Myra Agnes Wheatley

📷 by Jared

Mom Myra has been gone a year.  It has been twelve months of living life differently since she passed away.  

We missed her most when Cayla was born because she predicted a baby girl for Jared and Gwen, long before Cayla was even conceived.  But we also knew that if she was still around, it would not have been possible for us to be in KK for the birth of our first grand-daughter.  It's a bittersweet thought.

While she was alive, our plans revolved around her.  Period.  There was never any question about this as far as Stephen and I were concerned.  Either one of us but usually both of us stayed put for every Mother's Day, Birthday, Christmas, New Year, and whatever else was being celebrated!

Mom spent her last and 82nd birthday (14 August 2018) in hospital.  In fact, in the wee hours of the morning, she was wheeled in for some procedure.  Stephen and I waited anxiously for her and she came back to her bed, in the late afternoon, slightly disoriented but also grumpy.  For us, it was a good sign.  She took one small piece of cake which was a gift from the hospital but refused anything more.  She was just tired from being there since 3 August 2018.  She kept asking to go back to her nursing home.  She said that it was her home and that the people there would miss her.  She wasn't wrong because the manager and nurses treated her like family.  The Econ family were always concerned for her well-being.  Mom was blessed that she always had good people taking care of everything.  That would include Stephen and me because we made all the critical decisions about her health.

When she was discharged on 16 August 2018, she was so happy to return to her bed and to see the familiar faces.    We also felt a sense of relief that she was back in her comfort zone.  Nearly two weeks in hospital was no fun for her or for us.

📷 by Stephen

Mom's left hand was often like this picture.  Whenever I could, I'd peel the three fingers out and massage them slightly.  She'd move it around when she heard music.  

Taken on 15 July 2018

Mom and Stephen sang together on different occasions but the last time was on 21 August.  They sang Ramona and Jinkli Nona and everyone was laughing and smiling.  All those on that floor enjoyed the positive vibration it sent around.  It was a sweet moment for her, for all the other residents, and the nurses.  I think mom had the best interaction with Stephen because he knew how to make her happy and he could entertain her with his shenanigans.  It was also the last time that Stephen would see her animated like that.  On 23 August, mom went into a sleepy mode.  She was less responsive and later unresponsive.  We were told to expect the worst.  Nobody thought she would make it through that weekend.  Jared and Gwen arrived from KL to be with us and to see their grandma.  Her situation didn't change much and they left on 26 August with a heavy heart but also knowing that they couldn't do anything more.

It was hard for them to see this usually sprightly woman just laying there. It was also very difficult for us to see mom as anyone other than her spunky self.  She always had a zest for life and living.  She fought so hard to be better and I don't know anyone else with so much grit and determination.

Over the last six years that I had spent nearly every day with her, a feat of which I can proudly claim, I learnt about who she was, in a very personal way.  She was selfless in many aspects, generous to a fault, and yet full of dignity as a woman.  She always put on a brave front and was fearless in the face of adversity.  

Mom Myra and I weren't close when I first married Stephen and never would I imagine that we would one day get to a place of mutual respect and admiration.  She often told people I was her daughter.  There is a crooked road we follow sometimes and if we stay on course, it could lead us to one where the view is lovely and peaceful.  I'd like to think this is the road we both travelled.

I always reassured mom that I would be there for her, especially in those last months.   When she was still alert, she was always loving and caring.  She always told me to go home and rest, to not worry about her and to be with Stephen.  Towards the end, when she was mostly sleeping, I hoped that knowing Stephen and I were sitting there by her bedside, made her feel some comfort.  All we are sure of is that we did our best.  We are told that we did do our best but what is more important is that we believe we did all that we could for her; especially after being told she wouldn't even make it through 2016. She hung on for 2 years more. 

When she went downhill and was in a kind of limbo, we played songs from her church-going days and whether she was able to interact with us or not, she was able to hear the music and lyrics.  We hoped it would keep her thoughts focussed on our loving God.  Sometimes those songs were for our own spirit: to remember that we have to trust God's timing and to let go.

Almost exactly one month after being discharged, mom passed away at 01.40 am on 17 September 2018.  Peacefully.  I say this without exaggeration because there was no pain, no struggling, but just slowly easing away to the other side.

On 16 September night, as per normal, the nurses would update me around 10 pm about her condition and we felt that it was necessary to go check on her because she seemed to show a sudden deterioration.  We didn't know if it was the right thing to do.  We didn't even know if it meant anything after many episodes of thinking it was that time.  We thank God for the wisdom to have followed our instincts.  I had never been at the bedside of anyone who passed away. Mom's BP and SpO2 were low and sometimes undetectable by the respective devices.   Even at that stage, I still thought she would make it through the night.  It seemed sudden because when we left her in the late evening, all her readings were still in the acceptable range. 

Just before she pulled her last breath, mom lifted her right hand in the air, after being motionless and almost lifeless for the last few days.  When she did that, I had a moment of confusion.  I wondered if she had wanted to speak or if she was in pain?  Then the nurses rushed over and said that mom had gone.  I didn't cry.  I couldn't.  It was so unexpected even if it was expected.  I just stood there feeling numb.  I just saw life abruptly end for someone I had come to love and respect.  It was a humbling and unexplainable moment.

Mom had a beautiful send off.  She had always spoken freely of what she wanted and even had an outfit chosen.  Three days and two nights at the void deck of her choice, behind the church, for friends and family to pay their last respect.  A meaningful mass celebration in her beloved church was held on 19 September.  Then finally her ashes laid to rest in the sea, off Changi Point on 20 September.  It is good that we didn't have to second guess each other.  Mom made it easy for us until the end.

And little did we know, this hand was there.  It wasn't always there but somehow this is where it is now!  How poignant and co-incidental that this would be mom's final home!  With the finger pointing to the heavens and a reminder that it's like the last piece in the jigsaw puzzle of mom's life.  

📷by Stephen

We talk about her still.  

We miss her still.  

6 years ago

Image from Instagram

A year can change you a lot.  So imagine what six years can do.

When I first moved to Singapore, I had envisioned my life to fall into a certain pattern and never would I ever have imagined that it would turn out so different from what I had predicted or projected for myself.

My goals then were to read more, spend time in museums and libraries, watch movies and tv, sleep in, sleep late, visit all the malls, blog more, exercise, cook, bake, and even do some charity work.  I think I had done some of this in my first year but after all that, there was always still a lot of time on my hands.  

Although I left Facebook, I found Twitter and Instagram to be a nice outlet to get news, beautiful images and ideas. But even then, there was always still a lot of time on my hands.

Then I noticed a niche that no one else could fill and, unconsciously, I gravitated towards it.  I found out that caregiving was something that I could also do.  Caregiving not in the sense that I had someone at home to look after for 24 hours but someone who I visited as often as I could.  Giving care  or giving a care would be more accurate.

With this newfound path, I decided to give it more attention.  I read up on geriatrics, diseases, palliative care and whatever else I thought would help.  It gave me purpose and made me feel useful.

There was a time when I went to the nursing home everyday and, for a short period, twice a day when it was needed.  When I look back, I marvel at how I did all that.  It would never have crossed my mind, or that of my own family and friends who know me, that I would have the patience and kindness to see to the well-being of an ailing member of my husband's family.  Yet it seems that God's Grace is truly sufficient and I ended up doing what was least expected of me.

It has not always been easy to take charge of and oversee the responsibility that comes with old people but I have the best partner in the world. He always gives me unconditional support and encouragement.  Without him, I wouldn't have been able to do this at all.

Stephen gives me the space to make some decisions and allows me complete freedom to act independently when he is at work.  His confidence in me makes it easier to do what needs to be done.  He's the general and I'm the soldier carrying out my duties.  It works.

Six years ago, I would not have thought it possible that I had,  in me, the fortitude and strength to journey down the road that I have travelled.  

All along, I always thought I was helping someone else but in the process, I was helping myself.  I grew to understand more about life and I have a deeper knowledge of what it means to be there for others whenever we can.  There is no greater personal growth than when we rise above our own circumstances and help someone else.

I have learnt so much and for this I am thankful for all that I've become and still becoming.

I give myself a pat on my back for making my time here count for something.  I think it's called serendipity.  

Side note:  I've always wanted to use that word.  It means the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.

I'll do my best.

Image from WWW

Many years ago, I used to hear these words, "I'll do my best".  These days, I say it to others because it carries such a strong conviction in just mouthing those words.  

The one who used to say these words didn't realise the impact it would have on me.  But I have always thought that someone who responds with these words show a capacity to give their all.

The person is Suzee.  Some may know her, or of her, if they have been in my life long enough.  

I remember whenever I asked her to help me with something, her reply would always be "I'll do my best".  And it always was her best!

Once I asked her to sew some press buttons on some curtains for me, and she did them so neatly and beautifully.  More than that, she returned them to me the next day!

Another time, when she helped to paint my apartment, she chose the most difficult job of doing the grilles.  Where the brush couldn't reach wasn't a problem for her!  She just dipped her finger in the paint and used her finger to coat the parts that the brush could not reach.  That she would do something like that really blew my mind.  Until today when I see my grilles, I think of her and how she just went about to do her best.  

It wasn't any particular big project that she did for me, it was just small and random tasks but the manner in which she did it all, showed so much of who she is as a person.  I cannot remember everything that she has done for me but I will always remember her response!

How many of us remember to do our best in all we do?  I sometimes forget but Suzee's words ring in my head and then I do just that little bit more because that would be my best.  

It's how I can feel good and right with myself and in my heart.  It's how I know that I can do my best.  I am in awe of Suzee's attitude. 

Little does she know that her words have stuck with me through all the years.  Little does she know that I have tried to live with this motto.  

I hope that in time, someone else who hears me say "I'll do my best" will also feel something stirring inside and do the same.  

Thank you, Suzee, for all the love you've shown and continue to send to me. 

Whatever happens in life, I'll do my best, Suzee.  I hope you're proud of how your big heart has changed me.

400

Just like Spartan, the movie, with only "300" as the title, I thought just putting 400 is catchy and dramatic.

It's my 400th post and after all this while, I still find joy in writing because it's how I organise my thoughts and also my memories.  Without this blog, I'd have forgotten all the little stuff that can get lost in the bigger events of life.

Once in a while, I go and check STEEST for something and then I get lost, going through some old stuff I'd written and the same goes for SFGEMS.  Sometimes I don't even remember ever writing what I've posted.  That, for me, is always a nice surprise.  

First, because I think my mind conveniently decided to remove all traces of that blog content knowing that it's been saved.  Clever, if I’m right!  But it could either be that I am automatically deleting some of those memories or it is just part and parcel of forgetting due to old age.  It is a good thing then that I had put down those moments into words.

Second, because I can retrace my state of being, at that given point in time, via what I have written.  

And today with my 400th posting, I'm celebrating because I've stuck to keeping this blog alive, even when I've been lazy or busy.  

Whether or not I have an audience of one or a thousand, it is still a great thing to me. 

Small details

Image from Pinterest

There are thousands of small details in my life that just fills my heart up.  Just simple things that Stephen does to make me happy.  Things like

- putting off my alarm so I can sleep on

- sitting in the park watching me exercise

- making my morning coffee because, well, he brews!

- praying over me when I'm not feeling good

- buying durians when he can't stand the smell

- giving me space when I'm watching my favourite Singaporean TV show

- checking my wallet and filling it with money

- following me to get stuff and carrying all the bags

- putting a fresh towel out for me when I'm in the shower

- queueing for my food and drinks at the kopitiams

- matching up two different slippers of mine and waiting for me to notice.

- saying he'll meet me at the curry leaves station. Private joke there.

I'll keep adding to this list because I realise that sometimes I take for granted that it's the small details in our lives that make a big difference.

When I'm older and greyer, I hope I'll come back here and see this list again.

How much?

I didn't realise that two months have gone by since I wrote here on my blog.  Life has been filled with so many moments and memories that I didn't even remember to immortalise some of my thoughts here.

Okay, no need to be dramatic about leaving some words on a blog meant for my future reference.  Ha ha ha

I'll start by saying that these words in the image, made me think. Many quotes have that effect on me.  They cause me to pause and wonder about the reason for it being written that way.  

There are people who do a lot.  But behind their doing is very little love invested.  On the other end, are people who do so little but in those small gestures, you feel and see so much love. 

These last two months that I have been missing have also been the start of Stephen's semi-retirement. It has been exciting for him to discover the joys of only working two days a week.  

We've had to re-adjust our timing for TV, going out, travelling to KL and so far it's been a non-stop moving session. I am literally worn out from so much going on.  Not forgetting a wedding in the wings!!

Anyway, getting back to the reason these words touched me is that there is very little to do at home, yet Stephen has decided to do some of the chores even if I could do them all!  It's him saying to me that he cares enough and he wants me to also enjoy some of the perks of his freer time.  

How much love do you put into your doing?  It's a good question to ask each time.