Myra Agnes Wheatley

📷 by Jared

Mom Myra has been gone a year.  It has been twelve months of living life differently since she passed away.  

We missed her most when Cayla was born because she predicted a baby girl for Jared and Gwen, long before Cayla was even conceived.  But we also knew that if she was still around, it would not have been possible for us to be in KK for the birth of our first grand-daughter.  It's a bittersweet thought.

While she was alive, our plans revolved around her.  Period.  There was never any question about this as far as Stephen and I were concerned.  Either one of us but usually both of us stayed put for every Mother's Day, Birthday, Christmas, New Year, and whatever else was being celebrated!

Mom spent her last and 82nd birthday (14 August 2018) in hospital.  In fact, in the wee hours of the morning, she was wheeled in for some procedure.  Stephen and I waited anxiously for her and she came back to her bed, in the late afternoon, slightly disoriented but also grumpy.  For us, it was a good sign.  She took one small piece of cake which was a gift from the hospital but refused anything more.  She was just tired from being there since 3 August 2018.  She kept asking to go back to her nursing home.  She said that it was her home and that the people there would miss her.  She wasn't wrong because the manager and nurses treated her like family.  The Econ family were always concerned for her well-being.  Mom was blessed that she always had good people taking care of everything.  That would include Stephen and me because we made all the critical decisions about her health.

When she was discharged on 16 August 2018, she was so happy to return to her bed and to see the familiar faces.    We also felt a sense of relief that she was back in her comfort zone.  Nearly two weeks in hospital was no fun for her or for us.

📷 by Stephen

Mom's left hand was often like this picture.  Whenever I could, I'd peel the three fingers out and massage them slightly.  She'd move it around when she heard music.  

Taken on 15 July 2018

Mom and Stephen sang together on different occasions but the last time was on 21 August.  They sang Ramona and Jinkli Nona and everyone was laughing and smiling.  All those on that floor enjoyed the positive vibration it sent around.  It was a sweet moment for her, for all the other residents, and the nurses.  I think mom had the best interaction with Stephen because he knew how to make her happy and he could entertain her with his shenanigans.  It was also the last time that Stephen would see her animated like that.  On 23 August, mom went into a sleepy mode.  She was less responsive and later unresponsive.  We were told to expect the worst.  Nobody thought she would make it through that weekend.  Jared and Gwen arrived from KL to be with us and to see their grandma.  Her situation didn't change much and they left on 26 August with a heavy heart but also knowing that they couldn't do anything more.

It was hard for them to see this usually sprightly woman just laying there. It was also very difficult for us to see mom as anyone other than her spunky self.  She always had a zest for life and living.  She fought so hard to be better and I don't know anyone else with so much grit and determination.

Over the last six years that I had spent nearly every day with her, a feat of which I can proudly claim, I learnt about who she was, in a very personal way.  She was selfless in many aspects, generous to a fault, and yet full of dignity as a woman.  She always put on a brave front and was fearless in the face of adversity.  

Mom Myra and I weren't close when I first married Stephen and never would I imagine that we would one day get to a place of mutual respect and admiration.  She often told people I was her daughter.  There is a crooked road we follow sometimes and if we stay on course, it could lead us to one where the view is lovely and peaceful.  I'd like to think this is the road we both travelled.

I always reassured mom that I would be there for her, especially in those last months.   When she was still alert, she was always loving and caring.  She always told me to go home and rest, to not worry about her and to be with Stephen.  Towards the end, when she was mostly sleeping, I hoped that knowing Stephen and I were sitting there by her bedside, made her feel some comfort.  All we are sure of is that we did our best.  We are told that we did do our best but what is more important is that we believe we did all that we could for her; especially after being told she wouldn't even make it through 2016. She hung on for 2 years more. 

When she went downhill and was in a kind of limbo, we played songs from her church-going days and whether she was able to interact with us or not, she was able to hear the music and lyrics.  We hoped it would keep her thoughts focussed on our loving God.  Sometimes those songs were for our own spirit: to remember that we have to trust God's timing and to let go.

Almost exactly one month after being discharged, mom passed away at 01.40 am on 17 September 2018.  Peacefully.  I say this without exaggeration because there was no pain, no struggling, but just slowly easing away to the other side.

On 16 September night, as per normal, the nurses would update me around 10 pm about her condition and we felt that it was necessary to go check on her because she seemed to show a sudden deterioration.  We didn't know if it was the right thing to do.  We didn't even know if it meant anything after many episodes of thinking it was that time.  We thank God for the wisdom to have followed our instincts.  I had never been at the bedside of anyone who passed away. Mom's BP and SpO2 were low and sometimes undetectable by the respective devices.   Even at that stage, I still thought she would make it through the night.  It seemed sudden because when we left her in the late evening, all her readings were still in the acceptable range. 

Just before she pulled her last breath, mom lifted her right hand in the air, after being motionless and almost lifeless for the last few days.  When she did that, I had a moment of confusion.  I wondered if she had wanted to speak or if she was in pain?  Then the nurses rushed over and said that mom had gone.  I didn't cry.  I couldn't.  It was so unexpected even if it was expected.  I just stood there feeling numb.  I just saw life abruptly end for someone I had come to love and respect.  It was a humbling and unexplainable moment.

Mom had a beautiful send off.  She had always spoken freely of what she wanted and even had an outfit chosen.  Three days and two nights at the void deck of her choice, behind the church, for friends and family to pay their last respect.  A meaningful mass celebration in her beloved church was held on 19 September.  Then finally her ashes laid to rest in the sea, off Changi Point on 20 September.  It is good that we didn't have to second guess each other.  Mom made it easy for us until the end.

And little did we know, this hand was there.  It wasn't always there but somehow this is where it is now!  How poignant and co-incidental that this would be mom's final home!  With the finger pointing to the heavens and a reminder that it's like the last piece in the jigsaw puzzle of mom's life.  

📷by Stephen

We talk about her still.  

We miss her still.  

100 days, 4 months and 7 years!

Image from WWW

I wasn't counting but I was told that my brother has been gone for 100 days.  It somehow seems surreal that he isn't around.  We hadn't been physically or emotionally close these last years.  But we always kept in touch with bits and pieces of news.  My last conscious memory of being with him was when he was still in the hospital.  I said I'd see him again after my trip to Sabah.  I hadn't imagined that I would see him at his funeral.  For all that we shared, during the good and bad times, I feel a sense of loss; not a tangible one but a kind of sadness that lingers.  

As with every death, the process of letting go is a personal one. For me, it started when I deleted his name from my list of contacts.  When I type in the letter "T", I notice his name no longer appears and somehow still serves as a reminder that he's gone.  I'll miss him from time to time but I'm glad he is no longer suffering.

On a happier note, my grand-daughter is 4 months old.  She is the epicentre in our lives. I use this word liberally because for Stephen and me, she causes earthquake waves of joy.  There is nothing she can do that doesn't make us gush with pride.  As Stephen says, "even her crying is cute".  I'm not so sure of that.  Now that she is back in KL, we will visit her more because it's nearer.  Having said this, our three trips to Sabah were just lovely and a nice break from our routine in Singapore.  We wouldn't have wanted to miss that holiday time either.  But now that she's closer, we're already thinking of when we will go and see her.  

It's exciting to be grandparents.  It is unexplainable feelings of complete and utter bliss to have a grandchild.  It is everything and more that we could ever have imagined.  She doesn't know it yet but her Pops (as he will be called) will be putty in her hands.  Oh well, happy days are ahead for her and, I suspect, for him too.

I almost cannot believe that 7 years ago, I started this blog after my previous one had a glitch.  Neither would it have been possible for me to know that today would be a triple kind of memory anniversary.  We never really know what the future holds and I like what Maya Angelou says about being present in the present.  If I will be honest, it pretty much sums up the 3 events today: forgivingly, prayerfully and gratefully.  

And with that in mind, I remember what my brother once said to me many, many years ago, "let the dead rest in peace and the living go on living".  

I'll do my best.

Image from WWW

Many years ago, I used to hear these words, "I'll do my best".  These days, I say it to others because it carries such a strong conviction in just mouthing those words.  

The one who used to say these words didn't realise the impact it would have on me.  But I have always thought that someone who responds with these words show a capacity to give their all.

The person is Suzee.  Some may know her, or of her, if they have been in my life long enough.  

I remember whenever I asked her to help me with something, her reply would always be "I'll do my best".  And it always was her best!

Once I asked her to sew some press buttons on some curtains for me, and she did them so neatly and beautifully.  More than that, she returned them to me the next day!

Another time, when she helped to paint my apartment, she chose the most difficult job of doing the grilles.  Where the brush couldn't reach wasn't a problem for her!  She just dipped her finger in the paint and used her finger to coat the parts that the brush could not reach.  That she would do something like that really blew my mind.  Until today when I see my grilles, I think of her and how she just went about to do her best.  

It wasn't any particular big project that she did for me, it was just small and random tasks but the manner in which she did it all, showed so much of who she is as a person.  I cannot remember everything that she has done for me but I will always remember her response!

How many of us remember to do our best in all we do?  I sometimes forget but Suzee's words ring in my head and then I do just that little bit more because that would be my best.  

It's how I can feel good and right with myself and in my heart.  It's how I know that I can do my best.  I am in awe of Suzee's attitude. 

Little does she know that her words have stuck with me through all the years.  Little does she know that I have tried to live with this motto.  

I hope that in time, someone else who hears me say "I'll do my best" will also feel something stirring inside and do the same.  

Thank you, Suzee, for all the love you've shown and continue to send to me. 

Whatever happens in life, I'll do my best, Suzee.  I hope you're proud of how your big heart has changed me.

400

Just like Spartan, the movie, with only "300" as the title, I thought just putting 400 is catchy and dramatic.

It's my 400th post and after all this while, I still find joy in writing because it's how I organise my thoughts and also my memories.  Without this blog, I'd have forgotten all the little stuff that can get lost in the bigger events of life.

Once in a while, I go and check STEEST for something and then I get lost, going through some old stuff I'd written and the same goes for SFGEMS.  Sometimes I don't even remember ever writing what I've posted.  That, for me, is always a nice surprise.  

First, because I think my mind conveniently decided to remove all traces of that blog content knowing that it's been saved.  Clever, if I’m right!  But it could either be that I am automatically deleting some of those memories or it is just part and parcel of forgetting due to old age.  It is a good thing then that I had put down those moments into words.

Second, because I can retrace my state of being, at that given point in time, via what I have written.  

And today with my 400th posting, I'm celebrating because I've stuck to keeping this blog alive, even when I've been lazy or busy.  

Whether or not I have an audience of one or a thousand, it is still a great thing to me. 

High Five again!

Image from Instagram @legendarywriting

Sometimes I just don't have anything to write about. Then something kicks in and I have so much to say.  These days I find myself in a routine that I created for myself and I often get lost in the days which drag on to weeks.  But I do make a conscious effort to write at least once a month!

Most days, I wake up, check my phone, read some news, do my chores, have lunch and then half the day is gone.  After that I get ready to go out and by the time I'm done with the errands and whatever else I need to do, it's already evening.  While waiting or when I'm in the bus or train, I check to see if there is anything happening in the world that I missed!  Hahahaha.  

Stephen and I are news addicts.  Whenever I use the computer, I'm sure to see some news portal that he's visited, waiting for me to browse through.  We aren't alone because our friend, Jerome, is also like us and very often we meet and discuss politics, latest stories or just to "sembang" which sort of means to chat or catch up.  

Anyway, this month has been an interesting one and I seem to have the desire to write a bit more than usual.  Maybe it's because today marks five years since SFGEMS was created after I gave up on my earlier STEEST blog.  In a way, it's a nice transition from when I was living in KL and then when I moved to Singapore.  I didn't plan on that happening but somehow it marked the change in my life and the person I have become.  Whatever it is, I'm glad that I didn't give up on writing.  It's always been the best way to document my life and feelings.  It's a glimpse into "me". 

Five is the number of Grace and it's fitting that I've been in Singapore for over five years now and the day I moved here was my first high five moment of 2012. Today, this blog is also five.  Hence the high five moment again. All glory, honour and praise goes to God for all these blessings in my life.

Even if I don't have a big fan club, my blog still garners random hits from all over the world and as at today has had 96063 page views.  Not bad for five years of writing!!!  Does it matter to me?  Not really because I write for me and maybe my future grandkids (hee hee).  I've said it before and I'll say it again and again because when I can no longer do this, I can come back to re-read and relive some of these happy or sad moments.  It'll challenge me to remember things that I may forget some five or ten years from now.  Will I even be alive then? That I do not know, but my blog will live on in the blogosphere forever!  

Corazon means heart

Image from Twitter

The last time that I spoke to my Aunt Corazon was on the 19th of March 2014 and just five days before she died.

I strain to remember if there was a hint in her voice that she knew or felt something.  It's impossible. Our conversations were always about the same things and about the same people. 

Every time we speak with anyone, it never occurs to us that it might just be the last time we talk to that someone.  

I don't always think of my Aunt Corazon but when I do, it stops me in my tracks for a moment.  Like today on the anniversary of her death and it doesn't seem as if it's been that long and I still miss her.

It's two years already and I still feel her love for me.  

I think this is what real love is all about.  A person loves you so much in real life that even when they are gone, you still feel that love from beyond.

I hope it works both ways and that she can also feel my love for her wherever she may be now.

My cup runneth over

Image from Pinterest

Jared tied the knot at the ROM on Monday, 30 November 2015 after five years of courtship.  Their church wedding will be in 2016. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Young love is so wonderful.  

It's a week since and we're still deliriously happy that everything went so well. The simple ceremony, lovely lunch and dinner/drinks session all made for a totally memorable day. 

While it was quite exciting to finally hear the words, "you are now husband and wife", the defining "moment" for me was during the lunch when I suddenly looked around and felt overwhelmed by all the good people there who love this young couple so unconditionally.  It's a beautiful thing to be surrounded by so much positive energy.

My MIL congratulated me twice.  I can understand her joy. Jared is her first grandson!  I have been immensely blessed to have her as my MIL.  She has been a great role model with her love, encouragement and support for everything I've done.  

Katherine Hepburn nailed it by saying that it's not about what you are expecting to get.  It's always about what you are expecting to give.  May Jared and Gwen hold this message in their hearts and be blessed always by all the love that surrounds them.

My cup runneth over.... 

Image from WWW

Another note to self

Image from Pinterest

Woke up while it was still dark so I could see Stephen off to work. Checked my whatsapp messages because some of my family and friends wake up at the crack of dawn and they usually drop me a wish or two.  It's always heartwarming to wake up to such positivity.

Went back to sleep until about 9.30 am and stayed in bed till 10ish. Okay, I sense raised eyebrows now! Hahahahahahahaha!  But this isn't how it is everyday.  Most days I have an agenda and I stick to it but once in a while a moment appears and I just allow it to envelop me.  

With coffee in hand, I do a quick check of emails and find one that I want to reply to because the person is important to me.  It's always a treat to read and dissect each other's words but with no judgement; only love, support and encouragement for one another. Such are the types of connections we should look for when we are older and not the ones that sow seeds of discontent and hatred.

It has been raining for a while now.  Thunder was in the distance and the beat of the rain on the awning was slightly deafening. Soft Christmas carols are playing in the background and I feel a strong sense of peace and happiness.

Not everything is perfect in my world.  No one has a perfect life but as I always like to think, it is far from imperfect.  

While I was replying, one load of clothes was washed and dried and I'm feeling that the quiet moment was time well-spent. Whatsapp messages came in and went out, between the email reply and I think I've made some people smile, feel better about themselves and helped them along their day.

I managed to rethink some of the old stories while replying an email and I realise how far I have moved on.  The stories have a lesser hold on me and who I am now.  In some way, it's just a moment but how those moments have added up to making a nice few hours by myself, my coffee and my thoughts. 

Shalom! 

Memories...

Image from Pinterest

Seconds, minutes, hours, days or even years may pass but it doesn't change what had once filled the heart with love, laughter and even tears.

The heart never forgets. 

Tony Soliano Snr

It's not strange that my father had a huge impact on my life, whether he knew it or not and also whether I realised it then or now.

There are many moments, I replay in my mind, of just the two of us when no one else was at home.  Private and precious conversations that are mine.  I also hear the comments in my head, of people repeating what he had said to them about me. It all makes me smile.

I miss him.  I miss him in a very nice way.  

Three years already!

Image from Pinterest

Yep! It's three years since SFGEMS was created.  There was a time when I lost sleep wondering if I had checked and re-checked before posting something.  Nowadays I no longer do that.  Maybe I believe that perfection is a myth and maybe I also realise that imperfection isn't a flaw.

When I used to write on STEEST, I was afraid that no one would read my blog.  Then I was afraid that someone would read my blog. Mentally tortured myself for no reason!!! There are millions of blogs in the world wide web.  Then I realised that I was writing for the future me.  It's a timeline of my own life way before Facebook.

In early 2012, I inadvertently deleted all the images in STEEST and I was wondering what to do until I realised that there was nothing I could do.  Hence the only solution was to start over and it was as easy as going to the shops to get a packet of chips!!!

What's my point on this 3 year anniversary?  Well, it's this ------->

No use crying over spilt milk, just clean the mess and move on.

I'm glad I started this blog.  It's been a good avenue to release some of my anxiety and thoughts.  It's also a great way to focus on the good in my life.  

Whenever I've wanted to write, I just write.  Sometimes I keep it in the drafts until I've had a second look.  At other times, I just publish without any more thoughts about it.  

Anyway, it's been a good record of what's happened in my life. Each entry reminds me of something important.  The memory will go and then only these words will remain.  

One day in the distant future, when I can no longer remember much, I will be able to return and read about my own life. 

  

300 already

Image from WWW

This is my 300th post here on SFGEMS.  It's an anniversary of sorts!  Yay!  Celebrate later!

I've not been writing much and it's not because I have nothing to say or share.  I've just not been on my computer as often as I used to be.  Most of the things that I need to do, can be done with my HP now.

I can't do a blogpost on my HP.  I need to touch type because once I start writing, there's so much I want to say and I need my keyboard!!  

Mitch Albom said, "Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say.  For this reason, I'm glad that I have said a lot in both my blogs.  Stories that I thought I would never tell, have now been told.  Those stories will no longer haunt me.  They have been released on the world wide web and are no longer secrets kept inside of me.

For every blog post that I do, there are probably dozens more that I don't.  I have evolved.  I have changed from wanting to tell the world everything. It's also one of the reasons for leaving Facebook. Everybody wants to tell the world everything. Maybe I had an overdose when people began to show their disrespect for boundaries.  Whatever the case, I'm not analysing too much because I've moved on.

This blog has always been an avenue to just ramble on about what affects me.  Comments are nice but they don't define me.  I write because I like it.  The personal satisfaction of writing is enough for me.

People may or may not read and it doesn't much matter.  The reason I say this is because a couple of nights ago, I was browsing through some of the stuff I'd written and as I began to read the posts of two or three years ago, it was like reading it for the first time. I had totally forgotten about what I wrote and maybe I'm going to sound like I'm tooting my own horn, but I so enjoyed reading my own stuff.  Hahahahahaha *toot toot*

Image from Pinterest

If I can't remember what I wrote last year, it'll be refreshing to re-read the stuff here when I'm 70 or 80 years old. Will it  make me smile or shiver? I'm sure though that it will be entertaining (for me).  It's like giving me a future gift! Why not, eh?

We save money for our future so why not save memories, too?  

There are so many things that I would have forgotten by then and my blog is like a timeline of my life since before I retired.  Each piece will trigger a memory. 

In Peru, they sometimes say, "salud, dinero y amor" (health, money and love) when they have a toast.

Here's a toast to me, for all of these, and

a happy 300th anniversary!

Groan if you want...

Taken from Pinterest

I know some will find my loving posts irritating. Well, groan all you want. 

The thing is that loving posts are so few and far between.  Most people find that sharing feuds, fights and foibles are an integral part of their life.  Maybe it's an indirect way to show the world how tough they are and that they can take on any challenge the world throws at them.  

I think that I have just as  much of a right to share the happy things and the positive vibes because, well, we need it. 

People curse and swear in real life and online.  So I figure that I can bless and spread goodness in the same way.  

If I am going to be exposed to people saying mean and ugly things then I'm not going to hold back  when I feel love or loved.  

Since I recovered, I feel so much  better.  I'm healthier and my strength is increasing.

Nobody really cares because all they want to know is about suffering and problems.  They want to be informed if someone is worse off or who has bigger issues to deal with.

Let's change that.   Let's talk about the love and bless those who are better off and be happy for those who have a better life.  

It's not as easy as you think.  But it's not impossible, either. 

The image above really touched my heart.  It's who my Stephen is!  While I may be the love of his life and the children come a close second, I know that I'll be having a tough fight for first place when the grandkids come.  We'll see!!!  

Both sides now

Pic from WWW

Long ago I wrote a short letter to the editor of the local newspaper and it was published.  I believe that the only reason it was picked up, is the fact that I took a neutral stand in, what was then, a very controversial event.

I can't even remember if I kept the cutting.  I suppose it wasn't as it is today, when handphones are equipped with cameras and people snap pictures of anything and everything.

Stephen and I watched the live telecast of the Pistorius verdict being read out yesterday. I liked the way Judge Thokozile Matilda Masipa dealt with all the information.  She sifted through and looked only at what she felt were relevant and discarded what didn't have a bearing on the matter.  I admire the way she looked at everything objectively.  It must not be easy, in a case that has captured worldwide attention, to display such calm and composure.  I really enjoyed watching and listening to her.  (The verdict continues later today).

My thoughts went back to many situations where only one side was heard and accepted.  I suppose it's human nature to pick a side. Anyway, it's always wiser to know both sides of any story.  Sometimes both are wrong because neither is right.  Or both are right and neither is wrong. People say that in life there are no absolutes.  I think this is true.

Breathing in and out

Image from Pinterest

I had not wanted to write anything today. I thought that maybe it's just better to remember quietly and keep the thoughts close to my heart.

But three-quarters of the day has passed and still my mind drifts to my father who passed away twenty-four years ago today.

Much as I tried to stay busy, walking around and eventually baking a cake to keep occupied, I still wondered about my dad.

There are so many questions about death and answers are still unknown.  Perhaps that is why people are never really able to forget.  Some can, I guess but for me, it's still difficult and every anniversary brings a sadness that stays for awhile.

Today, as I breathe in and out, I think of my dad again and again.  No point fighting it.  

The magic is in the telling ~ Dr. Jacob L. Wright

Pic from Pinterest

This is partially true for me because sometimes it is the one who is telling who holds the magic.  

Words are my weakness.  In general, I gravitate towards people who write or speak well.  There are many who are able to say what I feel better than I would have been able to express.  Facebook has shown me that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings. Kindred spirits abound.  I do not need to know them personally.  Just knowing that there are others like me is enough.

I have just completed a six-week online course conducted by Emory University.  I discovered this when someone introduced Coursera to me and I learnt a new acronym: MOOC (Massive Open Online Course).

Never would I imagine that studying again would be on my agenda.  I have to admit it was the title "The Bible's Prehistory, Purpose and Political Future" that lured me to sign up.  In fact, I had forgotten about it until a reminder appeared in my email.

Anyway, from 26 May until yesterday, I was immersed in another world whenever I logged on to Coursera.  I did my best to keep up and follow the forum discussions as well as stay up-to-date with all the work. I did fall behind when I took a short holiday but I caught up as soon as I was able.

Dr. Jacob L. Wright, Associate Professor of Hebrew Bible, brilliantly led us through the course.  His impressive credentials and passion for the historical value of the bible came through in all the videos and/or interviews he did.  

It was such a treat to be able to hear him expound on the manifold aspects of the prehistory, purpose and political future with such ease and authority.

My favourite interviews were the ones with Professor Tamara Cohn Eskenazi.  I loved how she made her views so clearly and, dare I use this word, flavorful.

At the end, I was left with a desire to know more and this is what studying is all about.  It leads you to the next step and onward because there is always something to learn every step of the way. 

I had hoped that more of the New Testament would have been part of the course but it was wishful thinking because I am now informed that the "Bible" for Jews (as well as for early Christians) is the Old Testament. *Hat tip to Dr. Wright for clearing this up.

Although I started out very much a novice, Dr. Wright does cater to people like me.  He doesn't forget that we are participants as well.  This is what makes him endearing.  He doesn't neglect the ones who are new to the subject while being able to easily engage the others who have a deeper understanding of it all.  For this, I found the course extremely gratifying.

At the end of it all, I believe that I might have shifted the knowledge notch just a teensy weensy bit and I have found some answers to questions that were dangling somewhere in my head from I don't know when.  I know much more now than six weeks ago.  

Hence, the magic is in the telling.  Dr. Wright has that magic.