Why I still blog

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When someone dies, a whole load of history goes along with them.  We no longer have a way to get that information.  I do feel this because I have questions, about some things, and no one with the answers.

I was trying to do a family tree for my granddaughter, and I couldn't fill in all the blanks. The people who would know the details couldn't remember or have already died. 

So, I blog because I reckon that someday, my child or my grandchild (or even my great grandchild!) may be curious like me.  Maybe I will have answered some questions they didn't even think about.  Or maybe I just want to leave these posts for fun!  Either way, it will serve some purpose after I am dead. 

In any case, this is just the secondary reason.  The primary reason is that I like to put my thoughts down in words.  This alone makes it worth my while!

This space, if it still exists in the future, will be a great place to take a trip down memory lane.  I share a lot about my feelings, special events, cherished loved ones, and even inconsequential stuff.  I don't know if I will always be articulate or lucid.  Hence, long after I am gone, they will be able to browse through the labels and look for something they are curious about!  Perhaps it will give an insight into who I am (or was). 

19 December

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Today is my grandfather's birthday and I have awesome memories of him because he always showed so much love for me.  He would have been 114 years old!  As Christmas day draws near. I cannot help but think of him and all the other precious ones who have gone before us.  They live in our hearts and minds because they are unforgettable.

I remind myself to be grateful for the ones who are still around and doubly glad that we can spend Christmas 2023 all together once again.

Image from Pinterest

 

I miss them all.

 

Remembering all those we once loved

and who have gone on before us.

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Five is enough!

Image from WWW

My immediate family nucleus is small.  There are just five of us: four adults and one baby. 

There are only just, literally, a handful of us and we are immensely blessed to be able to connect daily and to have conversations about what goes on in each other's lives.

Truly it is a little world with only five citizens!  It is also a private world.  Ever since I left Facebook, I hardly know what's going on with other people and I suppose the same applies that they don't know what is going on with me.  In a way, it is a nice change from what it was before.

I'm not completely cut off from everyone because I use whatsapp but it's less intrusive.

Those that stay in touch, get information and/or pictures that are new.  Somehow it seems to be a more intimate setting; to selectively share details rather than publishing for all and sundry to view.  I used to feel that the more I showed or shared, the better but not anymore.

My family is truly a little world created, and also filled, with love.  Sometimes I am so happy that I need to pinch myself.

I thank my God for everything. 

A hattrick for March 2019

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Goal 1 ~ First time that I had lived in a hotel for two weeks; fourteen days of almost doing nothing!  Bliss!

Goal 2 ~ First time I touched sixty years of age.  Yes!  Six decades on this planet earth.  It was nice to have celebrated my birthday in beautiful Kota Kinabalu, Sabah

Goal 3 ~ First time becoming a grandmother and welcoming the arrival of our grand-daughter, Cayla Gail Cheow.  Stephen and I are overwhelmed by everything about her.

I told Jared and Gwen that this is the best gift ever: a gift that will keep growing and growing.  

Image from WWW

We had breakfast with this view nearly every day.  Except for the morning of the day that Cayla Gail was born.  She is more important than food!!!

I do miss it.  I also miss the buffet spread even if I'm not a breakfast person.  I did enjoy the wide selection of local and western delights and being spoilt for choice with fruits and breads galore.  

And after breakfast, we usually return to the room and I always choose to sit by the window to enjoy the view and just feel thankful for all the blessings in my life.  I would usually read a bit while Stephen would wander off to the sauna or gym.  

I took this picture. 

For my birthday dinner, Stephen took me to the Club Lounge.  Just us, because I'm not a party person and I like things quiet and simple.

We chose to sit by the window looking at the setting sun.  This was a moment of bliss for me.  As I took in all the ups and downs in my life, I could see that it has led me to this particular place in time.  I am feeling contented with all who are around me and with me.

There weren't many people, at any one time but it made the ambience quiet and romantic!  I would like to go back again with the children.  The setting is so elegant and the food was absolutely delicious.

While not a drinker by any stretch of the imagination, I did indulge in this Singapore Sling.  I had never ever tried it even after living in Singapore for over 7 years now.  I decided that I like it very much and had two!  Heck!  I'm sixty only once!

And then, stepping out on the balcony, we had this magnificent and glorious sunset for an unforgettable and fitting close to my celebration of 60 years of living.   

I took this picture.  God's masterpiece.

At the end of any day or year or milestone, we need to reflect on all that is good in our lives.  We also need to be thankful to the people who love us, unconditionally.  

Thank you to God for an absobloominglutely unforgettable celebration of love and life.  I am so blessed.  I am so very blessed.

Guess what?  We're going back to KK again, soon!!

Remembering Mom Myra

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There really was so much going on after mom was discharged from a two-week stay in hospital.  She had about one good week and then a sudden downward trajectory for about three weeks before she eventually succumbed to her comorbidities.  

Stephen and I were with her everyday.  She was in and out of wakefulness until the last few days.  When she was alert, she always said she was fine or that she was okay.  At that time, it was difficult watching her drift in and out of consciousness but now looking back it didn't seem so.  For her and for us, the days just folded between each other and there wasn't really time to think about anything.  Emotionally, it was draining but also was uplifting in many different ways.

I don't know if I will ever be able to encapsulate all that we felt with her and for her.  

At the wake and funeral, I do remember that many people thanked me for looking after her.  I didn't really feel that I did that.  But I did look out for her when she wasn't able to speak.  I did always tell her that I loved her.  I did always show her that I loved her.  If that is what looking after her meant, then yes, I guess I did look after her.  

What I will remember most about that day was how peacefully she left this world.  Just seconds before she took her last breath, she lifted her left hand ever so gently almost as if to say goodbye or maybe to reach out to the angels who were coming to take her to heaven.  Mom had not been moving at all for three days so this was quite unexpected. It was almost beautiful if it wasn't so final.  Stephen and I were on either side of her bed, and we didn't know it then but that was the moment she just quietly slipped away.

The nurses came to check and to confirm that she was gone. 

We expected it but still it was unexpected.  This closes the chapter of her story in our lives.  

Mom's final resting place is in a tranquil and serene part of Singapore.  This image gives me a lovely and loving closure to the last six years of the time spent with her. 

Picture taken by Stephen

6 years ago

Image from Instagram

A year can change you a lot.  So imagine what six years can do.

When I first moved to Singapore, I had envisioned my life to fall into a certain pattern and never would I ever have imagined that it would turn out so different from what I had predicted or projected for myself.

My goals then were to read more, spend time in museums and libraries, watch movies and tv, sleep in, sleep late, visit all the malls, blog more, exercise, cook, bake, and even do some charity work.  I think I had done some of this in my first year but after all that, there was always still a lot of time on my hands.  

Although I left Facebook, I found Twitter and Instagram to be a nice outlet to get news, beautiful images and ideas. But even then, there was always still a lot of time on my hands.

Then I noticed a niche that no one else could fill and, unconsciously, I gravitated towards it.  I found out that caregiving was something that I could also do.  Caregiving not in the sense that I had someone at home to look after for 24 hours but someone who I visited as often as I could.  Giving care  or giving a care would be more accurate.

With this newfound path, I decided to give it more attention.  I read up on geriatrics, diseases, palliative care and whatever else I thought would help.  It gave me purpose and made me feel useful.

There was a time when I went to the nursing home everyday and, for a short period, twice a day when it was needed.  When I look back, I marvel at how I did all that.  It would never have crossed my mind, or that of my own family and friends who know me, that I would have the patience and kindness to see to the well-being of an ailing member of my husband's family.  Yet it seems that God's Grace is truly sufficient and I ended up doing what was least expected of me.

It has not always been easy to take charge of and oversee the responsibility that comes with old people but I have the best partner in the world. He always gives me unconditional support and encouragement.  Without him, I wouldn't have been able to do this at all.

Stephen gives me the space to make some decisions and allows me complete freedom to act independently when he is at work.  His confidence in me makes it easier to do what needs to be done.  He's the general and I'm the soldier carrying out my duties.  It works.

Six years ago, I would not have thought it possible that I had,  in me, the fortitude and strength to journey down the road that I have travelled.  

All along, I always thought I was helping someone else but in the process, I was helping myself.  I grew to understand more about life and I have a deeper knowledge of what it means to be there for others whenever we can.  There is no greater personal growth than when we rise above our own circumstances and help someone else.

I have learnt so much and for this I am thankful for all that I've become and still becoming.

I give myself a pat on my back for making my time here count for something.  I think it's called serendipity.  

Side note:  I've always wanted to use that word.  It means the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way.

Family matters

Image from WWW Credit to TheQuotes Kingdom

It's really a sweet reminder that family matters is what matters most to me.  Also that when something happens, it's good to have the right people in your life for support and encouragement.  

You can be anywhere in the world and if you are with the people that really matter then you can face anything that happens.

All is well that ends well.  

The leap of faith

Image from Twitter

I almost cannot believe that I have been in retirement for FOUR years now.  It seems like I've taken to this new life like a "fish to water". That's lame but the best description that I can think of. Hahahahahaha.  

Also, I almost cannot remember what it's like to be working in an office. 

My "office" now is wherever my laptop is placed at home so it's either on the dining table or on my lap (pun intended) in front of the TV!  

The leap year used to brings memories of the Olympic Games and the Presidential Elections.  That's how diverse my interests are! Stephen and I share a common ground in our interest with some major world events and we enjoy talking about it over breakfast/lunch/dinner and sometimes supper.  But now the leap year has also become synonymous with my retirement.

I woke up yesterday to tell Stephen that we must celebrate today.  I said I want to have lobster for dinner.  He knows I'm full of plans and no action.  Just being able to say it is enough to make me happy.

The leap of faith was also a leap into faith.  It was when I found a meaningful relationship with God.  It has made such a big difference to my life.

So this 29 February 2016, I'm saying a special prayer for all the people who are special to me.  It's a way of giving back (behind the scenes) without fanfare. 

Most of all I'm thankful to Stephen, Jared and Gwen who have been my pillars of support and encouragement.  The countless other family and friends along the way have been the icing on the cake: always delicious and so enjoyable. 

Be blessed.  Stay blessed.  Shalom!

Christmas: our blessings

Image from Pinterest

We're still very much in the Christmas mode.  The children have gone back to KL but their love, for each other and for us, hovers like an aura of positive vibrations. 

Today, they celebrate one month of wedded life.  In some way, with the addition of GG, our family has grown.  Like a missing piece to a puzzle in our lives, she fits so well!

Our joy is to watch them live life and to see them experience all that this world has to give.

Our blessing has doubled.  JJ and GG fill our hearts, our thoughts and our daily lives in a way that they will never understand until they have one of their own.  Only then will they catch a glimpse of how much we love them.

Tony Soliano Snr

It's not strange that my father had a huge impact on my life, whether he knew it or not and also whether I realised it then or now.

There are many moments, I replay in my mind, of just the two of us when no one else was at home.  Private and precious conversations that are mine.  I also hear the comments in my head, of people repeating what he had said to them about me. It all makes me smile.

I miss him.  I miss him in a very nice way.  

Countdown: 29 days to Christmas

Less than a month to Christmas and I'm thinking of family and friends.  The people who keep you in their hearts and minds and who never give up on you.

These last two and a half years have been wonderful! 

I have made some new friends, caught up with old ones and reconnected with some family members (without Facebook, I should add). Sometimes the old-fashioned way works better   

Countdown: 43 days to Christmas.

Image from Pinterest

The moment we become parents, the joy of Christmas is magnified exponentially.

There's something about having a child to give the spirit of giving a whole different meaning.

Cute image from Pinterest

Memories

I'm sure the memories we, baby boomers (1946 to 1964), have of our childhood are so different from the millenials.  The millenials are made up of those belonging to Generation X (1965 to 1979) and to Generation Y (1980 to 1994). The years vary slightly with different studies but millenials are, generally speaking, the children of baby boomers.  Our son and his fiance are Generation Y babies! 

Stephen probably has many memories of dirt roads because he lived in a "kampung". The rain was his toy and the nearby cemetery was his playground.  He said there was a cow farm nearby and that was a favourite place to pass his time.  

On my side, I remember browsing through rubber estates and running around bare-footed. I can reminisce about chasing butterflies, catching tadpoles and playing outside until the sun went down. 

Yet memories aren't always made from some old dirt road!  Sometimes they are made in a concrete jungle while cycling, between midnight to three am, around Singapore's famous Orchard Road when all is quiet.  

Not me, of course!  

Stephen and the kids (when Jared and GG were here for a holiday) went out a few nights to cycle while I manned the fort (translate that to staying at home). 

They explored Singapore by night and this remains the highlight of their cycling adventure, at least, until the next episode when they plan to cruise along the East Coast!

Here's a video of that ride earlier this year, courtesy of GG. What a steady hand she has!!!  

This almost made me wish I was with them.  Maybe next time.  

Stephen bought us matching tee-shirts in an effort to entice me.  I think we all look great!  

Listen and learn

I may not be considered an exceptional family member or friend but I do consider myself an exceptionally good listener.  They say that most people listen with the intention to reply and I am guilty of that sometimes but I am also capable of just listening.

I used to think that I would be able to solve people's problems but I'm over that already.  I realise that people just want to talk and they are always on the lookout for an eager listener.  Even if they don't know it themselves and even if they won't admit it, they will gravitate towards the one who listens.

When I saw this image on Facebook, in my mind, I thought of the people who appreciate that I listen to them when they need to let it out.  Do they know it is an effort not to offer advice or give an opinion! Probably not, as the state they are in wouldn't allow them to think of the person listening.  They just want to get it off their chest!  

I do share a positive slant to it if I can or I give some encouragement.  Listening is a two-way street!

I think that in our subconscious mind, we search for people who we think will understand us and we are so grateful when we find that there is always someone out there who will care enough to just listen.  

And while I listen, I learn as well.  

7 Moms

On Mother’s Day, most people only talk about their biological mother.  In my case, I’m going all out to boast that I have a mother for each day of the week.  Yup, it’s true. I have SEVEN of them!

Of course, there’s my mom.

Since my parents are divorced,  I have a step mom.

I was a widow and now remarried so I have two mothers-in-law.

Then I found out, I have a step-mother-in-law.

If all that isn’t enough, I also have 2 godmothers.

All of them have completely different personalities. The only similarity is that all of them are great cooks.  I guess in their time, it was a necessity and they honed that skill to perfection.  They look after the home and hearth, without fuss or fanfare.  They love without any expectations.  They are my moms and I am blessed.

Today being Mother’s Day, I want to highlight the best quality in each of them.

Mom Virginia - Her best quality is her quiet, gentle strength.  She takes everything in stride and gives without any reservation.  I have watched her struggle without complaining.  It has been a challenge for me to match her courage in the face of adversity.  She is an amazing woman.

Stepmom Julie - She loves with every fiber of her being.  It took me a bit of time to accept her but once I did, she became “Mama”, in every sense of the word. She has intuition and will pick up the slack if she notices you need something.  She is an amazing woman.

Mom-in-law Rose - I learnt many things from her strong sense of duty towards every member of the family.  She gave me wings to fly when I needed it. She stood by me for so many decisions I made.  She is an amazing woman.

Mom-in-law Myra – Generosity is her middle name. I don’t know of anybody kinder and more giving than her.  She will not take more than she needs.  She will give her last dollar if you ask her for it.  In this, she is selfless.  She is an amazing woman.

Stepmom-in-law Ibu – Stephen and I call her Ibu Darling.  She is soft-spoken and sweetness personified.  From the first moment that I met her, I loved her.  I know she loves us more, and without any reservations.  She is an amazing woman.

Godmother Corazon – I am the daughter she never had.  She’s the one who pampered and spoilt me.  She understood my first heartbreak.  She never asked questions when I didn't have answers.  My teenage years were easier because of her.  She is an amazing woman. She died this year and I miss her very much.

Godmother Cathy – The most elegant woman I know.  She is always prim and proper.  Though we’d not been in touch for years, when she came back to Malaysia, we just picked up where we last left off.  She is an amazing woman.

So there you have it!  7 amazing women in my life.

Amazing women become amazing mothers.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Only when I became a mom, I found out that I could truly and deeply love another human being more than myself. 

Happy Mother’s Day to me and to all of them!!!!!

~~~~~
Originally posted on STEEST but the images got lost so this is a re-post for Mother's Day 2014.

The dead have no voice

When people die, we make up stories in our head so that we can feel better. They can no longer argue or deny or accept what we say about them.  They are unable to speak out even if they disagree.

Many prefer to believe that they go to heaven. I've been told that everyone I've known, who has died, has gone to heaven. No one will say otherwise. It becomes sacrilegious to even speak ill of them. My aunt was not a saint nor was she a sinner.  Judgement is not for me or anyone to make. 

I guess it is part of the healing process.  We want to feel good so we only hold on to the nicer aspects because it seems to make no sense to think of the uglier things.  We change our perception of them only because it makes it easier on us.

I can only go by on what I felt or more importantly how she made me feel.   I always felt loved.

When I left Malaysia, many people said they would miss me. However, she was the only one who never failed to say so.  She never ever stopped telling me that she felt sad I was so far away, that she felt a void and missed me terribly but also always assuring me that she was happy for me. She didn't ever hide the fact that she missed me.  This always left me with mixed feelings.  

When she died, I didn't just lose someone I loved.  I lost someone who loved me deeply and who wasn't afraid or ashamed to tell me.

May her soul rest in peace forever more.

I still love you, I feel a void now, I miss you and I hope you are happy. 

“Only in quiet waters do things mirror themselves undistorted. Only in a quiet mind is adequate perception of the world.”

― Hans Margolius

Nursing Home ~ What I know!

Image from FB

These last two years, I have found myself spending more time with people in a Nursing Home.  Most of the patients know me by sight and some of them greet me with a wave or smile.  

The one who is next to my MiLaw (MIL) is special because she will show me a thumbs up and I do the same.  It doesn't end there, we touch thumbs and then we give it a slight twist.  It never fails to make her smile.  Well, it makes me smile, too.  How did we start this?  I don't know.  One day we just did it and that's how we usually greet each other now.

Old people love to talk.  Most of them will repeat the same stories.  It's strange that they can tell the same story to the same person over and over again.  There must be something in the brain that prevents them from remembering who they have told it to.  

I find that old people do not always talk about their loves or regrets. I think that they replay certain instances of their lives and alter their role to suit their conscience.  I am just curious that there is this need to do so.

I have found that,  as they share their thoughts (real or unreal), the mere action of speaking them out to someone and repeating them often makes for these thoughts becoming the gospel truth. This means that these thoughts became words spoken and which then reach a level beyond further question. Then they become undisputed facts that we have to accept. To do otherwise is to invite an unwelcome and probably a heated debate.  It does take patience and a bit of ingenuity to steer the conversation down a different path.

I notice the main complaint among the people there are about the lack of visits from loved ones.  It's difficult to know the background of each patient and the reasons for why there are so few visitors. But I believe it's never about who they are or were.  It has to be about who we are and who we want to be.  

It's also part of the reason why I visit my MIL as often as I can.  Yes, I may often joke about going but I also take that responsibility seriously.

It's a balance between doing something cheerfully or doing it grudgingly.  The spirit in which we do anything must not be dismissed.  It makes for a huge difference in the vibrations we carry within us.

There are some in the Nursing Home who are unable to interact with their loved ones.  Yet I see that there is a steady stream of visitors.  I wonder if it is easier for them.  They know that nothing much can be done except to ensure the safety and comfort of who they visit.  I can understand why they continue to visit. Again, it isn't about who they are visiting.  It's about who is doing the visiting. 

Sometimes I wonder if my MIL may reach a stage when she won't know me or anybody else.  I think that just like this picture, I will feel the same way.  I will know her. And that's enough for me.

Saying goodbye

The world is reeling from the deaths of the handsome Paul Walker and, of course, the anti-apartheid icon, Nelson Mandela.

People die all the time but some deaths affect us more than others. 

If we knew the person, then we share the grief with all the other loved ones. 

If we knew of the person, then we share the loss of that life.

Some have an untimely death while others die in their old age. Some who are seemingly healthy also slip away unexpectedly.

My Aunt Lucy passed away recently.  She was unwell for a long time and her death was not really a shock as she was in and out of the hospital.  Yet hearing about her death was like a blunt force trauma to my heart.  I had not expected to be so sad when I heard the news.

It is never easy to think of a life that is over.  It's even harder looking back at the numerous chances not taken to show that I loved and cared for her.  She was a pillar of strength for me during a very difficult phase in my life.  It is obvious that she will be one of those who did something for me that I cannot ever repay.

Many times I think that eulogies are prepared with selective memories.  People choose to remember the good things because it's the right thing to do.  Often I would be shocked by my own thoughts when they clash with what I hear.  I know, I know.  It's the way it should be and we celebrate the goodness and all that. However I believe that keeping it real would be a far better legacy to the deceased.

In the case of Aunt Lucy, I sat listening  to everything her daughter said and I was conscious that I didn't have any secret thoughts of disagreement at all.  No exaggeration and no embellishment made it the best eulogy I have ever heard.

Looking back at all that travelling to and fro, of more than 1200 km, over four days, I have no regret.  It was a trip worth making.

I didn't really say goodbye to Aunt Lucy.  For me, she lives on in her five children.  They are blessed to have had such a wonderful mom.

Belated Birthday Love

Pic from FB

This was meant to go out on 20 November for Stephen.  It was his birthday but I was away attending a funeral in Perak.  

I'm only now catching up with my blog as I had been busy making memories since I returned to Singapore.  It was unplanned but it became like a gift for Stephen to have a ten-year old boy for two weeks with us.  I shall be sharing about this soon.

Anyway, while I was away and Stephen was alone, Greg, our Godson sent him this whatsapp message, which I found very touching.

Grossepa, I think it's very nice and 

very thoughtful of you to let Godma go, 

even on your birthday...  Respect...God bless you.

It's such a simple message but it speaks volumes about both of them.  The younger one recognising a gracious act of kindness while the older was showing unselfish love and compassion.

It was not easy to choose where to be but Stephen decided for me by saying that being with my family during their bereavement took precedence over everything else.  

In hindsight, he was right and it was the better decision for me to leave him alone.  At our age, everyday is a celebration and even when we aren't together, it really makes no difference to us.  

Better late than never they say, so this is my belated birthday declaration of love.