The voices in my head

Image from FirstCovers.com

There was an old lady who lived in a room, she had no children so she didn't know what to do.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I've been thinking and thinking and looking for answers but there are none except for my own voice in my head, which just creates and recreates questions, one after the other.

What did you think about? How much pain did you feel? Was it emotional, psychological or physical pain? Could it have been a combination of all three? Who did you think about? Why did you not want help? When did you realise that it was bad? Did you lose the will to live?  Was this what you wanted?

I want so much to understand the reasons for the way you lived your life.  More than this, I want to know what were your thoughts in the last 48 hours. I want to turn back the clock to ask you about it.  I want to go into that zone where you let your guard down and tell me the things that you wouldn't tell anybody else. I want to know so many things. I want to know too many things.

Knowing that I will never have the answers doesn't ease the ache.  Knowledge is not power.  

This holiday has been good and now I decide to let it go.  

The sun, the sand, the sea and the voices in my head say it's time and I should let it go.

I'm going to let it go.

Plink PLANK Plonk

Image from FB

Last year when my son told me about planking, I looked at him and sniggered.  I thought, "What's so hard about that?".  So I got down next to him to show him I could do it effortlessly.  I could only manage 6 seconds! I was flabbergasted. Was something that looked so simple really so difficult?

Not long after that, I saw this image on FB and although the timings there show Day 1 as 20 seconds, I was unable to do it.  It took me awhile to get better at it.  Although quite an active person, I realised that my core strength was lacking and so I kept planking.  

Now I'm doing about 50 seconds and that is quite a good improvement. Stephen is doing about 80 to 90 seconds but he's always been fitter than I am.  He tells me that it's not about the timing but more about improving the timing with each week.  

I don't do it every day but I do it as often as I remember.  I am aiming to hit the miracle 60 seconds (1 full minute) soon.  The 30-day challenge isn't important to me.  It's doing it as often as I can and increasing my timing gradually.  Already I feel a difference and, in the case of Stephen, I see the difference.  

Time

Picked this image from FB

It's true.  The image says it all.

I thought that retirement would be when I had all the time in the world to do everything.  As it turns out, there still isn't enough time to do all that I want.  

Maybe the fun is not in finishing what we set out to do.  Maybe the fun is having something to do tomorrow or completing what we started today. There are days when I do absolutely nothing. Nothing here means nothing meaningful in the eyes of society!!!  But nothing for me is sometimes what is good for my soul.

What matters at the end of the day is that I'm done with doing everything or doing nothing.  I go to bed happy and sleep.  

Later this month, I shall be starting something meaningful.  I believe that I am ready for it.  I'll be out of my comfort zone. well, not totally out of my comfort zone but I will be doing something that I hadn't done in a long time.  I'm looking forward to it.  

Stay tuned...

Brand new!

Many times, as a teenager, I wished that I could have a brand new start when hormones were raging and everything seemed dark and dreary.  Nobody understood me and neither did I understand anyone.  

There were even times when I wished I was in another country. I remember feeling so depressed after watching S.W.A.L.K.  I used to lay awake at nights just hoping that I could meet Mark Lester and wanting so desperately to live in the U.K.  Too much TV/movies made me believe that life elsewhere would be better. When I was more matured, I realised that life is good wherever you make it to be.  

At the end of my teen life, I saw this particular quote and it had a profound effect on me.   This gave me a fresh look about my life and that I could make a brand new ending.  As it turned out, circumstances threw me chances to shape and re-shape my life along the way.  

Many things were life-changing but the ones that stand out would be my parents getting a divorce, moving out from home, getting married, having children, being widowed, re-marrying, retiring and finally relocating.  Each time it propelled me to something better and each beginning is an ending to something and each ending is also a beginning.

I think that we would do well to remind teenagers and also adults that there is always the possibility to stop at anytime and start again.  This only needs to happen in our heads.  It's what makes life interesting and ever-changing.

Twenty years ago...

Sometimes things happen around us and we wonder about our own life.  It is strange that many do not think too much about their past when things are going great.  I guess it is natural to be in the present and to think only of the future.

In general, I think a lot about the past and all the things that have happened.  I believe that it is therapeutic. Sometimes talking about it with another person (that you trust) can help tremendously. Reliving old wounds needn't always be painful. 

This happened to me. 

While sharing with a wonderful friend about the ghosts of my past and even some skeletons in the closet, I realised that they no longer hurt or bother me as they once did.  Bringing it up made me realise that I was no longer a prisoner of those feelings.  I had risen above them all.  Literally, they had no more hold on me.

Twenty years!!!

How far I have come since then?  The things that hurt me then didn't really do me any harm.  On the contrary, they made me stronger.  The people who claimed to love me then weren't always genuine but I got over it. Time always has a way of showing the true nature of everything and everyone.

Twenty years. It is a long time!  

Thankfully, I was very young when I found and pondered over this quotation.  I admit that because of it I have often thrown caution to the wind and said, "oh, what the heck!". 

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time;

it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.

Sydney J. Harris

No regrets now.  Everything has worked out much better that I could have planned or imagined. Right this moment, I am feeling very blessed.  

Moving on

Pic from FB

It seems clear to me that who we were in the past is always dredged up by people unable to deal with the present.  Maybe the root cause of talking about it stems from being unhappy with how things are now.  Happy people just don't look backwards.  

One of the luxuries of being contented today is not having to dwell on what was and just enjoying what is.

Why then do people like to look back?  Even worse than just looking back is when facts of their former life are distorted. Changing, shaping and re-arranging stories have become essential as the air they breathe.

Our past is important.  When we learn to accept it for what it was, we can then appreciate the present.  Some people become better but most become bitter.

Pic from FB

Only then, will we have learnt the art of moving on.  

Just perfect...

When we hear of someone who has died in what we believe is before his time, we tend to stop and take stock of our own life.

When I did that, I reached a conclusion that my life is beautiful. In any case, I've had enough people saying this to me so I already know it is true.

It is a perfect life.  Perfect from my point of view and the only view that should matter.  

I was discussing life, death and the hereafter, with a dear friend via emails, and I wrote "It seemed to me that most people are afraid to say that their life is perfect already.  They are worried that if they say it is perfect then it cannot get better.  It can be perfect at that particular point in time."  

I added, "I like to think that my life is perfect today.  So is yours!  I see you so happy and contented and I think that's perfect.  If it doesn't get better, it's already perfect.  If it gets better, then, by golly, it's better than perfect.  A win-win situation, I think."

Someone's early demise shouldn't be the moment when we stop to think about our lives although I suppose it is a natural thing to do. However, I am now going to make a conscious effort to count my blessings each day and not wait for a catalyst.

I realise I have reached a certain point in my life where there is no longer any reason to prove I am happy. I just am and it's a beautiful life.  

Bon Voyage, Errol!  This one's for you!

365 days later...

Pic from FB

Anyone who has worked steadily at any job will understand what a dilemma it was, for me, to decide whether or not to retire early.

For me, it's almost a surprise to find that a year has passed by.  Three hundred and sixty-five days have come and gone!  Just like that!!!!

I never would have pictured my life to be the way it is now.  So much has changed.  I feel a tremendous surge of joy when I realise that I didn't lose anything, in terms of happiness!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After nearly a year, I returned to the Embassy.  I had expected to visit my ex-colleagues earlier than this but somehow didn't get to doing it until just this week.  The deputy Chief of Mission asked me the most common question about my life, "Do you like Singapore?".  I replied, "I don't like it, I love it".  

I had expected to miss my salary but I didn't.  Really, it is never about the dollars and cents at all.  It's the people that I have missed.    I didn't know how much until I was back there with them.  The familiar faces of Sumathi, Loga, Anita, Ivy and, of course, Carlos!    We were a great team.  The feeling of being among people who know me and who I know have missed me, genuinely, make me feel so rich.  

My office at the Embassy of Peru

I looked at my old office and there is no twinge of regret.  I only miss the camaraderie that was shared during the coffee breaks and lunch time.  Oh, the things we did in the office when no one was around!  Those are the moments I remember most.  They make me smile.

My 20 years at the Embassy taught me so many things about everything.  I don't think I would be who I am today if not for all the experiences and the people who worked with me.  I am thankful and grateful to all of them.

I still feel a strong sense of loyalty to the country and to the friends I've made along the way.  I will always have a soft spot for Peru.  20 of my 50 odd years were spent serving the country: that is 2/5 of my life.

In my own mind, I like to think that I have showcased the best of Malaysia to the diplomats.  I hope that when they remember Malaysia, they think of me.  Hearing everyone say that they have missed me makes me happy yet sad.  I wish I could be there for them; with them.  In any case, I am just a phone call or email away.

I was told that I am a legend in the Embassy.  I am sure that is stretching the truth a bit but it did make me feel on top of the world.

Was it worth giving it all up?  Yes.

Am I glad I left it all?  Yes.

Tomorrow

My friend just shared this on Facebook

and the timing is perfect.

I had to put this up as a reminder.

Pic from FB

One year already!

I made it through the first year!

Pic from here

Just wanted to mark the end of my first year of being retired.  It's been a fantastic journey of adapting and adjusting to a life without rules and regulations.

Did I miss any of it?  Yes.  To say that I don't miss anything would not be truthful.

Do I want it back?  No.  To say that I do would mean I retired too soon.

So I'm right where I want to be.  

I'm looking forward to the next 365 days of new challenges and opportunities to be even better than I am.  

Tomorrow I'll write more about my thoughts and what's going on in my mind.  Stay tuned!!!!

God bless you!

Wander and wonder...

Pic from FB

Since I arrived to Singapore almost a year ago, I have found myself in the unique position of feeling at home but in unfamiliar territory.  Other than the area where I live in, all other places have made me feel like a tourist.  Too often, I couldn't find my bearing and didn't know which way to go.  I wandered around but didn't get lost.  I enjoyed it.  Getting lost, I mean.  

However, I am slowly beginning to recognise more landmarks and roads.  Even now, it's still like being in a foreign land.  Well, I am in a foreign land.  Having lived all of my life in Kuala Lumpur where I know most of the roads and lanes, it has been a strange feeling to not know where I am and whether I should go left or right.  While it was disconcerting at the beginning, I have learnt to embrace this uncertainty. 

There is something to be said about being anonymous in a crowd.  I know many like to be known and enjoy being famous but going around incognito gives one a feeling of being 'free'.  I don't really know how to explain this and maybe there isn't any need to. 

Anyway, the one thing that I've appreciated about Singapore is the excellent transport service.  With a little map, one can move around without any difficulty.  

I live almost in the middle of all the MRT lines, between the Braddell (Red Line) and Caldecott (Yellow Line) Stations.  So I have the option to pick whichever will afford me the shortest route.  

Pic from here

Stephen has taught me that getting from one destination to another (via one MRT line) is not necessarily the fastest route.  Now I know  that it may be faster to go from point A to point B and then to point C.   Travel time can be cut in half.  Well, he's a seasoned traveller both here and overseas.  Me?  I've lived almost all my life in one city and I had a car for the last 30 years!  I am learning, though.

The advantage of living in the heart of Singapore is the convenience of getting anywhere so easily. Technically, I live in Toa Payoh but physically, I am nearer to the Braddell station.  This only means that  I am just four stations (8 minutes) away from the hustle and bustle of the famous Orchard Road.  If I ever miss the noise and crowd, I can get my fix easily.  Actually I don't even have to travel so far because just one station (2 minutes) away and I can get everything I want or need at Toa Payoh.

Pic from Wikipedia (Red area shows Toa Payoh)

I didn't realise that I have enjoyed wandering around.  When I first arrived to Singapore, I put it on my bucket list that I would visit each station, at least once, and go do a walkabout.  I believe that there are over a hundred stations (MRT and LRT).  I haven't yet been to all of them.  There is just too much to do and see.  It's still on my list of things to finish in 2013.  

Pic from Wikipedia

Meanwhile, I wander and I wonder.  

"Why?" or "So lucky"

Pic from FB

When I meet someone for the first time, it's always the same reactions I get when I say that I have just retired.  It's either "Why?" or "So lucky".  

I know that I have not yet reached the age of 55, which is the age that society accepts as the right age for retirement (in Malaysia, at least).  This makes people curious.

For those who asked, "Why?", it seems strange that I would give up working when I could still earn money.

For those that said, "so lucky", it is probably a wishful projection of what they want.

In either instance, I don't know how best to respond.  Usually I smile and nod because I don't know the reasons behind their reaction.  

If I had not been working for the last 30 years, would people still consider it strange that I have retired (early).

What if I had never ever worked before?

What if I was always a housewife or homemaker?  

Would they still have that incredulous look on their faces?

Somehow I get the feeling that if one had been working and one gives it up, something is wrong.  But if one hadn't been working at all then it's all right.

There's some serious stereotyping going on here, methinks.

Why is there this unwritten rule that we have to work until the very last employable date of our life or until we drop dead?

Why is it that if you've never worked at all, no one thinks twice about you being a homemaker?  But the moment you say that you chose to retire early, they either don't get it or they think you're lucky.

We all have different paths to take.

Where should I have gone?  I've not thought about it.

I am just where I am supposed to be.  

Happy Anniversary! Also my 100th post on this blog.

Pic from Pinterest

No, it's not an actual Anniversary!  It's just one that exists inside my head.  21 January 1984 is a date that I can't forget.  It's a date that I don't want to forget.  I have no reason to want to do that.

Without sounding too dramatic, here's some background.  I was married before.  On this date, I tied the knot with a man that I had known since I was fourteen years old.  When he died, my whole life changed.  It was sudden.  It was painful.

While the picture above is true for how I've always felt, it's not always how it turns out to be.  We don't always get to fulfill what we set out to do.  We don't always get that chance.  While we are at it, we should make each day count.  If you think that there is always a tomorrow, you're wrong.  It's today that counts.  It's NOW that matters.

I consider myself one of the lucky ones or blessed, if you prefer this word.  While I was afraid that I would never know happiness again, I did find it.

Pic from FB

It's not easy to push aside the old feelings.  It is never fun to return to a place in our past and reach for those moments.  It isn't a bad thing to do this, once in a while. Like it is, today, for me.  But I'll not let it suck me in.  I know that today is a good day to remember.  It's also a good day to be grateful for what was and, more importantly, what is.

Happy Anniversary, Doug!  It would have been 29 years today for us.  While I am not silly enough to feel sad, I am going to be silly enough to remember all the fun times we shared.   Your legacy of love lives on in the people who knew you.  This warms my heart and I am grateful that you were a huge part of my life.

I have someone new to annoy now.  I think I'm doing a good job!  Somehow I know that you are happy for me.  Somehow it is enough.

What do I do?

Pic from FB

My Uncle Ralph asked me this question just a day ago.  What do I do?  The actual question was, "What do you do with yourself now that you are no longer working?"

The reality is that many people wonder about how I'm adjusting to this life without work.  I take this word "work" to mean being employed and receiving a salary.  So I told him this in my email, "I work at being happy".  

I think that too many people don't work at it and expect happiness to fall in their laps.  It can happen, of course.  But how often would that occur?  Wouldn't it be better to work at being happy and achieving it as often as is possible?

Somehow there wasn't any real adjustment necessary for me when I stopped working for a living.  The whole idea of retiring was always so tempting that I finally gave in to it.  I haven't ever felt any sadness at leaving that behind.  Maybe I will admit that I miss my salary.  Apart from that, I don't miss anything else.  It has been so liberating to have given it up. In any case, Stephen takes care of me now so I don't have to worry about anything.

So what do I do?  I do what makes my heart happy.  

I do whatever good I can for those around me.  I may not do more but I surely won't do less.  Besides, it's easy to be good if you are inherently a good person.

I do what makes me feel good.  Why not?  It's the everyday things that make me happy.  

Sipping my coffee in the morning, unhurried.

Checking Facebook and mails.

Eating breakfast at 11 am or lunch at 3 pm.

Watching TV till 4 am.

Reading till my back aches.

Snoozing when my eyes are tired.

Walking around in shorts and tee shirts.  

Looking at the sky.

Taking a bus ride.

Walking around the malls.

Yes, just everyday stuff that I don't take for granted.  And because I don't take it for granted, I enjoy them even more.

Pic from FB

Adding Extra to Ordinary.

Pic from FB

I met up with two dear Malaysian friends who came for a visit.    They are on a two-week driving holiday, in a car that is forty-seven years old. 

VOLVO 122 

The coastal drive will take them along the Peninsular starting out from Petaling Jaya, Selangor.  At the end of the holiday, they would have covered Port Dickson, Kukup, Tg. Piai, Singapore (where I am), Desaru, Cherating, Kuala Terengganu, Kota Bharu, Pulau Banding, Songkhla, Hatyai, Kangar, Penang, Lumut, Teluk Intan and then back home.  I understand that it's one of the things on their bucket list.  

Both of them are now retired, have known each other for about 40 years and will be celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary this August.  

Two days ago, we spent a few hours together , squeezing in the latest updates about our families.  The good thing about old friends is that it never gets old.  The friendship stays where it was and we just pick up from there.

Anyway, being with them reminded me of how wonderful it can be to live a simple and ordinary life, if you are with the right person.

Theirs is a story of an extraordinary love.  Their lives are a beacon of hope, for the people who are newly married, that love can last.

I can't help but to wonder, if only for a moment, about how my life veered off to another path.

They asked me if I was happy.  I didn't hesitate.  Yes, I am deliriously happy.  It's not something I've thought about but their question made me realise that I am.  I know it made them happy to hear my reply.

People always wait until it's too late to say what they feel.  I've made an effort never to be that way.  I always tell people when I love them.

Thank you, David and Shashi Netto.  Thank you for the love through the years.  Thank you for everything.  I love both of you very much.

What Would You Do?

Pic from FB

$10,000

For the longest time, I had always thought that I would give $10,000 to one of my friends if I ever won the lottery.  She doesn't know this and I never told her.  I just thought that it would be such a surprise for her to know that I had felt this way since the mid 80s and that I didn't ever mention it because I didn't want her to think that she would have to reciprocate.  It was just a silent wish in my heart.

Recently, I felt that maybe giving one person $10,000 isn't as good an idea as, maybe, giving 10 people $1,000.  I don't know.

If you won the lottery, what would your preference be?  Surprise one person or help ten of them.  

In today's world $1,000 isn't much but it would be a windfall by any standards.

Now that I am not working, these are some of the things that Stephen and  I talk about.  It turned out to be a lively conversation and one that hasn't yet ended.  

PS  
I'm not revealing who the friend is!  What would be the fun in that? All I can say is that she wouldn't expect it at all.  It's precisely why I would want to give it to her.  

Debt-Free World

When I started working some 30 years ago, there used to be a weekly free talk during the lunch break.  I attended most of them but only remember two: Time Management and Money Management.

The one on Money Management was good because it gave me a mantra to recite whenever I was tempted to splurge.  The picture above shows what I used to say in my head. I didn't always follow it (life has to be lived on the edge, sometimes) but, basically, it has helped me to stay out of financial woes.

On the last day of 2012, Stephen went out to pay all the utility bills.  When he came home, I had a feeling of euphoria because this meant that we would start 2013 completely debt-free!  Stephen does it more out of habit than anything else.  He hates owing money and pays for everything with cash.  The only time he will use his credit card is, if he has to book a flight.  Then, he will settle it as soon as he can via an online transfer.

So we start 2013 owing nothing to anybody!

As you start this year, this is a good one to memorise and to practise.  

A New Year for Everybody!

This picture was taken in July when we were at Marina Bay. The lights and fountain seem to depict a bird in flight.  I like that very much.

As we take off on another year, I'm hoping that it will be a better one for all those whom I know and love.

Life doesn't always give us the things we want, but it always teaches us something.  For this, we should be grateful.

As I continue my journey with Stephen in Singapore, I am very thankful that he has taken care of all my needs.  I don't want to ever take this for granted.  In return, he tells me he has forgotten how to wash or iron his clothes.  He doesn't even worry that he can't find anything.  He only has to ask me.  I think he's great and he thinks I'm great.  Now there's a recipe for a happy union.

We begin 2013 with hope in our hearts that our family will grow in love and strength.  Our son's December engagement is a turning point for all of us.  We have something to look forward to in the near future.  This is the cycle of life.

So goodbye 2012, you've been great.  There have been countless  memories to cherish and we feel quite blessed.

Hello 2013, we look forward to another 365 days of love and laughter.

End of year thoughts

Pic from FB

I received this in an email earlier and decided to re-read it.  Then I decided to share it since it's that time when people begin to look back and then ahead.  So I hope you will like it as much as I did.  I wish I knew who the author is to give him or her credit!

Hat tip to Pat for this one!

As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend... 

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM or sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love... I will. 

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old. 

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect. 

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. 

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore...I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever.

But while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about 

what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if I feel like it). 

Another Anniversary

Pic from FB

Yes, it's another anniversary celebration.  For as long as we've known each other, we've never been apart on this day.  It's why we chose this date to tie the knot.  

Since we used to live in different countries, getting married on this day meant being able to celebrate all future anniversaries together as it is the eve of Christmas day.  Now we no longer have to worry about juggling vacation dates as I have moved to Singapore for good.

Stephen and I are not the same!  We are so different.  Yet we are like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that fit so well.

He loves the cold.  I don't.

He loves the outdoor.  I prefer to stay indoors.

He prefers bland food.  I love curries and spicy meals.

He doesn't like gravy.  I do.

He can get up at the crack of dawn.  I prefer to sleep in.

He loves babies and children.  I gravitate to old people.

He loves comedy.  I love science fiction.

He loves shows with thrills and spills. I go for drama and dialogue.

He drinks his coffee hot.  I like it at room temperature.

He loves country music.  I love rhythm and blues.

He is a breakfast kind of person.  I'm a morning coffee gal.

We are so different!

When they say that unlike poles attract, this is probably true for us. We are such opposites that we complement each other.  As they say, "You don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the person who you cannot live without."

Wouldn't life be boring if both of us were the same?  I am sure it would be.

So Happy Anniversary to us.

We have earned another stripe!

We're both feeling wonderful.  Add Christmas eve to this for a magical 24 hours.  

Just when you think it's over, it's Christmas day.  Nice!

All pics lifted from Facebook