Milestones

 

My online calendar alerted me that it is the anniversary of STEEST (my old blog).  Old blog and old story there only for the very curious people who can check my last post.

When I couldn't resurrect STEEST, I created SFGEMS.  This is the beauty of learning to let go and then moving on to other things.  In a way, SFGEMS began as a continuation of STEEST but as providence would have it, SFGEMS was a new milestone for my life in Singapore.  

STEEST was born in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia on 18 September 2008. 

SFGEMS was born in Toa Payoh, Singapore on 18 July 2012.

Co-incidentally, my granddaughter was born on 18 March 2019.

It was only this morning that I realised the number 18 appearing for each milestone. I began blogging on 18 September.  I started SFGEMS on 18 July and my granddaughter arrived on 18 March.  

For those who believe in numerology, it probably means something.  To me, it's just a random observation that I made.

Just like the image above says 

"Writing is seeing.  It is paying attention".

Myra Agnes Wheatley

📷 by Jared

Mom Myra has been gone a year.  It has been twelve months of living life differently since she passed away.  

We missed her most when Cayla was born because she predicted a baby girl for Jared and Gwen, long before Cayla was even conceived.  But we also knew that if she was still around, it would not have been possible for us to be in KK for the birth of our first grand-daughter.  It's a bittersweet thought.

While she was alive, our plans revolved around her.  Period.  There was never any question about this as far as Stephen and I were concerned.  Either one of us but usually both of us stayed put for every Mother's Day, Birthday, Christmas, New Year, and whatever else was being celebrated!

Mom spent her last and 82nd birthday (14 August 2018) in hospital.  In fact, in the wee hours of the morning, she was wheeled in for some procedure.  Stephen and I waited anxiously for her and she came back to her bed, in the late afternoon, slightly disoriented but also grumpy.  For us, it was a good sign.  She took one small piece of cake which was a gift from the hospital but refused anything more.  She was just tired from being there since 3 August 2018.  She kept asking to go back to her nursing home.  She said that it was her home and that the people there would miss her.  She wasn't wrong because the manager and nurses treated her like family.  The Econ family were always concerned for her well-being.  Mom was blessed that she always had good people taking care of everything.  That would include Stephen and me because we made all the critical decisions about her health.

When she was discharged on 16 August 2018, she was so happy to return to her bed and to see the familiar faces.    We also felt a sense of relief that she was back in her comfort zone.  Nearly two weeks in hospital was no fun for her or for us.

📷 by Stephen

Mom's left hand was often like this picture.  Whenever I could, I'd peel the three fingers out and massage them slightly.  She'd move it around when she heard music.  

Taken on 15 July 2018

Mom and Stephen sang together on different occasions but the last time was on 21 August.  They sang Ramona and Jinkli Nona and everyone was laughing and smiling.  All those on that floor enjoyed the positive vibration it sent around.  It was a sweet moment for her, for all the other residents, and the nurses.  I think mom had the best interaction with Stephen because he knew how to make her happy and he could entertain her with his shenanigans.  It was also the last time that Stephen would see her animated like that.  On 23 August, mom went into a sleepy mode.  She was less responsive and later unresponsive.  We were told to expect the worst.  Nobody thought she would make it through that weekend.  Jared and Gwen arrived from KL to be with us and to see their grandma.  Her situation didn't change much and they left on 26 August with a heavy heart but also knowing that they couldn't do anything more.

It was hard for them to see this usually sprightly woman just laying there. It was also very difficult for us to see mom as anyone other than her spunky self.  She always had a zest for life and living.  She fought so hard to be better and I don't know anyone else with so much grit and determination.

Over the last six years that I had spent nearly every day with her, a feat of which I can proudly claim, I learnt about who she was, in a very personal way.  She was selfless in many aspects, generous to a fault, and yet full of dignity as a woman.  She always put on a brave front and was fearless in the face of adversity.  

Mom Myra and I weren't close when I first married Stephen and never would I imagine that we would one day get to a place of mutual respect and admiration.  She often told people I was her daughter.  There is a crooked road we follow sometimes and if we stay on course, it could lead us to one where the view is lovely and peaceful.  I'd like to think this is the road we both travelled.

I always reassured mom that I would be there for her, especially in those last months.   When she was still alert, she was always loving and caring.  She always told me to go home and rest, to not worry about her and to be with Stephen.  Towards the end, when she was mostly sleeping, I hoped that knowing Stephen and I were sitting there by her bedside, made her feel some comfort.  All we are sure of is that we did our best.  We are told that we did do our best but what is more important is that we believe we did all that we could for her; especially after being told she wouldn't even make it through 2016. She hung on for 2 years more. 

When she went downhill and was in a kind of limbo, we played songs from her church-going days and whether she was able to interact with us or not, she was able to hear the music and lyrics.  We hoped it would keep her thoughts focussed on our loving God.  Sometimes those songs were for our own spirit: to remember that we have to trust God's timing and to let go.

Almost exactly one month after being discharged, mom passed away at 01.40 am on 17 September 2018.  Peacefully.  I say this without exaggeration because there was no pain, no struggling, but just slowly easing away to the other side.

On 16 September night, as per normal, the nurses would update me around 10 pm about her condition and we felt that it was necessary to go check on her because she seemed to show a sudden deterioration.  We didn't know if it was the right thing to do.  We didn't even know if it meant anything after many episodes of thinking it was that time.  We thank God for the wisdom to have followed our instincts.  I had never been at the bedside of anyone who passed away. Mom's BP and SpO2 were low and sometimes undetectable by the respective devices.   Even at that stage, I still thought she would make it through the night.  It seemed sudden because when we left her in the late evening, all her readings were still in the acceptable range. 

Just before she pulled her last breath, mom lifted her right hand in the air, after being motionless and almost lifeless for the last few days.  When she did that, I had a moment of confusion.  I wondered if she had wanted to speak or if she was in pain?  Then the nurses rushed over and said that mom had gone.  I didn't cry.  I couldn't.  It was so unexpected even if it was expected.  I just stood there feeling numb.  I just saw life abruptly end for someone I had come to love and respect.  It was a humbling and unexplainable moment.

Mom had a beautiful send off.  She had always spoken freely of what she wanted and even had an outfit chosen.  Three days and two nights at the void deck of her choice, behind the church, for friends and family to pay their last respect.  A meaningful mass celebration in her beloved church was held on 19 September.  Then finally her ashes laid to rest in the sea, off Changi Point on 20 September.  It is good that we didn't have to second guess each other.  Mom made it easy for us until the end.

And little did we know, this hand was there.  It wasn't always there but somehow this is where it is now!  How poignant and co-incidental that this would be mom's final home!  With the finger pointing to the heavens and a reminder that it's like the last piece in the jigsaw puzzle of mom's life.  

📷by Stephen

We talk about her still.  

We miss her still.  

Remembering Mom Myra

Image from Pinterest

There really was so much going on after mom was discharged from a two-week stay in hospital.  She had about one good week and then a sudden downward trajectory for about three weeks before she eventually succumbed to her comorbidities.  

Stephen and I were with her everyday.  She was in and out of wakefulness until the last few days.  When she was alert, she always said she was fine or that she was okay.  At that time, it was difficult watching her drift in and out of consciousness but now looking back it didn't seem so.  For her and for us, the days just folded between each other and there wasn't really time to think about anything.  Emotionally, it was draining but also was uplifting in many different ways.

I don't know if I will ever be able to encapsulate all that we felt with her and for her.  

At the wake and funeral, I do remember that many people thanked me for looking after her.  I didn't really feel that I did that.  But I did look out for her when she wasn't able to speak.  I did always tell her that I loved her.  I did always show her that I loved her.  If that is what looking after her meant, then yes, I guess I did look after her.  

What I will remember most about that day was how peacefully she left this world.  Just seconds before she took her last breath, she lifted her left hand ever so gently almost as if to say goodbye or maybe to reach out to the angels who were coming to take her to heaven.  Mom had not been moving at all for three days so this was quite unexpected. It was almost beautiful if it wasn't so final.  Stephen and I were on either side of her bed, and we didn't know it then but that was the moment she just quietly slipped away.

The nurses came to check and to confirm that she was gone. 

We expected it but still it was unexpected.  This closes the chapter of her story in our lives.  

Mom's final resting place is in a tranquil and serene part of Singapore.  This image gives me a lovely and loving closure to the last six years of the time spent with her. 

Picture taken by Stephen

Dead or alive

Image from Pinterest

It's odd that some people think connections are broken once a life has ended.  The truth is that this isn't true.  

The millions of threads that held two hearts together are too thick to be severed completely.  

Yes, one thread is cut but the remaining ones, criss-cross and form a mighty strong connection that can never be broken.  Many threads overlapping and making knots in places where memories were made.

We can tug and pull but it cannot be untangled.  The threads are entwined in a mess  and will forever be part of who we are.  

6 years ago

Image from Instagram

A year can change you a lot.  So imagine what six years can do.

When I first moved to Singapore, I had envisioned my life to fall into a certain pattern and never would I ever have imagined that it would turn out so different from what I had predicted or projected for myself.

My goals then were to read more, spend time in museums and libraries, watch movies and tv, sleep in, sleep late, visit all the malls, blog more, exercise, cook, bake, and even do some charity work.  I think I had done some of this in my first year but after all that, there was always still a lot of time on my hands.  

Although I left Facebook, I found Twitter and Instagram to be a nice outlet to get news, beautiful images and ideas. But even then, there was always still a lot of time on my hands.

Then I noticed a niche that no one else could fill and, unconsciously, I gravitated towards it.  I found out that caregiving was something that I could also do.  Caregiving not in the sense that I had someone at home to look after for 24 hours but someone who I visited as often as I could.  Giving care  or giving a care would be more accurate.

With this newfound path, I decided to give it more attention.  I read up on geriatrics, diseases, palliative care and whatever else I thought would help.  It gave me purpose and made me feel useful.

There was a time when I went to the nursing home everyday and, for a short period, twice a day when it was needed.  When I look back, I marvel at how I did all that.  It would never have crossed my mind, or that of my own family and friends who know me, that I would have the patience and kindness to see to the well-being of an ailing member of my husband's family.  Yet it seems that God's Grace is truly sufficient and I ended up doing what was least expected of me.

It has not always been easy to take charge of and oversee the responsibility that comes with old people but I have the best partner in the world. He always gives me unconditional support and encouragement.  Without him, I wouldn't have been able to do this at all.

Stephen gives me the space to make some decisions and allows me complete freedom to act independently when he is at work.  His confidence in me makes it easier to do what needs to be done.  He's the general and I'm the soldier carrying out my duties.  It works.

Six years ago, I would not have thought it possible that I had,  in me, the fortitude and strength to journey down the road that I have travelled.  

All along, I always thought I was helping someone else but in the process, I was helping myself.  I grew to understand more about life and I have a deeper knowledge of what it means to be there for others whenever we can.  There is no greater personal growth than when we rise above our own circumstances and help someone else.

I have learnt so much and for this I am thankful for all that I've become and still becoming.

I give myself a pat on my back for making my time here count for something.  I think it's called serendipity.  

Side note:  I've always wanted to use that word.  It means the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.

My cup runneth over

Image from Pinterest

Jared tied the knot at the ROM on Monday, 30 November 2015 after five years of courtship.  Their church wedding will be in 2016. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Young love is so wonderful.  

It's a week since and we're still deliriously happy that everything went so well. The simple ceremony, lovely lunch and dinner/drinks session all made for a totally memorable day. 

While it was quite exciting to finally hear the words, "you are now husband and wife", the defining "moment" for me was during the lunch when I suddenly looked around and felt overwhelmed by all the good people there who love this young couple so unconditionally.  It's a beautiful thing to be surrounded by so much positive energy.

My MIL congratulated me twice.  I can understand her joy. Jared is her first grandson!  I have been immensely blessed to have her as my MIL.  She has been a great role model with her love, encouragement and support for everything I've done.  

Katherine Hepburn nailed it by saying that it's not about what you are expecting to get.  It's always about what you are expecting to give.  May Jared and Gwen hold this message in their hearts and be blessed always by all the love that surrounds them.

My cup runneth over.... 

Image from WWW

She's 79 today

 

My mom-in-law is 79 today.

I have asked her if she wanted to go out to celebrate but she was not interested. All she wanted is chee cheong fun.  Her simple request made me think a lot about people who want so many things. To me, it's such a practical and down-to-earth thing to ask for.

I've learnt that when one gets older, one doesn't really need much to be happy.  A birthday doesn't bring a long list of requests for this or that.

We did celebrate with a birthday balloon and cake.  But even as she was glad for all those things, she asked, "where's my chee cheong fun?".  That's typical of her, always direct, practical and straightforward!!!!

I hope when I'm 79 I'll also have so few needs or wants and that a simple meal will be enough to cheer me up.

After singing and eating, I asked what her wish is for today and she replied, "Long life".

May she remain well all the days of her life. 
In Jesus' name I pray. 
Amen. 

I know enough now!

Not always but sometimes I do feel that I am not doing enough for the people in my life. Then I take a step back and look at what I'm doing and I ask myself if I'm doing my best.  For sure, my answer will be "yes" since I'm being my own judge.

Now I go one step further by also checking if while doing my best, I'm also being my best for me.  If the answer is "yes" again, then I know I'm on the right track.

I still feel guilty at times (not often) that I am spending too much time on my HP.  But if I'm not on my HP, I'd be reading a real book or watching TV or listening to the news or browsing youtube music videos.  My HP provides one platform for all of these things.  So it's not about spending time on my HP.  I'm just doing many different things with it. 

At that precise moment, I stopped analysing my time on the HP. I know enough now to enjoy it and also stay in touch with the people I love.  

End of story.

Three years already!

Image from Pinterest

Yep! It's three years since SFGEMS was created.  There was a time when I lost sleep wondering if I had checked and re-checked before posting something.  Nowadays I no longer do that.  Maybe I believe that perfection is a myth and maybe I also realise that imperfection isn't a flaw.

When I used to write on STEEST, I was afraid that no one would read my blog.  Then I was afraid that someone would read my blog. Mentally tortured myself for no reason!!! There are millions of blogs in the world wide web.  Then I realised that I was writing for the future me.  It's a timeline of my own life way before Facebook.

In early 2012, I inadvertently deleted all the images in STEEST and I was wondering what to do until I realised that there was nothing I could do.  Hence the only solution was to start over and it was as easy as going to the shops to get a packet of chips!!!

What's my point on this 3 year anniversary?  Well, it's this ------->

No use crying over spilt milk, just clean the mess and move on.

I'm glad I started this blog.  It's been a good avenue to release some of my anxiety and thoughts.  It's also a great way to focus on the good in my life.  

Whenever I've wanted to write, I just write.  Sometimes I keep it in the drafts until I've had a second look.  At other times, I just publish without any more thoughts about it.  

Anyway, it's been a good record of what's happened in my life. Each entry reminds me of something important.  The memory will go and then only these words will remain.  

One day in the distant future, when I can no longer remember much, I will be able to return and read about my own life. 

  

Today in 1992

My journey, or rather one of them, started in 1992 and ended in 2012.

It seems like I never ever worked at the Embassy of Peru for twenty years.  How easy it has been to forget and leave it all behind!!!!

When I was teetering on whether or not to do it, I was in a short state of turmoil but when I decided, I just went ahead without thinking more and now it's already over three years since I've left.  

Today a reminded popped up in my online calendar that said "Peru Embassy Anniversary".  I don't even remember putting that detail in my calendar.  I must have done it since it came up together with my other appointments for the day.

Nice moment that brought when I look back at the friends I made and still contact via email or whatsapp.  

Looking back, it had molded me for the greater good.  I learnt so many things during those years and some of those lessons hold me in good stead today.  How awesome is that!!!

TWO YEARS ALREADY (Yes, I'm shouting!)

Image from FB

I almost cannot believe that it is already two years since I left the working world.  Two years which is equivalent to 730 days.  I find it so hard to reconcile with the fact that I have lived off my husband (mwahahahaha) for this long!

I did worry about how it would be not to earn my own money.  Most modern working women will wonder what it is like to rely totally on their spouse.  It cannot be an easy thing to do and yet I stepped into this situation rather easily.  I admit that the first month here was a bit awkward.  But after surviving that 'trial' period, everything just became so natural.  

Anyway, this blog post isn't about money.  It is about celebrating an anniversary.  

The feeling of euphoria is still strong.  Most days I wake up feeling so blessed to have someone to love, a place to lay my head and enough to eat.  

Until now, people are still asking me what do I do with my time.  Well, I still can't finish doing everything I want as there just isn't enough time!!!!  Maybe it's because there's so much that I want to do.  And sometimes there is nothing that I want to do.  Either way, it's all good.  My boss (Stephen) is very flexible about everything.  

Now we are just counting down the days to when he will retire. We are hoping for soonest possible but it'll happen sooner or later.  

Image from FB

An unexpected delight!!!

So they spelt my name wrongly!  Instead of Soliano, it became Solidano.  It annoyed the teacher in me but the niece in me got over it quickly.

In any case, it is not about me but about Rufino Soliano.  What an extraordinary life he has led throughout his musical career.  The music he has shared touched every level of society here in Singapore.

Maybe the young may have forgotten him and maybe only the people of the older generation remember his name when he was at the helm of the Singapore Broadcasting Corporation.  It really doesn't matter because his music will live on forever.

There is a saying that (Every man should) plant a tree, have a child, and write a book. These all live on after us, insuring a measure of immortality. – attributed to the Talmud and Jose Martí, Cuban revolutionary and poet.

I think Rufino Soliano accomplished all these in his own way.  

~~~

While I have had letters to Editors of Newspapers published in Malaysia, this is my first print in Singapore.  I am certainly proud of myself.

Likewise, I am so pleased that the National Library Board saw fit to share this poem I wrote.  Thank you NLB for this kindness.  The gesture is very much appreciated.  

Just perfect...

When we hear of someone who has died in what we believe is before his time, we tend to stop and take stock of our own life.

When I did that, I reached a conclusion that my life is beautiful. In any case, I've had enough people saying this to me so I already know it is true.

It is a perfect life.  Perfect from my point of view and the only view that should matter.  

I was discussing life, death and the hereafter, with a dear friend via emails, and I wrote "It seemed to me that most people are afraid to say that their life is perfect already.  They are worried that if they say it is perfect then it cannot get better.  It can be perfect at that particular point in time."  

I added, "I like to think that my life is perfect today.  So is yours!  I see you so happy and contented and I think that's perfect.  If it doesn't get better, it's already perfect.  If it gets better, then, by golly, it's better than perfect.  A win-win situation, I think."

Someone's early demise shouldn't be the moment when we stop to think about our lives although I suppose it is a natural thing to do. However, I am now going to make a conscious effort to count my blessings each day and not wait for a catalyst.

I realise I have reached a certain point in my life where there is no longer any reason to prove I am happy. I just am and it's a beautiful life.  

Bon Voyage, Errol!  This one's for you!

365 days later...

Pic from FB

Anyone who has worked steadily at any job will understand what a dilemma it was, for me, to decide whether or not to retire early.

For me, it's almost a surprise to find that a year has passed by.  Three hundred and sixty-five days have come and gone!  Just like that!!!!

I never would have pictured my life to be the way it is now.  So much has changed.  I feel a tremendous surge of joy when I realise that I didn't lose anything, in terms of happiness!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After nearly a year, I returned to the Embassy.  I had expected to visit my ex-colleagues earlier than this but somehow didn't get to doing it until just this week.  The deputy Chief of Mission asked me the most common question about my life, "Do you like Singapore?".  I replied, "I don't like it, I love it".  

I had expected to miss my salary but I didn't.  Really, it is never about the dollars and cents at all.  It's the people that I have missed.    I didn't know how much until I was back there with them.  The familiar faces of Sumathi, Loga, Anita, Ivy and, of course, Carlos!    We were a great team.  The feeling of being among people who know me and who I know have missed me, genuinely, make me feel so rich.  

My office at the Embassy of Peru

I looked at my old office and there is no twinge of regret.  I only miss the camaraderie that was shared during the coffee breaks and lunch time.  Oh, the things we did in the office when no one was around!  Those are the moments I remember most.  They make me smile.

My 20 years at the Embassy taught me so many things about everything.  I don't think I would be who I am today if not for all the experiences and the people who worked with me.  I am thankful and grateful to all of them.

I still feel a strong sense of loyalty to the country and to the friends I've made along the way.  I will always have a soft spot for Peru.  20 of my 50 odd years were spent serving the country: that is 2/5 of my life.

In my own mind, I like to think that I have showcased the best of Malaysia to the diplomats.  I hope that when they remember Malaysia, they think of me.  Hearing everyone say that they have missed me makes me happy yet sad.  I wish I could be there for them; with them.  In any case, I am just a phone call or email away.

I was told that I am a legend in the Embassy.  I am sure that is stretching the truth a bit but it did make me feel on top of the world.

Was it worth giving it all up?  Yes.

Am I glad I left it all?  Yes.

Tomorrow

My friend just shared this on Facebook

and the timing is perfect.

I had to put this up as a reminder.

Pic from FB

One year already!

I made it through the first year!

Pic from here

Just wanted to mark the end of my first year of being retired.  It's been a fantastic journey of adapting and adjusting to a life without rules and regulations.

Did I miss any of it?  Yes.  To say that I don't miss anything would not be truthful.

Do I want it back?  No.  To say that I do would mean I retired too soon.

So I'm right where I want to be.  

I'm looking forward to the next 365 days of new challenges and opportunities to be even better than I am.  

Tomorrow I'll write more about my thoughts and what's going on in my mind.  Stay tuned!!!!

God bless you!

A Milestone in my Family

Pic from www.verybestquotes.com

There are four us: three sisters and one brother that make up our family.  I acknowledge that I also have two half brothers, but that's another story. 

For most of my childhood, my father was away working in Singapore, Australia and Vietnam.  Hence, it was my mom who took care of us till we were teens.  By that time, we had all already found our own paths.  For this reason, we were rarely together.  

Our early twenties saw us spread all over.  One in Hong Kong, the other in Penang, leaving the two younger ones in different parts of Kuala Lumpur. All of us were married before the twenties were over.

Our thirties were tumultuous.  All of us went through life-changing moments.  If I remember correctly, two were in Penang and two were in Kuala Lumpur.  Despite not meeting often, we stayed close to each other.  We weren't physically in touch but we remained very much involved in each other's lives.

The forties were the years of settling down.  My sisters were up north in Penang and my brother was mostly down south in Johore.  Yet we still stayed connected, thanks to modern technology.  All of us began finding our niches and digging our feet in for the long haul.  Our children were growing up and we watch them interacting with each other as we had done before.  

The fifties!  My sisters are in Penang, my brother is back in Kuala Lumpur and I am in Singapore. It's a milestone because the baby of our family has finally crossed this line on 10 February (the first day of the Lunar New Year) and he now joins his three sisters in the 50s club.  It had always been his joke to call us the "oldies" and claiming he was still in his forties.  Now he's one of us.  *smug look on my face*.

I wonder what it is like for my mom, who will be seventy-eight this year; to see all her children reach this half a century age.  What does she feel? I must ask her.  

I did a quick calculation to see how old I would be when my son turns fifty.  Heh heh heh! It seems to be in the distant future.  However, time flies and just as these last years have gone by so quickly, I know that soon that day will be here.  I must remember to make each day count. 

It is a nice feeling to know that all four of us have reached the mark of half a centenarian.  It makes me happy but a little sad when I think of all those who have lost a sibling.

I spoke to my brother this morning and I plan to call my sisters later.  I am sure it will be a nice surprise.  I just want to let them know that it is a blessing to be in each other's lives. 

I know this post is a little late but with Chinese New Year and all the other stuff going on, I didn't get to finish it.  

Unknowingly, we ushered in the Lunar New year, with a milestone, for this family who are ALL over 50!  Now that we know, it'll make 2013 special for all of us.

For my sisters (Esmeralda and Lourdez) and my brother (Antonio), I send them loving wishes for a year to be filled to abundance with all that their heart desires.