Living and feeling alive

Image from www

Yes, I've been slacking again but I will no longer apologise for the long lapses in posting here.  As I've said before, I don't write for clicks or likes.  I keep this blog for me, my immediate family, and anyone else who happens to chance upon it.

Even if nobody views it, I'm still going to keep at it.  Why?  Well, why not?

I started here twelve years ago and have enjoyed writing/sharing whenever I needed or wanted to do so.  It has sometimes been my go-to if I needed to give "air" to my feelings.  It is almost like having a friend who just sits and listens without judgement.  Perhaps this is the reason why I won't let it go. 

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Anyway, the first half of 2024 has been very eventful.  I have been busy just watching life go by.  There were, incredibly, ten deaths (family and friends).  It certainly does make taking stock of one's life uppermost in one's mind.  

With all that being said, I've just been slowing down to enjoy each morning, each day, each moment, and each memory made.

Being alive, is indeed, a grand thing.  

Eric 1990-1992

Image from Pinterest

No matter how many years have passed, it is impossible to not wonder about the life he would have had or the person he might have been.

He would be 33 today if he had not died 31 years ago.

Has it really been that long already?  Sometimes it seems like time is moving so slowly but when I look at milestones in my life, it has really flown so swiftly.

And Mary was her name

 Mary (Ah Moi) Soliano

5/7/1948 to 5/5/2021

And Mary was her name, and not so very ordinary girl or dame!  I sort of plagiarised those words from a song.  

But really, my Aunty Ah Moi was no ordinary woman.  In fact, I have to say she was extraordinary in so many ways.  Her kindness and generosity were attributes that she showed willingly and easily.

I have very fond memories of her when we were growing up.  She was always the strict but loving aunt who seemed to just love us unconditionally.

She was dedicated to my Uncle Max and their daughter, Isabel.  Her entire life revolved around them and in turn, they looked after her in her final months.  Good karma, so to speak.  

There are so many stories about her that I remember and sometimes shared.  We have wondered about her tenacity to pick herself up from scratch.  We have laughed at her funny interaction with Uncle Max.  Oh, they have loved each other for as long as I can remember.  Theirs isn’t a love of roses and romantic songs.  It is one of a deep and abiding concern for each other that isn’t bound by paper, certificate or anything legal that sometimes keeps people together.  Theirs is a raw kind of love relationship that is so rare.

When I mention, to others, about the teenage years with her, I sometimes choke on my words.  The emotions are hard to hold in check.  I know it stems from how I feel about her.  She had done too many big and small things for me and I will never be able to repay her in anyway.  Not that she would expect it because that’s not how she is. This is what the true value of goodness is all about.

I will make an effort to be more like my Aunty Ah Moi.  She was a precious gem and it was an honour to know her.

May she rest in peace forever more!

30 years ago

This year seems to be about numbers.  

Every day we have covid-19 details thrown at us and maybe because I live in Singapore but have loved ones in Malaysia, I sense it more by looking at the statistics of both these countries.  We begin to get a habit of waiting to see if things are better or not with the numbers given.  It's unhealthy, I suppose, to allow stuff like this to dictate some part of our day.  Yet imperceptibly it has!  

However, 26/3/2021 is special.  It's been 30 years since Doug died.  

I still vividly recall how that morning started yet I cannot remember much after I saw him in the mortuary.  

When he died, I tried very hard to think of the future without him.  He had always been there for me.  He was always loving and giving.  I leaned on his support for everything.  But oh, how I've learnt to stand on my own two feet since then!!

30 years ago, Jared was only 4 years old.

30 years ago, I was only 32 years old.

We've come a long way since 1991 but one thing hasn't changed for both of us, Doug is a huge part of who we are.  

Today we celebrate him because we are richer for having had the privilege of being a part of his life.

Reflections of a love lost.  Click link to watch Heart Shots Presentation

Myra Agnes Wheatley

📷 by Jared

Mom Myra has been gone a year.  It has been twelve months of living life differently since she passed away.  

We missed her most when Cayla was born because she predicted a baby girl for Jared and Gwen, long before Cayla was even conceived.  But we also knew that if she was still around, it would not have been possible for us to be in KK for the birth of our first grand-daughter.  It's a bittersweet thought.

While she was alive, our plans revolved around her.  Period.  There was never any question about this as far as Stephen and I were concerned.  Either one of us but usually both of us stayed put for every Mother's Day, Birthday, Christmas, New Year, and whatever else was being celebrated!

Mom spent her last and 82nd birthday (14 August 2018) in hospital.  In fact, in the wee hours of the morning, she was wheeled in for some procedure.  Stephen and I waited anxiously for her and she came back to her bed, in the late afternoon, slightly disoriented but also grumpy.  For us, it was a good sign.  She took one small piece of cake which was a gift from the hospital but refused anything more.  She was just tired from being there since 3 August 2018.  She kept asking to go back to her nursing home.  She said that it was her home and that the people there would miss her.  She wasn't wrong because the manager and nurses treated her like family.  The Econ family were always concerned for her well-being.  Mom was blessed that she always had good people taking care of everything.  That would include Stephen and me because we made all the critical decisions about her health.

When she was discharged on 16 August 2018, she was so happy to return to her bed and to see the familiar faces.    We also felt a sense of relief that she was back in her comfort zone.  Nearly two weeks in hospital was no fun for her or for us.

📷 by Stephen

Mom's left hand was often like this picture.  Whenever I could, I'd peel the three fingers out and massage them slightly.  She'd move it around when she heard music.  

Taken on 15 July 2018

Mom and Stephen sang together on different occasions but the last time was on 21 August.  They sang Ramona and Jinkli Nona and everyone was laughing and smiling.  All those on that floor enjoyed the positive vibration it sent around.  It was a sweet moment for her, for all the other residents, and the nurses.  I think mom had the best interaction with Stephen because he knew how to make her happy and he could entertain her with his shenanigans.  It was also the last time that Stephen would see her animated like that.  On 23 August, mom went into a sleepy mode.  She was less responsive and later unresponsive.  We were told to expect the worst.  Nobody thought she would make it through that weekend.  Jared and Gwen arrived from KL to be with us and to see their grandma.  Her situation didn't change much and they left on 26 August with a heavy heart but also knowing that they couldn't do anything more.

It was hard for them to see this usually sprightly woman just laying there. It was also very difficult for us to see mom as anyone other than her spunky self.  She always had a zest for life and living.  She fought so hard to be better and I don't know anyone else with so much grit and determination.

Over the last six years that I had spent nearly every day with her, a feat of which I can proudly claim, I learnt about who she was, in a very personal way.  She was selfless in many aspects, generous to a fault, and yet full of dignity as a woman.  She always put on a brave front and was fearless in the face of adversity.  

Mom Myra and I weren't close when I first married Stephen and never would I imagine that we would one day get to a place of mutual respect and admiration.  She often told people I was her daughter.  There is a crooked road we follow sometimes and if we stay on course, it could lead us to one where the view is lovely and peaceful.  I'd like to think this is the road we both travelled.

I always reassured mom that I would be there for her, especially in those last months.   When she was still alert, she was always loving and caring.  She always told me to go home and rest, to not worry about her and to be with Stephen.  Towards the end, when she was mostly sleeping, I hoped that knowing Stephen and I were sitting there by her bedside, made her feel some comfort.  All we are sure of is that we did our best.  We are told that we did do our best but what is more important is that we believe we did all that we could for her; especially after being told she wouldn't even make it through 2016. She hung on for 2 years more. 

When she went downhill and was in a kind of limbo, we played songs from her church-going days and whether she was able to interact with us or not, she was able to hear the music and lyrics.  We hoped it would keep her thoughts focussed on our loving God.  Sometimes those songs were for our own spirit: to remember that we have to trust God's timing and to let go.

Almost exactly one month after being discharged, mom passed away at 01.40 am on 17 September 2018.  Peacefully.  I say this without exaggeration because there was no pain, no struggling, but just slowly easing away to the other side.

On 16 September night, as per normal, the nurses would update me around 10 pm about her condition and we felt that it was necessary to go check on her because she seemed to show a sudden deterioration.  We didn't know if it was the right thing to do.  We didn't even know if it meant anything after many episodes of thinking it was that time.  We thank God for the wisdom to have followed our instincts.  I had never been at the bedside of anyone who passed away. Mom's BP and SpO2 were low and sometimes undetectable by the respective devices.   Even at that stage, I still thought she would make it through the night.  It seemed sudden because when we left her in the late evening, all her readings were still in the acceptable range. 

Just before she pulled her last breath, mom lifted her right hand in the air, after being motionless and almost lifeless for the last few days.  When she did that, I had a moment of confusion.  I wondered if she had wanted to speak or if she was in pain?  Then the nurses rushed over and said that mom had gone.  I didn't cry.  I couldn't.  It was so unexpected even if it was expected.  I just stood there feeling numb.  I just saw life abruptly end for someone I had come to love and respect.  It was a humbling and unexplainable moment.

Mom had a beautiful send off.  She had always spoken freely of what she wanted and even had an outfit chosen.  Three days and two nights at the void deck of her choice, behind the church, for friends and family to pay their last respect.  A meaningful mass celebration in her beloved church was held on 19 September.  Then finally her ashes laid to rest in the sea, off Changi Point on 20 September.  It is good that we didn't have to second guess each other.  Mom made it easy for us until the end.

And little did we know, this hand was there.  It wasn't always there but somehow this is where it is now!  How poignant and co-incidental that this would be mom's final home!  With the finger pointing to the heavens and a reminder that it's like the last piece in the jigsaw puzzle of mom's life.  

📷by Stephen

We talk about her still.  

We miss her still.  

Already August 2019

Image from Instagram

January to July of 2019 has really been filled with loads of ups and downs.  And just like that, August is here!

Out of these 211 days, I spent 74 days away!

• 19 days (13Jan-31Jan) in KL
• 14 days (10Mar-24Mar) in KK
• 3 days (9Apr-11Apr) in KL
• 6 days (15Apr-20Apr) in KK 
• 24 days (12Jun-5Jul) in KL
• 8 days (6Jul-13Jul) in KK

Just about one-third of these seven months was spent moving around.  It was such an intense time of travelling and waiting at the airport.

Will I be going to KL again?  Yes. 

Will I be going to KK again?  Yes.

And so begins the next plan for my next visit.  Sometimes life can be so unpredictable.  If you had asked me this time, last year, if I had any travel plans, I'd have laughed.

Let's see what August brings.  I'm excited and looking forward to keeping the momentum but only after I've relaxed a bit with doing nothing.

100 days, 4 months and 7 years!

Image from WWW

I wasn't counting but I was told that my brother has been gone for 100 days.  It somehow seems surreal that he isn't around.  We hadn't been physically or emotionally close these last years.  But we always kept in touch with bits and pieces of news.  My last conscious memory of being with him was when he was still in the hospital.  I said I'd see him again after my trip to Sabah.  I hadn't imagined that I would see him at his funeral.  For all that we shared, during the good and bad times, I feel a sense of loss; not a tangible one but a kind of sadness that lingers.  

As with every death, the process of letting go is a personal one. For me, it started when I deleted his name from my list of contacts.  When I type in the letter "T", I notice his name no longer appears and somehow still serves as a reminder that he's gone.  I'll miss him from time to time but I'm glad he is no longer suffering.

On a happier note, my grand-daughter is 4 months old.  She is the epicentre in our lives. I use this word liberally because for Stephen and me, she causes earthquake waves of joy.  There is nothing she can do that doesn't make us gush with pride.  As Stephen says, "even her crying is cute".  I'm not so sure of that.  Now that she is back in KL, we will visit her more because it's nearer.  Having said this, our three trips to Sabah were just lovely and a nice break from our routine in Singapore.  We wouldn't have wanted to miss that holiday time either.  But now that she's closer, we're already thinking of when we will go and see her.  

It's exciting to be grandparents.  It is unexplainable feelings of complete and utter bliss to have a grandchild.  It is everything and more that we could ever have imagined.  She doesn't know it yet but her Pops (as he will be called) will be putty in her hands.  Oh well, happy days are ahead for her and, I suspect, for him too.

I almost cannot believe that 7 years ago, I started this blog after my previous one had a glitch.  Neither would it have been possible for me to know that today would be a triple kind of memory anniversary.  We never really know what the future holds and I like what Maya Angelou says about being present in the present.  If I will be honest, it pretty much sums up the 3 events today: forgivingly, prayerfully and gratefully.  

And with that in mind, I remember what my brother once said to me many, many years ago, "let the dead rest in peace and the living go on living".  

Where do I go from here?

Image from WWW

Two months have passed since my MIL passed away.  During this time, I have thought about the questions people had asked me before, during, and even after the funeral.

"What are you going to do now?"

"How will you fill your days?"

Many different questions but all curious to know where I was headed.  And maybe it isn't a bad thing to want to have a direction.  But surely it isn't a necessity.

Stephen immediately responded to some that I was to take a break.  I was to do whatever I wanted.  I wasn't to jump into the next role of caregiver for someone else.  He's so protective of me and I always smile when I think of how he, himself, is so selfless.  But he's always protective and caring for me.

But this was an immediate change. I always knew it would come one day.  Suddenly I had nothing to do, no place to go and no one to worry over.  It was nice but it also left a small void in the life that I had become accustomed to.

So far, I've just enjoyed being still and embracing the new peace that has slowly filled the vacuum I felt from the busyness I left behind.  It isn't a difficult thing to do or not to do.  

Where do I go from here?  

To wherever life takes me...

And with a grandchild on the way, the horizon seems beautiful.  Stephen and I are excited beyond words because of all the joy that a new addition to the family can bring. 

Dead or alive

Image from Pinterest

It's odd that some people think connections are broken once a life has ended.  The truth is that this isn't true.  

The millions of threads that held two hearts together are too thick to be severed completely.  

Yes, one thread is cut but the remaining ones, criss-cross and form a mighty strong connection that can never be broken.  Many threads overlapping and making knots in places where memories were made.

We can tug and pull but it cannot be untangled.  The threads are entwined in a mess  and will forever be part of who we are.