Be proud to be you

Image from Facebook

When I left Facebook some years ago, I also left behind some friends with whom I had reconnected after a long lapse of silence.   I may have lost those ties but if I have an email address, I like to send a birthday wish via email even if I don't expect a reply.

Then, surprisingly, replies to two birthday greetings that I sent out in July and forgotten about appeared in my inbox.

One didn't reply earlier because of work and travelling and the other was just a random chance that an old email account was checked!  Whatever happened, I was just happy to receive news and also to know that they knew I remembered.

One of them wrote, "I'm sure likewise you, too, would have been shaped into a person closer to what you really are by the changing parades of events and people."

This made me think a bit and there's a lot of truth in it.  Today another person mentioned this and said, "our ego loses power as we mellow".  Again, it made it me think a bit more and prompted me to write here. 

  

There's power in not pretending to be like others.

There's power in not pretending to like others also.  

Somehow growing older makes us braver to be who we really are.  We become lazy to put up a false front for people and inevitably, circumstances change our perspectives, adding to the change in how we think.

Not everyone likes the changes or more accurately, the peeling off of the masks we put on to please others.  But there's a satisfaction in being the real me. 

Moving forward

Image from Instagram

Recently I was chatting with a friend and he said that he hated it when people told him to "Move on" or "Move forward" whenever he lamented about anything.  It amused me because even if he didn't want to, he was moving forward.

No matter how we dislike the notion of letting the past go, we unconsciously leave a bit behind each day until, suddenly, it no longer becomes an issue.

I know there are people who do mean things daily and don't think twice of it but my friend is one of those who knew he did mean or terrible things.  He regrets having done that.  He wishes he hadn't done them. However, he has moved on, knowing that he can be different from who he was.

In a way, this is true for all of us.  We shed the skin of who we were and we are a new person each and every day!

No one gets to say that we never change. We all change and no one gets to say that they know us well.  No one can because we do change; whether we like it and whether we know it or not.

Being a hypocrite...

Image from Facebook

We all put on a mask with people.  Only the real friends see behind that and still love you.  They don't expect you to be perfect.  They understand that it's okay to reach a place where both don't see the same thing or reach the same conclusion.  It's fine to agree to disagree.

Sometimes when you drop the hypocricy and speak your mind, it can change how your friends react.  They're comfortable and happy with you only when you wholeheartedly accept what they say. It's one-sided and that's how they like it.

"Don't change", they say.  Because they want you to echo their sentiments and show blind support.  

The minute you have an opinion that differs, they don't like it. "Why are you so mean?", they say.  "Why do you want to hurt me?", they question.  

They want that familiar path where everything is as they say it is and you must get on board or face the consequences.

When did being a hypocrite become the biggest criteria for being a good friend?

Why is it necessary to remain a hypocrite to retain and sustain any friendship?

It's one thing to be a crutch for a friend in need but when that is taken to be the full-time role, then the friendship is tainted.

Friends cannot always want to hear only the things that agree with their soul.  They have to be ready to hear and bear with the other side too!

True friendship is saying what you truly feel and knowing that the other person will accept what you say because it's your truth!  It's not for the other person to pick and choose when you can speak out or not.  It's a level-playing field.

I have made tons of friends along this journey and I have also lost many too.  It's always sad but it's also a progression when you are able to move on because you have no desire to remain the "old you" just for them.  You're the "new you" and you are happy.

In this ever-changing world, I think it takes a whole lot of courage to stop being a hypocrite and be who you are.  Even if it means that you have to let go of some people, it's part of the learning and growing process. And it can be beautiful when you know how to be you!

BEYOUTIFULL

In the beginning...

In the beginning, there was STEEST.

Today is the anniversary of when STEEST was born on 18 September 2008.  I started the blog on impulse and then found it to be a great platform in which I could share my memories and also release some of the pent-up emotions I kept inside.

It was always a dream to write and even when I had no audience, I enjoyed it.  My teen years were spent huddled over my desk and writing poems.  I still have some of them.  Compositions in schools were my favourite and I thank my teachers for the guidelines although I do break some of the rules now and again. 

Due to a technical glitch (meaning my itchy fingers), I lost all the images on STEEST.  It was just a stroke of blessing that I decided to create a new blogpost here on SFGEMS.

I call it a blessing because it's a timeline, a more detailed one, of what's going on in my life since I retired.  Years from now I will be able to go through the posts and see if I can remember what made me happy, sad, laugh, frown etc.  

I call it a blessing because I've made many new friends while blogging and found kindred spirits.

I call it a blessing because my blog keeps me active and grounded. It pushes me to think about everything.

Yennyways, (curi-ed this word from my friend, Pat) I will celebrate today because, well, just because....

Cheers! 

Friends...

Image from WWW

I have tons of friends.  While this is what many would also say, I'm sure most would agree that some of our friends are really just friends when things go their way and the moment that it doesn't, WOOOOOOOOSH, out come the expletives and all the negativity.

It seems that a friend is supposed to never say NO, never disagree, never disappoint and surely never to rock the boat.  If this is the criteria, I fail, fail, fail and surely fail.

For me, friends are the ones with whom I will have differences of opinions and/or with whom I am able to say "I cannot" because they will love me just the same.

What I've learnt is that friends will come and friends will go but the good ones will always be there and will always remain in your lives.

Dumbledore got it right!  *grins*

Image from Pinterest

I'm mightily blessed that in the last year, I've had only good people in my circle.  *clasps hands in prayer of thanksgiving*

Today in 1992

My journey, or rather one of them, started in 1992 and ended in 2012.

It seems like I never ever worked at the Embassy of Peru for twenty years.  How easy it has been to forget and leave it all behind!!!!

When I was teetering on whether or not to do it, I was in a short state of turmoil but when I decided, I just went ahead without thinking more and now it's already over three years since I've left.  

Today a reminded popped up in my online calendar that said "Peru Embassy Anniversary".  I don't even remember putting that detail in my calendar.  I must have done it since it came up together with my other appointments for the day.

Nice moment that brought when I look back at the friends I made and still contact via email or whatsapp.  

Looking back, it had molded me for the greater good.  I learnt so many things during those years and some of those lessons hold me in good stead today.  How awesome is that!!!

A different kind of difference

Image from Pinterest

There are many people who come and go in our lives. Some leave us better people and others, well, they gave us a taste of what being bitter is all about.

I'm not one to waste too much time analysing or dissecting when any relationship goes awry.  I'll give it my best shot and then if it works, it's great but if it doesn't, I'll just move on.  

I did this for most of my life.  Yes, I've gained and lost along the way but nothing is permanent in this ever-changing world.

I felt a bit nostalgic this weekend because a friend sent me a text for Teacher's Day.  She was my student in the 80s and even when we never saw much of each other, we eventually became quite close and we feel a bond of love for one another.

What struck me and touched my heart was that she still remembered me as a teacher.  It's been over 30 years since I taught her but she still holds those memories.  I'd forgotten that was how we first met!

This greeting from her made me smile all day and little did she know that I've noticed she never misses to wish me whenever Teacher's Day comes along (since we reconnected).

Most teachers never get to see if they made a difference in the lives of their students.  They just do their job and hope that everyone will end up better than when they first came.

My friend, however, has given me a glimmer of the seed planted long ago and shown me that I made a difference in her life just as she continues to do for my life.

There are other students who have kept in touch and who have also shown love and appreciation but the one that stands out is Wendy Voo.

Thank you for the loving and lovely message on Saturday and on every other occasion too.  It made me remember why I love teaching so much. 

It's knowing that I made a difference in the life of just one person that makes it all so wonderful.

Countdown: 29 days to Christmas

Less than a month to Christmas and I'm thinking of family and friends.  The people who keep you in their hearts and minds and who never give up on you.

These last two and a half years have been wonderful! 

I have made some new friends, caught up with old ones and reconnected with some family members (without Facebook, I should add). Sometimes the old-fashioned way works better   

Listen and learn

I may not be considered an exceptional family member or friend but I do consider myself an exceptionally good listener.  They say that most people listen with the intention to reply and I am guilty of that sometimes but I am also capable of just listening.

I used to think that I would be able to solve people's problems but I'm over that already.  I realise that people just want to talk and they are always on the lookout for an eager listener.  Even if they don't know it themselves and even if they won't admit it, they will gravitate towards the one who listens.

When I saw this image on Facebook, in my mind, I thought of the people who appreciate that I listen to them when they need to let it out.  Do they know it is an effort not to offer advice or give an opinion! Probably not, as the state they are in wouldn't allow them to think of the person listening.  They just want to get it off their chest!  

I do share a positive slant to it if I can or I give some encouragement.  Listening is a two-way street!

I think that in our subconscious mind, we search for people who we think will understand us and we are so grateful when we find that there is always someone out there who will care enough to just listen.  

And while I listen, I learn as well.  

Thinking Out Loud

Recently a friend cut me off because I didn't, couldn't meet up with her partner. At first, it was a bit distressing because it seemed like I had failed a test.  

Then I realised that we shouldn't be testing and re-testing our friends.  Once we call them 'friend', we should accept them.  

Of course, it's not that they are given carte blanche to hurt us purposefully. Because if they do that, then they are not your friend.  Real friends often hurt each other unintentionally.  That's real life.  We don't live for our friends.  We can't. Often when choices have to be made, friends take a second place to family.  At least, for me.

But having said that, there are only so many times that you can say sorry because your friend thinks you have failed them.  After a while, it gets tiresome and if they cut you off because you do not want to fall in with their ideals of you, then they've done you a favour, indirectly.

We've just got to wish them well and hope they enjoy their "perfect friends" in their "perfect world".  

Me?  I'm imperfect.  That's not going to change. :)

MH 370 news

Image from FB

Just like everyone else, I have been watching the news and reading all the articles that people are sharing about the missing plane.

Breaking from my usual routine, I've had the TV switched on as soon as I wake up and I listen for updates.  And just like a news junkie, I have been online looking at photos and reading stories that were circulating on FB.  

As if that isn't enough, Stephen and I talk about it in every opportunity and whenever possible, we catch the press conference at 5.30 pm.  Such is our life since the plane mysteriously disappeared.

Knowing that the spouse of our friend is on board makes it just that little bit personal for us.

So much has been written and re-written and so much has been exaggeration and embellishment!  Where, indeed, lies the difference?  Just as we feel it's reaching saturation point, another theory emerges and then it starts all over again, everyone chips in with their views.  

With all that has been going on, one thing that crossed my mind is that we deal with uncertainties and tragedies in our own unique way.  

There are self-appointed FB police saying what should or should not be posted. I understand why they feel that way even when I don't agree that they should tell people what to do.  

My daily wish is for them to find the plane and soon because the families of all those on board deserve a respite from the media glare. 

Twenty years ago...

Sometimes things happen around us and we wonder about our own life.  It is strange that many do not think too much about their past when things are going great.  I guess it is natural to be in the present and to think only of the future.

In general, I think a lot about the past and all the things that have happened.  I believe that it is therapeutic. Sometimes talking about it with another person (that you trust) can help tremendously. Reliving old wounds needn't always be painful. 

This happened to me. 

While sharing with a wonderful friend about the ghosts of my past and even some skeletons in the closet, I realised that they no longer hurt or bother me as they once did.  Bringing it up made me realise that I was no longer a prisoner of those feelings.  I had risen above them all.  Literally, they had no more hold on me.

Twenty years!!!

How far I have come since then?  The things that hurt me then didn't really do me any harm.  On the contrary, they made me stronger.  The people who claimed to love me then weren't always genuine but I got over it. Time always has a way of showing the true nature of everything and everyone.

Twenty years. It is a long time!  

Thankfully, I was very young when I found and pondered over this quotation.  I admit that because of it I have often thrown caution to the wind and said, "oh, what the heck!". 

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time;

it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.

Sydney J. Harris

No regrets now.  Everything has worked out much better that I could have planned or imagined. Right this moment, I am feeling very blessed.  

A twist in the tale

I don't know if I've ever made anybody cry by telling the truth.  I do know that it changed many things around my life when I was in primary school.

The first time that I doubted this advice of "telling the truth" involved answering a question.  

When I was twelve years old, a school friend asked me if I was her best friend.  Truthfully, I didn't know the meaning of best friend then. I just knew in my heart that she was a good friend and that was it.  She insisted that I answer and I told her the truth.  I said, "No, you're a good friend".  In turn, I asked her if I was her best friend and she said, "Yes".  

However, I was no longer her best friend after I told her the truth. We drifted apart and after a bit, we even stopped talking.  I have wondered about this many times.  Had I lied would it have changed the course of my life?  Would it have cost me anything to have said that she was my best friend when she wasn't?

I have often wondered about her and where she is today.  Maybe she won't even remember this incident.  Maybe it no longer matters to her that I said what she didn't like to hear.  But maybe she wonders about me and where I am today, as well.  I will never know.

Although I never gave it too much thought, the fact that telling the truth didn't work out so well taught me a lesson I will never forget.

Not everybody will appreciate it when you tell the truth.  

Absurdities!

Pic from FB

With the elections just around the corner, it just occurred to me that people won't like me if I don't act a certain way.  

Will this upset me?  Maybe.  Or maybe not!

Many of my family members and friends don't agree with what I perceive and that's okay.  I'm happy to say what I need to, if they ask.  I'm also happy not to say anything, if they aren't interested.

The thing is that we shouldn't be with people who pressure us to do anything that we are not comfortable doing.  We should do what we believe is right and everyone else should just accept it.

I'd say the same goes for our religious beliefs!

A tale of three friends.

Does it really?  When I saw this, I wondered and it got me thinking. Are we where we are now because of what we did before?  Or is it pre-destined and everything that happens was supposed to happen.

I'm always curious about people who began from humble beginnings and then end up somewhere else so totally  opposite of where they came from or vice versa.

Often when I am travelling, I look at faces of people and I wonder where they were born and what they do for a living.  It's just something I did to pass my time.  When I see a family in a car or another face in a bus that has pulled alongside our bus or even when I'm in a plane, when people hardly look at each other, I browse the sea of faces, as they walk pass and I wonder.

When I used to travel every other weekend, the long journey often gave me plenty of time to think and now that I am retired, I've taken that habit to a whole new dimension which brings me to this tale.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were three women.  Each of them grew up in what was  known as notorious areas.  About 50 years ago, Tiong Nam (Chow Kit), Petaling Street (Chinatown) and Masjid India (Little India) were already places that people didn't hang around, alone, at night.  It was not considered safe.  Yet three women grew up in those areas respectively and came out of it unscathed by the 'dangers (drugs, gambling, prostitution etc)' that lurked behind every corner.  When people mention about the lily that grows out of mud and not being contaminated, I always think of the three women!

What did they do in order to end up in the same office when they were in their 40s?  What brought them, at about the same time of their lives, together?  Three friends with three years age difference separating the youngest, the middle one and the eldest.

Another co-incidence was that all three had two sons.  Their birthdays fell in March, April and May.  Physically, all three were different.  Emotionally, they bonded like blood sisters.

The strange thing is that if anybody looked at them and wondered where they had come from, no one would have guessed right. 

All three, in my opinion, were intelligent, loving and giving.  Despite the different exposure and upbringing, the three got on very well with each other.  Yes, there were some moments when any two of the three didn't see eye to eye but that rarely lasted long.

The friendship thrived during those years and eventually each went their separate ways.

For me, it is an amazing tale of three friends with dissimilar backgrounds, that destiny brought together.  Three different women who became friends.  Good friends, I should add.

Life is truly interesting and amazing.  Unplanned and unexpected but altogether making for an incredible tale.  For me, this was one of them. 

  

Enough...

Pic from Facebook

Yesterday was an incredible day!  Since midnight, wishes for me came via calls, smses, emails, messages and comments.  What is awesome is that they came from all over the world!

Of course, the bulk of the wishes were via Facebook.  I really enjoyed the attention and also the time taken by each person to do something.  It really made me feel special and that's how it should be.

Throughout the day, I received blessings upon blessings from family and friends wanting only the best for me.  Even at 54, the excitement doesn't get stale.

When I was overwhelmed by the intense love and feeling a bit embarrassed by some spectacular messages, I was constantly reassured that I was deserving.  What's that they say about a cup overflowing???

Who you are is enough.  People will know you and they will love you. 

At the end of the day, if you are true to yourself and you can say to yourself, "who I am is enough", you'll discover that it really is enough.

365 days later...

Pic from FB

Anyone who has worked steadily at any job will understand what a dilemma it was, for me, to decide whether or not to retire early.

For me, it's almost a surprise to find that a year has passed by.  Three hundred and sixty-five days have come and gone!  Just like that!!!!

I never would have pictured my life to be the way it is now.  So much has changed.  I feel a tremendous surge of joy when I realise that I didn't lose anything, in terms of happiness!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After nearly a year, I returned to the Embassy.  I had expected to visit my ex-colleagues earlier than this but somehow didn't get to doing it until just this week.  The deputy Chief of Mission asked me the most common question about my life, "Do you like Singapore?".  I replied, "I don't like it, I love it".  

I had expected to miss my salary but I didn't.  Really, it is never about the dollars and cents at all.  It's the people that I have missed.    I didn't know how much until I was back there with them.  The familiar faces of Sumathi, Loga, Anita, Ivy and, of course, Carlos!    We were a great team.  The feeling of being among people who know me and who I know have missed me, genuinely, make me feel so rich.  

My office at the Embassy of Peru

I looked at my old office and there is no twinge of regret.  I only miss the camaraderie that was shared during the coffee breaks and lunch time.  Oh, the things we did in the office when no one was around!  Those are the moments I remember most.  They make me smile.

My 20 years at the Embassy taught me so many things about everything.  I don't think I would be who I am today if not for all the experiences and the people who worked with me.  I am thankful and grateful to all of them.

I still feel a strong sense of loyalty to the country and to the friends I've made along the way.  I will always have a soft spot for Peru.  20 of my 50 odd years were spent serving the country: that is 2/5 of my life.

In my own mind, I like to think that I have showcased the best of Malaysia to the diplomats.  I hope that when they remember Malaysia, they think of me.  Hearing everyone say that they have missed me makes me happy yet sad.  I wish I could be there for them; with them.  In any case, I am just a phone call or email away.

I was told that I am a legend in the Embassy.  I am sure that is stretching the truth a bit but it did make me feel on top of the world.

Was it worth giving it all up?  Yes.

Am I glad I left it all?  Yes.

To spank or not to spank!

Pic from FB

There's a short but healthy debate about discipline after I shared this picture on Facebook.  I respect that everyone has an opinion and it's always good to read and know how others think.  Either it adds to our thought patterns or it changes how we look at things.

I believe that discipline is good in whatever form you think is right for your family.  It is not something you choose to do but more likely that you need to do.

I've seen parents being emotionally blackmailed by their children.  

I've seen parents sitting helplessly at dinners while their children misbehave.

I've seen parents allowing their children to throw fruits at guests.

How did it get to this?

On Facebook, I mentioned that I was never spanked.  Actually, the more accurate thing would have been to say that I was never spanked by my Dad.  

My parents played the good cop/bad cop game with us.  Hahahaha

BUT nearly an hour later, I suddenly remembered that my Mom did spank me. I must have been 8 or 9 years old.  I vaguely recall that it was for not cleaning a room.  Mom allowed us to make a mess provided we clean it up.  We made the mess and then ran off to play outside.  When we got home, she smacked us.  

Truthfully, I can barely remember being smacked.  But the shame of being punished for not doing something I was supposed to do stayed with me.  It taught me that I should never make a promise and not keep it. 

It wasn't the spanking that hurt.  It was that I had let my Mom down.  She had trusted us to play until the room was a complete mess.  She had trusted us to clean up after that.  We didn't.

I learnt from that.  Maybe I could also have learnt if she had 'talked' to us instead of spanking us.  I don't know.  I only know that the spanking didn't hurt me.  Not in the way that people say they are scarred for life when their parents hit them.

I believe in spanking, when it is necessary.  I think that a little spanking is good for the child's growth.

"To each his own", I believe.

Logically speaking

Pic from Facebook.

Living in Singapore, I've found that people are generally mindful of the type of property you own. While I find it amusing that it is a much sought-after status quo, I do not think that it is a healthy one.  

The picture above does capture what I feel.  One can own a bungalow or condominium but it's not a guarantee that happiness is in equal proportion to the cost of your home.

We live in a small place.  People have asked Stephen where he is staying.  He always says that we live in Toa Payoh.  Usually, it is disbelief that they show when he says that our apartment consists of one bedroom, one kitchen, one bathroom/toilet, one hall/dining area.  In return, they will proudly inform that they live in apartments that have four or five bedrooms.  

He's been through this conversation before and he usually goes on with something along these lines:

Stephen:  There are only two of us and one bedroom is just nice.

Friend:  But it's so small!

Stephen:  How many bedrooms are there in your place?

Friend:  We have four bedrooms!  

Stephen:  How many people stay there?

Friend:  Oh, there are eight of us.  (Parents and 3 married children)

Stephen:  So two to a room.

Friend:  Yes, four couples so four bedrooms.

Stephen:  How many bathrooms?

Friend:  Two.

Stephen:  For eight people!

By now they are getting it!  The scenario is not as cosy as they thought it was.  They were under the impression that they had a nicer life because they had a bigger home.

Logically speaking, we have a better situation.   

Adding Extra to Ordinary.

Pic from FB

I met up with two dear Malaysian friends who came for a visit.    They are on a two-week driving holiday, in a car that is forty-seven years old. 

VOLVO 122 

The coastal drive will take them along the Peninsular starting out from Petaling Jaya, Selangor.  At the end of the holiday, they would have covered Port Dickson, Kukup, Tg. Piai, Singapore (where I am), Desaru, Cherating, Kuala Terengganu, Kota Bharu, Pulau Banding, Songkhla, Hatyai, Kangar, Penang, Lumut, Teluk Intan and then back home.  I understand that it's one of the things on their bucket list.  

Both of them are now retired, have known each other for about 40 years and will be celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary this August.  

Two days ago, we spent a few hours together , squeezing in the latest updates about our families.  The good thing about old friends is that it never gets old.  The friendship stays where it was and we just pick up from there.

Anyway, being with them reminded me of how wonderful it can be to live a simple and ordinary life, if you are with the right person.

Theirs is a story of an extraordinary love.  Their lives are a beacon of hope, for the people who are newly married, that love can last.

I can't help but to wonder, if only for a moment, about how my life veered off to another path.

They asked me if I was happy.  I didn't hesitate.  Yes, I am deliriously happy.  It's not something I've thought about but their question made me realise that I am.  I know it made them happy to hear my reply.

People always wait until it's too late to say what they feel.  I've made an effort never to be that way.  I always tell people when I love them.

Thank you, David and Shashi Netto.  Thank you for the love through the years.  Thank you for everything.  I love both of you very much.