Why I still blog

Image from www

 

When someone dies, a whole load of history goes along with them.  We no longer have a way to get that information.  I do feel this because I have questions, about some things, and no one with the answers.

I was trying to do a family tree for my granddaughter, and I couldn't fill in all the blanks. The people who would know the details couldn't remember or have already died. 

So, I blog because I reckon that someday, my child or my grandchild (or even my great grandchild!) may be curious like me.  Maybe I will have answered some questions they didn't even think about.  Or maybe I just want to leave these posts for fun!  Either way, it will serve some purpose after I am dead. 

In any case, this is just the secondary reason.  The primary reason is that I like to put my thoughts down in words.  This alone makes it worth my while!

This space, if it still exists in the future, will be a great place to take a trip down memory lane.  I share a lot about my feelings, special events, cherished loved ones, and even inconsequential stuff.  I don't know if I will always be articulate or lucid.  Hence, long after I am gone, they will be able to browse through the labels and look for something they are curious about!  Perhaps it will give an insight into who I am (or was). 

Nothing is better than this

Image from Pinterest

  

Stephen loves kids.  In general, he finds every baby or toddler so cute while I reserve judgement in some cases!  Hence, it isn't any wonder that he is fantastic with children.

Even the kids in our neighbourhood know him by name.  

More than anything else, I love how he loves Jared, Gwen and little Cayla.  It is a blessing beyond compare.

Of who matters

Image from Pinterest

 

I used to think that I would never leave KL.  I believed that it would be where I would spend my retirement years.  It seems that we don't really know the future and can only speculate about it.

As it turned out, I moved to Singapore upon early retirement.  It was not an easy move and more out of necessity than desire.  Somehow, it has turned out to be what would be an amazing journey of discovery about who I am!

On my way here in 2012, I was filled with trepidation as this would not only be a change of environment, it would also be a change of lifestyle.

Thankfully, I negotiated the steep learning curves and found the plateau of being contented with it all.  

I have changed so much.  This I am certain of because I no longer have the same interests.  It is much like a *before* and *after* Singapore timeline.  

Here in Singapore, life is almost constantly revolving around Stephen.  And as we age, it really doesn't matter where we are as long as we are together.  I am grateful and blessed to be in his life as he is to be in mine.  

Image from Pinterest

Faded pictures and memories

 

Image from Instagram

I am not particularly photogenic.  I almost always don't like the photos taken of me.  I don't have a fixed smile that I can automatically switch on.  In short, I can't be an actress and I don't have a poker face. 

It is amazing that so many have the same look in every photo.  Do they practise in front of the camera?  I look different in almost all my photos.  Okay, some candid ones can be explained but the ones in a group or when posing for a picture?  How do they manage to perfect the smile, the look, and the pose?

Only lately, I have begun to loosen my hang ups about ugly photos of me!  Oh yes, the kids love it and save them in their handphones.  *rolling my eyes here*

Then I realise that when I am dead and gone, it is these very photos that will make them smile.  

Good people

 Image from eli_leo_art

Over the years, I've always felt that it is fine to be around everyone no matter who they are or whatever they say because I grew up with the notion that we are able to emerge from the negativity that sometimes emanates from them.  You know, like the saying, "The lily grows out of mud, yet it is not contaminated."

I probably conveniently overlooked the other possibility that the doom and gloom can stick in our minds.  This, then, creates a slippery slope towards thinking and dwelling in the pits of despair.

Of late, I have unknowingly moved towards and stuck with the family and friends who genuinely love and want the best for me.  It has made such a difference in my life.  They generate the good vibrations for a happy environment.  

There were so many who are happiness vampires!  They suck the smiles out of one's life.  They demand time, presence, responses, and the list goes on.  You disappoint in one and that's it!  I didn't realise it was so tiring and draining.  I stopped apologising and I let it go.  Turned out to be a life-changing decision for me! 

I recommend taking a good look at who is in your midst.  

Grow and glow!

Gentle rebellion

Image from WWW

 

I've been called a rebel many times in my life.  This is why I find this such a heart-warming image and phrase. 

I've become accustomed to putting other people first.  I put it down to being a secretary and always wanting to pre-empt the needs or wants of others in the office.  I can't use that excuse anymore as I retired in 2012 and those habits should no longer be dominant.  

Anyway, this is just a great reminder to me, myself and I!

Both sides now 2.0

Image from Pinterest

I say 2.0 because I have used this title before.  Somewhere it was tucked in my memory, and I had to check before I decided to click on "publish".

People somehow tell stories based on their inflated view of themselves.  I guess it's human nature to want to be the hero or heroine of any situation.  But if you aren't the saint then shouldn't the story be less exaggerated.  

If you only did 1%, how could you possible paint yourself as having done 99%?  Yet that is how it sometimes is even when the truth is obvious.

I do check myself when I share about any experience.  I make a conscious effort not to inflate my role and true to my Asian roots, I almost always downplay what I have done.  But that's me.

September to remember

GOSH!  IT'S BEEN SIX MONTHS SINCE I WROTE ANYTHING HERE!

(Image from Instagram)

I have found that life in this covid-19 era hasn't been all that bad for me.  Oh yeah, I didn't get to go back to KL for nearly two and a half years but eventually we did manage to return and spent almost a month with family and friends.

I'm a homebody so staying in doesn't get to me as much as it has to many others.  Whether we are out and about or not doesn't change that we are passing through the passage of time in our lives.  The paradox is that those who miss being able to go out, are annoyed that there are people who are quite simply satisfied not needing to go out.  And often, the ones who are home, can't fathom the need to constantly be on the go.

Overall, I've long been mindful that I have so much of what I have always dreamed about during my working days.  It was never to travel the world or to own a mansion because that's not who I am. Mostly it was a dream to be debt-free, happy, healthy and contented with life.  

Now I sleep when I want to and wake when I'm fully rested.  I watch TV, read, play online games and chat with Stephen (always an engaging partner for conversation). Our meals are when we sit opposite each other and either eat in silence because the food is so good or we talk about the latest happenings in our family and well, the world also.  Dessert depends on what is available but we usually have the same thing so it's uncomplicated.  As soon as the dishes are washed, we start thinking about tea time.  Luckily we have loads of choices because everything we like is just a bus ride or one MRT line away.  In this regard, Stephen is the obvious choice to go and get something.  More often than not, he comes back with snacks for our TV time.  We are trying (not always successfully) to only have healthy choices.  In general, life is pretty laid-back and easy.  We share chores and so the work is halved.  Of course, Stephen working from home is what makes this possible.  

Our routine makes for a life that I had hoped for but would never have imagined possible.  But here I am!  No complaints except for who is going to choose the show on Netflix!

Anyway, it's September and I want to remember that as long as you have the right partner with you, life is good.  I am just counting my blessings.

The Velveteen me

Image from Instagram (I think)

Too many people enjoy making comments without thinking about the consequences of their words.  Saying things without realising how hypocritical it can be is off-putting.  

To many people, I am difficult and hard to get along with.  And I won't disagree as they are entitled to their opinions.   We can't be angels to everybody.

Physically people used to say I was either too thin or too fat.  Seldom have I heard that I was just nice!  Even when that was said, it was laced with "but don't lose or gain any more weight".  

Emotionally, I have been called "hard as stone" and also "weak and sensitive".  No one really knows how to be empathetic.

Intellectually, I was considered below par compared to others or too smart for my own good!   I have heard "you could have done better" so many times.  In my mind, I always retorted, "I could have done worse".  Now I no longer bother. 

I'm getting older every day and no longer have the attributes of who I once was.  But there are people who still tell me that they remember my long and luscious hair or my big eyes.  Some say that I am still the sweet, young thing and I haven't changed.  These are the people who understand the current me and more than that, they are the ones who see me with eyes of love.

I have heard women who had no children commenting about the body of someone who had two babies. I have also heard thin people say that fat people have no discipline when it comes to food and the fat people saying that thin people look sickly.  

Sometimes I am guilty too.  Guilty of sizing up people.  Have been guilty of it, too many times, in the past!  

I suppose as we grow older, these things take on a lesser role in our minds. We become less judgmental.  We become.  I'd like to think that I have become or at the very least, I'm on my way to become the velveteen me.

Of love and miracles

There are so many unexplainable things that have happened between Stephen and me.  For example, songs long forgotten and no longer popular that we both liked when we were young and recalled when we began chatting. Then there are also the people who are mutual family members and yet our paths never once crossed during our childhood.  We hadn't the faintest idea that our future would one day collide.  We never imagined that we would be anything more than just friends.

I always like to think that somehow, we were meant to be even if we didn't set out to be together when we first met.

We were from the same yet different worlds: similar yet contrasting backgrounds; varied yet closeted exposure, diversified yet limited lifestyles, and the list goes on.  Yet, we kept moving forward and towards a life together.

When I saw this image and the words that were in it, I was enthralled as it totally encapsulates the love we have.  

This revelation was not something thunderous or mind-blowing but made possible by the tiny little things that have somehow become the very fabric of our life and love together.  

It is a miracle.

 

I miss them all.

 

Remembering all those we once loved

and who have gone on before us.

Image from Pinterest

Lived, loved, lost and learned

Image from Instagram

I've been stuck in a sort of time warp.  After the last few years of doing basically the same thing daily, it was a challenge to get out of that routine.

Watching Netflix, reading and playing online games helped to kill time. Not even the unusually busy moments of travelling, to and fro, to see my children and grand-daughter could truly shake me out of the rut that I seemed to be in.  

For a while now, I've realised that I didn't have much to talk about because a big part of my world used to revolve around my MIL. Her illness, medications, welfare and well-being were all things that were paramount in my life.  So much so that when she died, I didn't know what else to talk about.  She was the main topic of most conversations.  She was what I knew about best.

It took me a while to make my MIL the focal point of my life.  Somehow that made it easier for me to see to her. I didn't realise that I no longer have to do that anymore.  Maybe it was my own personal way to grief.  

I seem to have been a bystander in my own life.  The arrival of a beautiful grand-daughter can now take centre stage. She has changed the family dynamics but somehow she was sharing it with a great-grandmother that she will never ever know.

I should let the past move into a corner where memories are stored. 

I should make new ones.

I should move on.

I should become the irritating grandmother with ooohs and aaahs about everything my grand-daughter does.

I should save what I can remember of Cayla's great-grandmother Myra.  When Cayla is old enough, we can tell her bedtime stories about the fond memories shared.  

Yes, that's what I can do.  Let go of the old.  Hold on to the new.  And yet bind them together.

Already August 2019

Image from Instagram

January to July of 2019 has really been filled with loads of ups and downs.  And just like that, August is here!

Out of these 211 days, I spent 74 days away!

• 19 days (13Jan-31Jan) in KL
• 14 days (10Mar-24Mar) in KK
• 3 days (9Apr-11Apr) in KL
• 6 days (15Apr-20Apr) in KK 
• 24 days (12Jun-5Jul) in KL
• 8 days (6Jul-13Jul) in KK

Just about one-third of these seven months was spent moving around.  It was such an intense time of travelling and waiting at the airport.

Will I be going to KL again?  Yes. 

Will I be going to KK again?  Yes.

And so begins the next plan for my next visit.  Sometimes life can be so unpredictable.  If you had asked me this time, last year, if I had any travel plans, I'd have laughed.

Let's see what August brings.  I'm excited and looking forward to keeping the momentum but only after I've relaxed a bit with doing nothing.

Christmas Month - Day 31 New Year's Eve

What a year this has been for us!  The good, the bad and even the ugly but it's what makes the world turn.  Also I learnt long ago that no matter what or who happens, we have to stay the course we have chosen.  We keep what's nice about life and discard what we don't need or want.

There were some sad times but we mustn't let them overwhelm us. Some surprises refreshed our faith in humanity and this is what keeps us going.  

God will never shortchange us.  This is what I believe to be true for our lives.

(Images from Pinterest)

Maid and made Love

Image picked from WWW

It irks me to often see maids carrying the child while the mom enjoys a hands-free outing.  Of course, this is none of my business. People have every right to conduct themselves as they see fit.  I should also add that this isn't a usual scenario but I've seen it too many times to know that this occurs often enough to warrant some thought.

One day I saw a child stumble and instead of reaching out for the mother, the child turned to the maid.  Instinctively, they know who to go to for comfort.  The mother was nonchalant about it.  It's a sad development to see.  

Mothers should be the first person that a child reaches out for, when they fall or falter in life.  

Dead or alive

Image from Pinterest

It's odd that some people think connections are broken once a life has ended.  The truth is that this isn't true.  

The millions of threads that held two hearts together are too thick to be severed completely.  

Yes, one thread is cut but the remaining ones, criss-cross and form a mighty strong connection that can never be broken.  Many threads overlapping and making knots in places where memories were made.

We can tug and pull but it cannot be untangled.  The threads are entwined in a mess  and will forever be part of who we are.  

You know who you are!

Over time, I have written about people on my blog.  I think they deserved credit for the part they played in my life.  And even if I hadn't said anything on my blog about someone, I definitely would have told them directly via a personal call or message.

I wouldn't put it on social media and say, "Thanks to all the people who were there. You know who you are".  

It's so common to see people share a personal note of thanks and gratitude with a blanket line to "You know who you are". Well, if you do know them, why not mention them?  How many could there have been?  Even if it's a big number, why be so vague about who they are.

If you're thanking everyone present, I understand but if you're only referring to a handful then the right thing to do is to say who they are!

And strangely, it seems to be considered a nice way to convey a sentiment.  No, it's not!

If I'm thankful or grateful, I'll let you know who you are.  After all, I know who you are.  And a kind and thoughtful person sometimes doesn't even know they were doing something more than expected. That's just who they are and we should appreciate them for that.

But we can be the change and go out of our way to show them that nothing is unnoticed.  

See something, say something

SFGEMS IS 6 years old!  

And so it's another year that this blog has survived.  Sometimes I forget that I even have this platform to use when I want to say something.

The new mantra in the civilised world is "See something, say something".  I should begin to apply that to my blog too.  

Often when I'm out, I make a mental note to write about something but by the time I get home, I forget to do anything about it.

Writing makes me happy.  It helps me to organise my thoughts and I'm able to sort out what's going on in my head much better than when I speak it out.  Somehow the process of thinking is faster if I write.  

I have a lot of things that I want to write about because I haven't decided what I think about it yet!  Isn't that just hilarious?

So thank you to SFGEMS for being my go-to place when I need to think.

Saying goodbye

Image from Pinterest

This month has been one of mixed events.  Some so wonderful that it takes a quiet moment to soak in the loveliness of it all.  Others so sharp and painful that we can almost taste the sourness in our hearts.

This month, we had to say good bye to a friend.  He was a good man.  He was a kind man.  He lived a good life and we were sad to learn that he had passed on suddenly.  Although he was old, he never showed his age and seemed immortal.  His death is a grim reminder that we aren't here forever and that we should love as much and as hard as possible.  

We will miss him just like we miss all the ones who have gone before us.  It's never easy but life goes on. 

Rest in peace, Cyril De witt.  Thank you for touching our lives.  

Rest in peace, all my loved ones.  So many of you gone too soon.  

We part only to meet again one day!

A special moment

Image from Pinterest

People always tell me that I have a fantastic memory.  There is truth in that; both for the good and for the bad.

But today, I'm remembering a special moment in 1984 that changed my life and eventually brought me to where I am today.

It's a nice to pluck out a time in my life's history and embrace what was once a love so overwhelming.  It's a specific memory, embedded within millions of memories, that has taken root inside of me.  

I'm going to celebrate the day with love and laughter.