The voices in my head

Image from FirstCovers.com

There was an old lady who lived in a room, she had no children so she didn't know what to do.

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I've been thinking and thinking and looking for answers but there are none except for my own voice in my head, which just creates and recreates questions, one after the other.

What did you think about? How much pain did you feel? Was it emotional, psychological or physical pain? Could it have been a combination of all three? Who did you think about? Why did you not want help? When did you realise that it was bad? Did you lose the will to live?  Was this what you wanted?

I want so much to understand the reasons for the way you lived your life.  More than this, I want to know what were your thoughts in the last 48 hours. I want to turn back the clock to ask you about it.  I want to go into that zone where you let your guard down and tell me the things that you wouldn't tell anybody else. I want to know so many things. I want to know too many things.

Knowing that I will never have the answers doesn't ease the ache.  Knowledge is not power.  

This holiday has been good and now I decide to let it go.  

The sun, the sand, the sea and the voices in my head say it's time and I should let it go.

I'm going to let it go.

Saying goodbye

The world is reeling from the deaths of the handsome Paul Walker and, of course, the anti-apartheid icon, Nelson Mandela.

People die all the time but some deaths affect us more than others. 

If we knew the person, then we share the grief with all the other loved ones. 

If we knew of the person, then we share the loss of that life.

Some have an untimely death while others die in their old age. Some who are seemingly healthy also slip away unexpectedly.

My Aunt Lucy passed away recently.  She was unwell for a long time and her death was not really a shock as she was in and out of the hospital.  Yet hearing about her death was like a blunt force trauma to my heart.  I had not expected to be so sad when I heard the news.

It is never easy to think of a life that is over.  It's even harder looking back at the numerous chances not taken to show that I loved and cared for her.  She was a pillar of strength for me during a very difficult phase in my life.  It is obvious that she will be one of those who did something for me that I cannot ever repay.

Many times I think that eulogies are prepared with selective memories.  People choose to remember the good things because it's the right thing to do.  Often I would be shocked by my own thoughts when they clash with what I hear.  I know, I know.  It's the way it should be and we celebrate the goodness and all that. However I believe that keeping it real would be a far better legacy to the deceased.

In the case of Aunt Lucy, I sat listening  to everything her daughter said and I was conscious that I didn't have any secret thoughts of disagreement at all.  No exaggeration and no embellishment made it the best eulogy I have ever heard.

Looking back at all that travelling to and fro, of more than 1200 km, over four days, I have no regret.  It was a trip worth making.

I didn't really say goodbye to Aunt Lucy.  For me, she lives on in her five children.  They are blessed to have had such a wonderful mom.

Belated Birthday Love

Pic from FB

This was meant to go out on 20 November for Stephen.  It was his birthday but I was away attending a funeral in Perak.  

I'm only now catching up with my blog as I had been busy making memories since I returned to Singapore.  It was unplanned but it became like a gift for Stephen to have a ten-year old boy for two weeks with us.  I shall be sharing about this soon.

Anyway, while I was away and Stephen was alone, Greg, our Godson sent him this whatsapp message, which I found very touching.

Grossepa, I think it's very nice and 

very thoughtful of you to let Godma go, 

even on your birthday...  Respect...God bless you.

It's such a simple message but it speaks volumes about both of them.  The younger one recognising a gracious act of kindness while the older was showing unselfish love and compassion.

It was not easy to choose where to be but Stephen decided for me by saying that being with my family during their bereavement took precedence over everything else.  

In hindsight, he was right and it was the better decision for me to leave him alone.  At our age, everyday is a celebration and even when we aren't together, it really makes no difference to us.  

Better late than never they say, so this is my belated birthday declaration of love.