I don't know if this is true but the loss of a child is perhaps more painful than other losses because of the physical connection that was once there. You lose your parents, siblings or spouse but that pales in comparison to losing the 'human being' that was once living inside of you. I may be wrong but it's my opinion that losing a child is much like losing a physical/spiritual/emotional/tangible part of yourself.
I remember that, when I lost Douglas, many people told me to just move on and to get over it. It was difficult to know what to do or how to feel. Looking back, I have realised that it's something you go through and there really is no timetable to how long grief lasts.
For some, it's been a lifetime of miserable days and I believe it need not be that way. Some people feel that not to laugh or love again means that the loss was more profound than for someone who has learnt to do it again. This cannot be true.
I've known people who refuse to remarry because they feel it would tarnish the 'love' they have for the one who died. I don't judge. Real love never ends and it is eternal. It just exists in another realm. It will never co-incide but it runs parallel to our life.
My brother once said, "Let the dead rest in peace, and the living go on living". Those words are true today as they were, when they were said years and years ago.
The death of a loved one is never going to be something we understand or want to experience but it's inevitable. The side effect of losing someone is that it makes you emotionally stronger even when you don't realise it.
When Doug died, I did what I thought was best. I shoved grief aside and kept it in KIV for when I would be ready to deal with it. I didn't realise that it doesn't work that way. Three months down the road, I was in sitting in one of the front pews in church and the tears came and the grief just overwhelmed me. The denial and everything that I had successfully suppressed exploded in sobs. Despite the sadness, I remember being so embarrassed at the sudden outpouring and in public, too!
When Eric died, I did what everyone thought was best. I cleared his things, I dismantled his cot and kept all traces of his short life away from sight. I put them in a small suitcase and locked it up. This also didn't work. It accentuated the grief and the letting go of everything before I was ready made me feel even more depressed.
The moral of it all is that we have an inbuilt mechanism that looks after our well-being. We must listen to that quiet voice and follow its promptings.
I reconciled with losing Doug much earlier for without doing so, I would not have been able to start a new life. With losing Eric, I have taken a very long time to heal. This year, I think I am almost there. My thoughts are not so much of longing and wishing anymore. I miss him but it's how I would miss anybody else who is loved and who is not with me.
In lovin memory of Eric Joseph Cheow
Born: 1 March 1990
Died: 17 July 1992
Note: All pics taken from FB pages.
