Remembering Mom Myra

Image from Pinterest

There really was so much going on after mom was discharged from a two-week stay in hospital.  She had about one good week and then a sudden downward trajectory for about three weeks before she eventually succumbed to her comorbidities.  

Stephen and I were with her everyday.  She was in and out of wakefulness until the last few days.  When she was alert, she always said she was fine or that she was okay.  At that time, it was difficult watching her drift in and out of consciousness but now looking back it didn't seem so.  For her and for us, the days just folded between each other and there wasn't really time to think about anything.  Emotionally, it was draining but also was uplifting in many different ways.

I don't know if I will ever be able to encapsulate all that we felt with her and for her.  

At the wake and funeral, I do remember that many people thanked me for looking after her.  I didn't really feel that I did that.  But I did look out for her when she wasn't able to speak.  I did always tell her that I loved her.  I did always show her that I loved her.  If that is what looking after her meant, then yes, I guess I did look after her.  

What I will remember most about that day was how peacefully she left this world.  Just seconds before she took her last breath, she lifted her left hand ever so gently almost as if to say goodbye or maybe to reach out to the angels who were coming to take her to heaven.  Mom had not been moving at all for three days so this was quite unexpected. It was almost beautiful if it wasn't so final.  Stephen and I were on either side of her bed, and we didn't know it then but that was the moment she just quietly slipped away.

The nurses came to check and to confirm that she was gone. 

We expected it but still it was unexpected.  This closes the chapter of her story in our lives.  

Mom's final resting place is in a tranquil and serene part of Singapore.  This image gives me a lovely and loving closure to the last six years of the time spent with her. 

Picture taken by Stephen

Rules are made to be broken.

These days I keep reminding myself that I should do what I feel like doing.  Mostly I spend my days reading, watching TV, replying mails, browsing online, and chatting with good people on whatsapp.  

Since over a month ago, I've started exercising which is breaking a rule of my own since I don't much like physical activity.  But it's been good since Stephen bought me a Fitbit and I can track my progress.  And I have done pretty well since then!  Slowly but surely I am building up my stamina.

I used to follow a regimen of doing my duty but what exactly is that!  My sense of duty stems from a whole life of hearing that we must do what we are supposed to do.  I never realised how strongly this became my inner voice until I retired.  And even then, the influence of this indoctrination ran deep because to rid myself of it, I had to make a conscious effort to decide otherwise.  

Often, I would put others first and later feel like I had short-changed myself.  And even if people say, "you'll feel good", it wears off pretty quickly.  I know.  I've been there.

Now I have learnt to relax more and just do what suits my mood best.  

When Stephen is not at work, we do what we like because there are no rules and regulations.  We like to keep it that way.  We live according to each other's needs and wants and the rest can take a number and wait! Sounds cold but in the end, we are the ones who will matter and not anybody else.  

I learn as I grow older. And I'm still learning. 

No big deal

Image from Pinterest

Just a few years ago, I still used to feel bad about things and people and stuff.  My conscience always worked overtime and I am sure that, too often, I wasted energy just thinking about people or events that really didn't deserve a second of my time.

Somehow, being retired and having more time on my hands to do all that I like to do, which isn't much since I live a very simple life, I have found that I seldom feel bad now.  To be more accurate, I feel less bad about failing to live up to people's expectations.  There's very little interaction with others and so less chance of me hearing about what I should or shouldn't do.

I know that sometimes I still do what I think measures up to being a decent human being but, day by day, I am learning to just be.

When I saw this image, I thought it was great because there are many moments now that I actually feel like this.  I no longer feel bad about something I used to feel bad about.

This is just something for me to save here so I can be reminded of how far I have come.  Of course, I didn't do it alone.  Along the way, many good people have told me and urged me to be happy and not to worry too much.  I'm thankful for them and it seems to be paying off.

In a nutshell, I either deal with it or it's no big deal.  

Small details

Image from Pinterest

There are thousands of small details in my life that just fills my heart up.  Just simple things that Stephen does to make me happy.  Things like

- putting off my alarm so I can sleep on

- sitting in the park watching me exercise

- making my morning coffee because, well, he brews!

- praying over me when I'm not feeling good

- buying durians when he can't stand the smell

- giving me space when I'm watching my favourite Singaporean TV show

- checking my wallet and filling it with money

- following me to get stuff and carrying all the bags

- putting a fresh towel out for me when I'm in the shower

- queueing for my food and drinks at the kopitiams

- matching up two different slippers of mine and waiting for me to notice.

- saying he'll meet me at the curry leaves station. Private joke there.

I'll keep adding to this list because I realise that sometimes I take for granted that it's the small details in our lives that make a big difference.

When I'm older and greyer, I hope I'll come back here and see this list again.

High Five again!

Image from Instagram @legendarywriting

Sometimes I just don't have anything to write about. Then something kicks in and I have so much to say.  These days I find myself in a routine that I created for myself and I often get lost in the days which drag on to weeks.  But I do make a conscious effort to write at least once a month!

Most days, I wake up, check my phone, read some news, do my chores, have lunch and then half the day is gone.  After that I get ready to go out and by the time I'm done with the errands and whatever else I need to do, it's already evening.  While waiting or when I'm in the bus or train, I check to see if there is anything happening in the world that I missed!  Hahahaha.  

Stephen and I are news addicts.  Whenever I use the computer, I'm sure to see some news portal that he's visited, waiting for me to browse through.  We aren't alone because our friend, Jerome, is also like us and very often we meet and discuss politics, latest stories or just to "sembang" which sort of means to chat or catch up.  

Anyway, this month has been an interesting one and I seem to have the desire to write a bit more than usual.  Maybe it's because today marks five years since SFGEMS was created after I gave up on my earlier STEEST blog.  In a way, it's a nice transition from when I was living in KL and then when I moved to Singapore.  I didn't plan on that happening but somehow it marked the change in my life and the person I have become.  Whatever it is, I'm glad that I didn't give up on writing.  It's always been the best way to document my life and feelings.  It's a glimpse into "me". 

Five is the number of Grace and it's fitting that I've been in Singapore for over five years now and the day I moved here was my first high five moment of 2012. Today, this blog is also five.  Hence the high five moment again. All glory, honour and praise goes to God for all these blessings in my life.

Even if I don't have a big fan club, my blog still garners random hits from all over the world and as at today has had 96063 page views.  Not bad for five years of writing!!!  Does it matter to me?  Not really because I write for me and maybe my future grandkids (hee hee).  I've said it before and I'll say it again and again because when I can no longer do this, I can come back to re-read and relive some of these happy or sad moments.  It'll challenge me to remember things that I may forget some five or ten years from now.  Will I even be alive then? That I do not know, but my blog will live on in the blogosphere forever!  

FitFlops, Fitbit and Fitter

Image from Pinterest

On 6 July, I finally convinced myself that I needed to take better care of my health.  I've always had the notion that I am not as fit as I should be but that's only because I keep comparing myself to Stephen. He's super fit and has tons of stamina.  According to what I know, he has the heart rate of an athlete and I've always felt intimidated by the thought that I'd never reach his standard.

Then I decided that I would just improve my own standard. *ting* Light bulb moment there. I've been pleasantly surprised to find that my resting heart rate is actually very good and according to the cardio fitness for women my age, I'm in the VERY GOOD - EXCELLENT range after about a week.  

I know I won't see immediate physical results but now that I'm tracking my calorie intake and what I burn, I can be more mindful of what junk I eat and if it is worth the effort indulging in sinful snacks, after the exercise.  

So far I find that my diet is okay but previously I hadn't burnt enough calories daily and so over the last few years, I have put on weight.  A kind friend has said that I have no stress now so that accounts for my weight gain.  It's true.  Work was enjoyable but sometimes it was very stressful and I wouldn't want to go back to that again.  Another said that my metabolic rate is slower and again that's true.

Losing weight is not for the indisciplined.  All my life, I've said that I don't have the discipline to diet and I'm right.  I don't eat much but I enjoy what I eat.  So giving up what little food that I like, makes no sense to me.

But now I realise that I do have the discipline to exercise so that can be the balancing factor between being in the healthy or unhealthy weight range. So far I've been doing well and I can see that if I put in a bit more effort then the calories burnt can far outweight the calories I eat.  This puts a different perspective on how I used to see my weight gain.  It also pushes me to do just that little bit more each day.

Will I look different by Christmas?  Let's see if Stephen's investment in the FitFlops, Fitbit and Fitterme works!  

Image from Pinterest

If it rains....

If it rains, stay home.  Good advice or not? 

Today it rained quite heavily.  So I'm home trying to rest and do what I feel like doing.  

There are people who have expectations of where we should be or what we have to be doing and that puts pressure on how we believe life should be lived.  Then there are the ones who are joyful when they see you and never fail to say, "go back and rest" or "don't worry about me, I'm fine".

It amazes me each and every time that people can be so caring and giving.  Caring because they are more concerned for others and giving in the sense that no matter how precious time spent together is, that time is not taken for granted.

I'm impressed that my mom-in-law who is in a nursing home and who enjoys a visit from people would often say,  "If it rains, don't come".  "Stay home and relax", she'll add.

She doesn't remember many people now and sometimes she can't even recall who is dead or alive anymore.  Her eyesight and hearing makes it hard for her to manage simple conversations yet she still makes every effort to interact.  

There is quiet dignity and courage behind the wrinkles and platinum white hair.  It's a trait that I admire very much. 

So I'm home but I'm thinking of her and wondering if she even remembers telling us not to go if it rains.  

The good life

image from WWW

I had an intense week.  

Monday was for helping someone out and the customary visit to MIL.

Tuesday was my birthday and Stephen took me out for the whole day.  It was like a whirlwind of feeding my senses.  Food at a place that I spoke to him about, a movie of my choice, a quiet tea and ending all that with what has become a yearly ritual of Swensen's dinner and the usual ice-cream shared.  

Wednesday was for the regular visit to MIL and giving her a pedicure!

Thursday was for taking a random bus ride with Stephen.  We just choose a number and look for the route and take a joy ride.  This time it was for  Bus 111 which starts and ends at Ghim Moh Terminal.  It was a relaxing and fun outing.

Friday was for house chores as the fogging of the rubbish chute was scheduled.  This always means extra work for me.

Saturday was to catch up on my own stuff and later meeting Stephen at Toa Payoh Central for dinner and grocery shopping.

And today when I am thinking of a particular life and love that I lost so long ago, I'm also choosing to remember that I have found a new life and love.  Rumi was right, what we lose comes around in another form.

Stephen hardly gives me time to feel alone or lonely.  It's what he does without thinking.  His energy is more than enough for the two of us.  I am blessed.  

Who'd think that retirement would not change the pace of life? Okay, I'm stretching that a bit. I just meant that each day is filled with so much for those who value time.

High Five

Image from WWW

I could almost forget that I have been living in Singapore for the last five years.  It seems like I've lived here forever.  I still don't know every nook and cranny and I also have yet to do everything that I had wanted to do.  But it has been an adventure being here with Stephen, my Singaporean tour guide. 

Taking a random bus ride with him will bring stories of landmark buildings.  We have started many days with a fixed plan and then suddenly, we're hopping on the first bus that comes along to see where it takes us.  For me, it's still a touristic thing.  Buses ply routes that the trains don't and I can peek into the other lesser known places of Singapore.  

Life here is peaceful but full.  There isn't a day that goes by when I don't clasp my hands in prayer for the fact that I am here now.  I don't know for sure if I will always be here.  Maybe it's not knowing anything now that makes it exciting.  I would like to think that I would manage well wherever life takes me.  I didn't use to think so but now I'm convinced that I would be fine.

These days we no longer feel lonely when people are just a click away with an internet connection.  Friends reach out and family stay in touch without thinking about it.  It's become the norm.

This year, my to-do list is to walk across the Henderson Wave Bridge.  I think that I've put it off long enough and when the weather is great, we'll suddenly find ourselves there.  Hopefully it will be in the evening so we can soak in the awesome views and sunset.  

In my early twenties, I used to think that my life was so routine and that I could give an arm and leg for some excitement.  Now in my late fifties, I no longer look for that excitement because it now dawns on me that what fills my life is being loved.  That's my fuel and if I am honest with myself, I am truly contented.

Image from Pinterest

Penultimate Monday of January 2017

Oh well, my resolution to write more hasn't yet kicked in.  That's what happens when real life takes a front seat and the virtual life is given the back seat.  

Anyway, as I mentioned in my last post, I was going to share some photos about "taking our love to a higher level."

We were at the Swissotel-The Stamford on the 58th floor, where our room was; and on the 60th floor (executive lounge) where we had breakfast and cocktails.  Oh, so nice to look through these photos!

image from www

Upon entering the elevator, it's impressive to see all the levels.

On arrival to the room, we were swept away by this gorgeous view.  I'm admiring my husband who is admiring the panoramic Marina Bay Sands Hotel

A full view of what it looks like, with our nose pressed to the window!

And he takes a seat to look at me because I'm filled with excitement

 Something pretty around the spa area

One of the many lift lobby levels

Our lift lobby at level 58 

We had our breakfast and evening cocktails at

the Executive Club on the 60th floor 

Just pink guava juice for me 

The real definition of resting and relaxing.

I'm waiting for night and the lights to come on. 

 I am not disappointed.  It's known as a concrete jungle

but still a very pretty one. 

And the morning that we checked out, there was another spectacular view. A nice and fitting way to end our short staycation.

We plan to repeat this, one day, soon.  

Carefree and car-free!

I saw this huge banner outside the NEX Mall recently. I guess it's to encourage people to take public transport. It caught my eye because it's catchy and does epitomise my life here in Singapore.

I suppose it only means much more to people who once drove daily. When I look back on how many hours I spent behind the wheel of a car, it boggles the mind. 

Since moving away from the hustle and bustle of KL living and into the concrete jungle of Singapore, I haven't really felt a sense of inconvenience without a car.  I thought I would and maybe I did have some fleeting moments of "I need a car" when I first arrived but now after nearly five years I don't even think about it.  I've adapted well.

Even when I am back in KL, I hardly ever drive now.  I do when I have to but usually my son or daughter-in-law takes the wheel. I used to not like being a passenger before.  I always wanted to be the driver.  But they are both excellent drivers and I've learnt to take the back seat.  I can place my trust in them.  I don't say this lightly because there are many horrible drivers around.  Also I pride myself on being a rather good one and when I let someone drive me around, it's not just for convenience but also because I have faith in their driving skills.

Sometime over the last few years I had developed a new sense of being carefree and car-free.  This has to do with getting used to moving around via trains, buses and/or taxis.  I've yet to use uber but I just registered.  :)

It's a good advertisement!  I like it.  It suits me.  It works for me. 

Go crazy

Image from WWW

There really aren't many things that I could go crazy about nowadays.  I'm sure when I was young I was the opposite but that's what makes for moments when our soul smiles quietly in remembering.

I lead a rather boring life as compared to those around me.  I don't do anything out of the ordinary.  But when I feel like doing something crazy, there's nothing to stop me.  In fact, there's no one either.  

Like last night I watched 15 episodes of a TV series and finished at nearly 5 am this morning.  I wasn't sleepy and it was such an interesting show.  I woke up at 8.30 am and then went back to sleep almost immediately until noon.  Mild crazy but crazy all the same.

It's nice to be able to do stuff like this without having to weigh the consequences.  Stephen applauded me when I told him why I was so sleepy.  He's my best cheerleader!

And just one moment of craziness has left me with a glow in my heart and a skip in my step.

To make things even better, the universe rewards me with an unexpected surprise this evening.  Life is so gooooooooooood!

4 years today

Image taken in 2012

What a life-changing move it was when I left Malaysia to live in Singapore!!!

It's been a great 4 years.  Ups and downs no doubt but like the image shows, it's beautiful whichever way it flows.

The most important lesson I've learnt is that I don't need anyone to make me happy.  I know how to be happy on my own.  It's a bonus that I have a family to share my life with but I realise that I can be happy just as easily by myself.  

I'm sometimes alone. Stephen is at work and the kids are in Malaysia but I am always able to fill my hours with things to do.  I still reluctantly go to bed at nights.  But I know I need to sleep. :)

As Stephen likes to say, "I'm sometimes alone but never lonely".  

~ ~ ~ 

The leap of faith

Image from Twitter

I almost cannot believe that I have been in retirement for FOUR years now.  It seems like I've taken to this new life like a "fish to water". That's lame but the best description that I can think of. Hahahahahaha.  

Also, I almost cannot remember what it's like to be working in an office. 

My "office" now is wherever my laptop is placed at home so it's either on the dining table or on my lap (pun intended) in front of the TV!  

The leap year used to brings memories of the Olympic Games and the Presidential Elections.  That's how diverse my interests are! Stephen and I share a common ground in our interest with some major world events and we enjoy talking about it over breakfast/lunch/dinner and sometimes supper.  But now the leap year has also become synonymous with my retirement.

I woke up yesterday to tell Stephen that we must celebrate today.  I said I want to have lobster for dinner.  He knows I'm full of plans and no action.  Just being able to say it is enough to make me happy.

The leap of faith was also a leap into faith.  It was when I found a meaningful relationship with God.  It has made such a big difference to my life.

So this 29 February 2016, I'm saying a special prayer for all the people who are special to me.  It's a way of giving back (behind the scenes) without fanfare. 

Most of all I'm thankful to Stephen, Jared and Gwen who have been my pillars of support and encouragement.  The countless other family and friends along the way have been the icing on the cake: always delicious and so enjoyable. 

Be blessed.  Stay blessed.  Shalom!

I wish...

Image picked from Twitter

Valentine's Day has come and gone.  There were so many wishes from family and friends that I was overwhelmed.  

For me, it's an over-rated event but I just love spreading the love.  I wasn't alone.  Some sent more than one wish and it was like a competition to see who sent the best image.  At the end of the day, I just couldn't choose which was my favourite.  I loved them all.

Stephen was working so it was a quiet day for us until he came home. 

How did we spend the evening?  We went to church!

It's one of the things we love doing together.  Sometimes he will say something meant only for me and which no one else would understand.  I'm sure many couples have their secret codes between them.

Loking back on our years together, I think that hearing him say "I wish I knew you earlier" has to be the most touching.  I've always made light of the moments when he says this but really it speaks so much about his love for me.

As another Valentine's Day has come and gone, I'm counting my lucky stars again.  

I wish.....

                   for many, many more years together. 

The reason for the season

Image from Twitter

While I'm busy during this season with retail therapy and all things commercial, I'm always mindful that the true spirit is found in knowing that Jesus is the reason for this celebration.

I'm done with whatever I want to do at home unless I buy something that catches my eye but that is unlikely because that money can be put to better use.  

Today I will just consolidate all the recipes and choose the easiest cookies to make.  Some friends have shared their family secrets and other generous people have put it up on Pinterest so I am really quite spoilt for choice.  

I'm feeling mightily blessed for the life I lead.  Sometimes I forget to give glory to the One above.  But right now, some nice Christian songs are playing and I am slowly getting charged up to seize the moments of happiness.

Happy Sunday everyone!   S M I L E !   Jesus loves you, too.

Another note to self

Image from Pinterest

Woke up while it was still dark so I could see Stephen off to work. Checked my whatsapp messages because some of my family and friends wake up at the crack of dawn and they usually drop me a wish or two.  It's always heartwarming to wake up to such positivity.

Went back to sleep until about 9.30 am and stayed in bed till 10ish. Okay, I sense raised eyebrows now! Hahahahahahahaha!  But this isn't how it is everyday.  Most days I have an agenda and I stick to it but once in a while a moment appears and I just allow it to envelop me.  

With coffee in hand, I do a quick check of emails and find one that I want to reply to because the person is important to me.  It's always a treat to read and dissect each other's words but with no judgement; only love, support and encouragement for one another. Such are the types of connections we should look for when we are older and not the ones that sow seeds of discontent and hatred.

It has been raining for a while now.  Thunder was in the distance and the beat of the rain on the awning was slightly deafening. Soft Christmas carols are playing in the background and I feel a strong sense of peace and happiness.

Not everything is perfect in my world.  No one has a perfect life but as I always like to think, it is far from imperfect.  

While I was replying, one load of clothes was washed and dried and I'm feeling that the quiet moment was time well-spent. Whatsapp messages came in and went out, between the email reply and I think I've made some people smile, feel better about themselves and helped them along their day.

I managed to rethink some of the old stories while replying an email and I realise how far I have moved on.  The stories have a lesser hold on me and who I am now.  In some way, it's just a moment but how those moments have added up to making a nice few hours by myself, my coffee and my thoughts. 

Shalom! 

Lucky and carefree?

These days I find that I am quite easily contented with little. Maybe it has to do with wanting less from people and also from life.  

I also know that choices have something to do with this new attitude and philosophy.  I practise being good to me and it's becoming a nice habit.  

If the world views this as being lucky and carefree then I agree.  It's a blessing, indeed.

This thing I do...

Image picked from Facebook

Since April this year, I've had a change of lifestyle.  I somehow slipped into it without feeling or noticing that it was actually something sudden.

Perhaps it was best that I hadn't realised it because this meant that I didn't waste time analysing the whys and wherefores.  I just had to do it and I did.  

I'm sure it's the right thing to do but I wonder if it's a hard thing to do.  Some people think so and that's why this crossed my mind.

I don't think I've been unhappy.  In fact, I believe that I'm happier. Being of value to someone and making a difference, no matter how insignificant it may seem, can subconsciously add to one's self-esteem.

The right thing and the hard thing when done with love and a positive attitude can produce good vibes.

When ability meets with availability, everything is easy to do.

So this thing I do, works in a good way for me.

She's 79 today

 

My mom-in-law is 79 today.

I have asked her if she wanted to go out to celebrate but she was not interested. All she wanted is chee cheong fun.  Her simple request made me think a lot about people who want so many things. To me, it's such a practical and down-to-earth thing to ask for.

I've learnt that when one gets older, one doesn't really need much to be happy.  A birthday doesn't bring a long list of requests for this or that.

We did celebrate with a birthday balloon and cake.  But even as she was glad for all those things, she asked, "where's my chee cheong fun?".  That's typical of her, always direct, practical and straightforward!!!!

I hope when I'm 79 I'll also have so few needs or wants and that a simple meal will be enough to cheer me up.

After singing and eating, I asked what her wish is for today and she replied, "Long life".

May she remain well all the days of her life. 
In Jesus' name I pray. 
Amen.