30 years ago

This year seems to be about numbers.  

Every day we have covid-19 details thrown at us and maybe because I live in Singapore but have loved ones in Malaysia, I sense it more by looking at the statistics of both these countries.  We begin to get a habit of waiting to see if things are better or not with the numbers given.  It's unhealthy, I suppose, to allow stuff like this to dictate some part of our day.  Yet imperceptibly it has!  

However, 26/3/2021 is special.  It's been 30 years since Doug died.  

I still vividly recall how that morning started yet I cannot remember much after I saw him in the mortuary.  

When he died, I tried very hard to think of the future without him.  He had always been there for me.  He was always loving and giving.  I leaned on his support for everything.  But oh, how I've learnt to stand on my own two feet since then!!

30 years ago, Jared was only 4 years old.

30 years ago, I was only 32 years old.

We've come a long way since 1991 but one thing hasn't changed for both of us, Doug is a huge part of who we are.  

Today we celebrate him because we are richer for having had the privilege of being a part of his life.

Reflections of a love lost.  Click link to watch Heart Shots Presentation

Where do I go from here?

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Two months have passed since my MIL passed away.  During this time, I have thought about the questions people had asked me before, during, and even after the funeral.

"What are you going to do now?"

"How will you fill your days?"

Many different questions but all curious to know where I was headed.  And maybe it isn't a bad thing to want to have a direction.  But surely it isn't a necessity.

Stephen immediately responded to some that I was to take a break.  I was to do whatever I wanted.  I wasn't to jump into the next role of caregiver for someone else.  He's so protective of me and I always smile when I think of how he, himself, is so selfless.  But he's always protective and caring for me.

But this was an immediate change. I always knew it would come one day.  Suddenly I had nothing to do, no place to go and no one to worry over.  It was nice but it also left a small void in the life that I had become accustomed to.

So far, I've just enjoyed being still and embracing the new peace that has slowly filled the vacuum I felt from the busyness I left behind.  It isn't a difficult thing to do or not to do.  

Where do I go from here?  

To wherever life takes me...

And with a grandchild on the way, the horizon seems beautiful.  Stephen and I are excited beyond words because of all the joy that a new addition to the family can bring. 

Forgiveness

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Life is filled with all sorts of good and bad events.  Inevitably people are involved and it takes the same amount of effort to remember the good memories or the bad.

I don't know exactly when but I have been able to forgive others. Not only in my mind but also in my heart because it's where the real forgiveness takes place.  

It's true that it has nothing to do with the other person.  It has to do only with our own self.  

Some time ago, I was told that not only should we forgive but we should also ask to be forgiven. This weighed heavily on me for awhile. BUT I now realise that this isn't my job. It's for others to do that for themselves.

If we attempt to atone for everything we've ever done, it's an unattainable goal.  

The Lord's Prayer goes "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us".  I think this is enough.

Another note to self

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Woke up while it was still dark so I could see Stephen off to work. Checked my whatsapp messages because some of my family and friends wake up at the crack of dawn and they usually drop me a wish or two.  It's always heartwarming to wake up to such positivity.

Went back to sleep until about 9.30 am and stayed in bed till 10ish. Okay, I sense raised eyebrows now! Hahahahahahahaha!  But this isn't how it is everyday.  Most days I have an agenda and I stick to it but once in a while a moment appears and I just allow it to envelop me.  

With coffee in hand, I do a quick check of emails and find one that I want to reply to because the person is important to me.  It's always a treat to read and dissect each other's words but with no judgement; only love, support and encouragement for one another. Such are the types of connections we should look for when we are older and not the ones that sow seeds of discontent and hatred.

It has been raining for a while now.  Thunder was in the distance and the beat of the rain on the awning was slightly deafening. Soft Christmas carols are playing in the background and I feel a strong sense of peace and happiness.

Not everything is perfect in my world.  No one has a perfect life but as I always like to think, it is far from imperfect.  

While I was replying, one load of clothes was washed and dried and I'm feeling that the quiet moment was time well-spent. Whatsapp messages came in and went out, between the email reply and I think I've made some people smile, feel better about themselves and helped them along their day.

I managed to rethink some of the old stories while replying an email and I realise how far I have moved on.  The stories have a lesser hold on me and who I am now.  In some way, it's just a moment but how those moments have added up to making a nice few hours by myself, my coffee and my thoughts. 

Shalom! 

Things I love...

As we get older and wiser, the list of things that we love grows shorter and shorter.  In fact, the things we want are no longer fighting for space with the things that we need. 

There was a time when I made a mental note of whatever I wanted to get and eventually I would go out and get it.  There are many items on that list that I haven't yet bought but they have been relegated to the nether worlds now.  

It made sense not to buy that Jimmy Choo pair of shoes since I'm almost always wearing my Fitflops!  Designer bags? They aren't practical for me now.  Clothes?  Nawwww as I have more than enough.  I could go on...

However, the list of things that I love which money cannot buy has grown tremendously.  It's a good feeling and there's a release from the bondage of shopping.  I have time to love and also enjoy the basic things that make my day better.  

How I have changed in these last three years from always buying more than I needed!!  (Stephen will smile when he reads this!).

Even though I live so near the famous Orchard Road, I hardly ever go there because I already have all the things I love or need.

In fact, I've given away so many things that I used to love and I haven't even thought about them at all.  How wonderful not to be tied to stuff.  

I think that moving away from Kuala Lumpur and having to leave all my favourite things behind has taught me a good lesson.  I didn't really need any of those things.

At the end of it all, just having someone to love is all we really need in life.

Counting what counts

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How fast the days are going by!!!!  I have hardly been on the laptop since I opted out of Facebook.  Before it was a "must-do-first-thing-in-the-morning" so I could have my coffee and browse through all the notifications and go through the timeline.  It's almost six months since I left and it has turned out to be a blessing in disguise.  I have accomplished much more than I expected to and was out of the house less grudgingly.  

Before, leaving my online friends at home made me worry that I was neglecting them.  So silly of me to think that I should live more in the virtual world than in the real.  I look back and analyse this behaviour and see that it was related to my retirement.  The freedom to do whatever and whenever got the better of me and I found myself enjoying the virtual life.  It was fun while it lasted but now I am living in the real world.  It could be likened to taking a long vacation but now it's over and I'm back on terra firma.  

Now, I have had more time to think about me and how I spend my days.  I don't have to worry about responding to comments or seeing how people inadvertently show their true selves.  While it did take a while for me to get over some of the online toxic stuff, there is always enough goodness to replace those things.  

We are like sponges and we absorb whatever we are exposed to.  Thankfully if we listen to enough blessings and good news, the negativity can be reversed.  That's God's Grace in Action.

We can count on God.  For me that's counting on what really counts.

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