Echoes of insight

 

Image taken from X

I realized I was getting older… but it wasn't because of the wrinkles on my face.

It wasn't the mirror that told me, nor the young man who gave up his seat for me on the bus.

It wasn't the trendy clothes I no longer understand, or the songs that sound like noise to me.

It was something more subtle. Deeper.

I noticed it when I stopped trying to convince others.

When I stopped chasing after those who walked away.

When I no longer needed to have the last word.

When I learned to let go without drama.

Aging arrived unannounced.

Without sadness, without fear.

It simply… settled in calmly.

And it brought peace with it.

I no longer expect apologies from those who don't know how to give them.

The silence of others no longer bothers me.

I understood that everyone is battling their own inner turmoil.

And whoever truly wants to speak… does so.

Today I don't seek approval.

I don't want to fit in.

I want to be at peace.

My body is no longer a source of shame.

It is my home. My story. My memory.

It has witnessed loves, losses, births, and falls.

How could I not honor it?

Now I live differently.

Without rushing. Without "shoulds."

Without guilt for choosing my well-being.

I drink my coffee hot.

I answer messages without pressure.

I walk without haste.

I listen to myself. I embrace myself. I belong to myself.

And for the first time… that's enough. 💕


Much thanks to my soul sister, Shashi Netto, for sharing this.

Why I still blog

Image from www

 

When someone dies, a whole load of history goes along with them.  We no longer have a way to get that information.  I do feel this because I have questions, about some things, and no one with the answers.

I was trying to do a family tree for my granddaughter, and I couldn't fill in all the blanks. The people who would know the details couldn't remember or have already died. 

So, I blog because I reckon that someday, my child or my grandchild (or even my great grandchild!) may be curious like me.  Maybe I will have answered some questions they didn't even think about.  Or maybe I just want to leave these posts for fun!  Either way, it will serve some purpose after I am dead. 

In any case, this is just the secondary reason.  The primary reason is that I like to put my thoughts down in words.  This alone makes it worth my while!

This space, if it still exists in the future, will be a great place to take a trip down memory lane.  I share a lot about my feelings, special events, cherished loved ones, and even inconsequential stuff.  I don't know if I will always be articulate or lucid.  Hence, long after I am gone, they will be able to browse through the labels and look for something they are curious about!  Perhaps it will give an insight into who I am (or was). 

31 December (New Year's eve)

Image from Pinterest

At the beginning of 2023, the last day of the year seemed like a lifetime away.  Now that 31st December is here, we can scroll through our digital photo albums and remember all the good times.  It is a blessing to have many moments to cherish and hold close to our hearts. What a blessed life we've had!   

Image from Pinterest

 

Of who matters

Image from Pinterest

 

I used to think that I would never leave KL.  I believed that it would be where I would spend my retirement years.  It seems that we don't really know the future and can only speculate about it.

As it turned out, I moved to Singapore upon early retirement.  It was not an easy move and more out of necessity than desire.  Somehow, it has turned out to be what would be an amazing journey of discovery about who I am!

On my way here in 2012, I was filled with trepidation as this would not only be a change of environment, it would also be a change of lifestyle.

Thankfully, I negotiated the steep learning curves and found the plateau of being contented with it all.  

I have changed so much.  This I am certain of because I no longer have the same interests.  It is much like a *before* and *after* Singapore timeline.  

Here in Singapore, life is almost constantly revolving around Stephen.  And as we age, it really doesn't matter where we are as long as we are together.  I am grateful and blessed to be in his life as he is to be in mine.  

Image from Pinterest

Faded pictures and memories

 

Image from Instagram

I am not particularly photogenic.  I almost always don't like the photos taken of me.  I don't have a fixed smile that I can automatically switch on.  In short, I can't be an actress and I don't have a poker face. 

It is amazing that so many have the same look in every photo.  Do they practise in front of the camera?  I look different in almost all my photos.  Okay, some candid ones can be explained but the ones in a group or when posing for a picture?  How do they manage to perfect the smile, the look, and the pose?

Only lately, I have begun to loosen my hang ups about ugly photos of me!  Oh yes, the kids love it and save them in their handphones.  *rolling my eyes here*

Then I realise that when I am dead and gone, it is these very photos that will make them smile.  

Good people

 Image from eli_leo_art

Over the years, I've always felt that it is fine to be around everyone no matter who they are or whatever they say because I grew up with the notion that we are able to emerge from the negativity that sometimes emanates from them.  You know, like the saying, "The lily grows out of mud, yet it is not contaminated."

I probably conveniently overlooked the other possibility that the doom and gloom can stick in our minds.  This, then, creates a slippery slope towards thinking and dwelling in the pits of despair.

Of late, I have unknowingly moved towards and stuck with the family and friends who genuinely love and want the best for me.  It has made such a difference in my life.  They generate the good vibrations for a happy environment.  

There were so many who are happiness vampires!  They suck the smiles out of one's life.  They demand time, presence, responses, and the list goes on.  You disappoint in one and that's it!  I didn't realise it was so tiring and draining.  I stopped apologising and I let it go.  Turned out to be a life-changing decision for me! 

I recommend taking a good look at who is in your midst.  

Grow and glow!

Gentle rebellion

Image from WWW

 

I've been called a rebel many times in my life.  This is why I find this such a heart-warming image and phrase. 

I've become accustomed to putting other people first.  I put it down to being a secretary and always wanting to pre-empt the needs or wants of others in the office.  I can't use that excuse anymore as I retired in 2012 and those habits should no longer be dominant.  

Anyway, this is just a great reminder to me, myself and I!

Both sides now 2.0

Image from Pinterest

I say 2.0 because I have used this title before.  Somewhere it was tucked in my memory, and I had to check before I decided to click on "publish".

People somehow tell stories based on their inflated view of themselves.  I guess it's human nature to want to be the hero or heroine of any situation.  But if you aren't the saint then shouldn't the story be less exaggerated.  

If you only did 1%, how could you possible paint yourself as having done 99%?  Yet that is how it sometimes is even when the truth is obvious.

I do check myself when I share about any experience.  I make a conscious effort not to inflate my role and true to my Asian roots, I almost always downplay what I have done.  But that's me.

And then it was ten

 Image from Pinterest

TEN YEARS is a long time. 

I retired from work on 29 February 2012 and tied up loose ends before arriving in Changi Airport on the 12 March 2012.

It is still fresh in my mind how uncertain I was to make that final leap although everything was already set in motion.  And yet, here I am ten years later.   

Oh yes, I'm not a robot who makes cold, hard decisions without thinking or feeling!  It was a bold move to give up a life I'd known for so long.  A life in my own country and a place I called home was not an easy one to leave behind.  Yet, the pull of a new chapter and to be by the side of the one person who always gives me support wasn't a totally difficult choice, either.  

When I look back now and think of my heart pounding then, I know I was just being human because this is what real people feel.  Taking chances is never easy as in a marriage, having a baby or moving away because we don't know the outcome.  We have to give it a shot and make the best out of it. 

I'm glad I hesitated.  It made me weigh the pros and cons.  What would the reward be if there were no risks?  We take the risk making that jump from what is familiar to all that is unfamiliar.  That's the challenge accepted and that's the challenge to overcome.  If I was a hundred per cent certain, then there would not be the element of winning/losing or of any change.  But a winning change makes all the difference when you reflect.  

Everyone gets dealt with a lousy hand at cards sometimes.  We face circumstances that we can embrace or we can lament the predicament and make each day miserable. We have the option to either make it through or make it work.  

I'd like to say I made it work.  Not for anyone but for me.  I did what I could for others for the most part of my life and now I'm really learning to do what I can for me.  That is the achievement. 

It hasn't always been easy but in the bigger picture, and in hindsight, I can sincerely say, on a scale of one to ten, I'd give this life a TEN.

The Unicorn

Image from Pinterest

When I was a little girl, the stories and images of unicorns always amazed me.  I wanted so much to see one, if only in my dreams.  Somehow the idea that unicorns existed, albeit only in my story books, made me believe in miracles.

Recently there was a TV series called "The Unicorn" and naturally I was curious about it.  Of course, I wasn't disappointed, it was about a widower and he was something of a unicorn because of who and how he is portrayed in the show.  I enjoyed watching the TV series.

It also made me think of my own unicorn: something (or someone) that is highly desirable but difficult to find or obtain.

Stephen is my unicorn.  Not much explanation needed.  He is the one who amazes me, makes me believe in miracles and so much more.

Often we hesitate to share how we feel for people until it is too late.  So I put this here now.  He will see it and he will feel loved and cherished.

Mauricio Soliano

I had not intended to write in my blog about my Uncle Maurice.  Recently, GG asked me if I would and I didn't have a real answer and then I forgot all about it.

Today is his birthday and I remember all the times he called me so early in the morning to wish me for my birthday.  It was his trademark.  I wasn't the only one he would call as soon as he finished his morning prayers.  So many of us know this about him.  And if we didn't pick up, he'd call again.  Maybe I should start this tradition with my own nieces and nephews!

There are so many things that makes him very special to me.  

The best one would be that when I was in Singapore in 1992 for Eric's heart operation, he did something so selfless that inspired me tremendously.  

I had spent a night in my cousin's place and, in the morning, he asked me how I would go to the Gleneagles hospital.  I told him I'd take a cab.  He told me that there was a direct bus which will stop just outside the hospital and I just nodded my head.  I wasn't in the right frame of mind to be thinking of too many things.  But when I was ready to leave, he was also all dressed up and he said he'd show me the bus station and which bus to take.  I declined as I had decided to take a cab but he was insistent.  Then when the bus arrived, he boarded the bus with me and sat by my side.  When we reached the hospital, we got down and although we didn't say much during the ride, I felt comforted by his presence.  I thought he was going to follow me into the hospital but he only wanted to accompany me on the bus.  Then he crossed the road and took another bus back to Tanglin Halt.  

At that time, I didn't really think much of it all but much later when everything began to settle in my life, I looked back and marvelled at his gesture of love and compassion, not in words but in action.  

Unknowingly, he had inspired me to do just that bit more for other people.  I haven't always been able to do it but I have always given it my best when I could.

He nagged.  Oh yes, he was famous for it!  He always had the same story of Brand's essence of chicken for me and how I should take it.  Always he would threaten that he would force me to drink it and I would laugh about it.  In return, I'd nag him about his smoking and he would laugh back. 

I think he had an anecdote with every nephew or niece.  So, we will all carry with us a small history with him.  In this way, he lives on in our minds and hearts.

He always told me that I looked like my mother.  It always made me smile.  

He used to send smses.  He used to call a lot.  Especially when covid-19 hit Singapore, he called me several times to ask me to visit and I told him I was not yet ready because I didn't want to go out unnecessarily.  He never got angry when I didn't go.  To me, this is love.  When you keep saying "no" and the person just accepts and understands.

Often, I forget that he is gone because I hadn't seen him in so long but today, I remember that he has died.  It makes me sad but I know he is now free from any earthly suffering and pain.  

I write this so I will remember if I happen to forget all this in the future.  I write this because someone might smile because they, too, have had special moments with Uncle Maurice.

In my mind, this is how he always looks. I can still hear his voice.  May he rest in peace.

Of love and miracles

There are so many unexplainable things that have happened between Stephen and me.  For example, songs long forgotten and no longer popular that we both liked when we were young and recalled when we began chatting. Then there are also the people who are mutual family members and yet our paths never once crossed during our childhood.  We hadn't the faintest idea that our future would one day collide.  We never imagined that we would be anything more than just friends.

I always like to think that somehow, we were meant to be even if we didn't set out to be together when we first met.

We were from the same yet different worlds: similar yet contrasting backgrounds; varied yet closeted exposure, diversified yet limited lifestyles, and the list goes on.  Yet, we kept moving forward and towards a life together.

When I saw this image and the words that were in it, I was enthralled as it totally encapsulates the love we have.  

This revelation was not something thunderous or mind-blowing but made possible by the tiny little things that have somehow become the very fabric of our life and love together.  

It is a miracle.

 

Lived, loved, lost and learned

Image from Instagram

I've been stuck in a sort of time warp.  After the last few years of doing basically the same thing daily, it was a challenge to get out of that routine.

Watching Netflix, reading and playing online games helped to kill time. Not even the unusually busy moments of travelling, to and fro, to see my children and grand-daughter could truly shake me out of the rut that I seemed to be in.  

For a while now, I've realised that I didn't have much to talk about because a big part of my world used to revolve around my MIL. Her illness, medications, welfare and well-being were all things that were paramount in my life.  So much so that when she died, I didn't know what else to talk about.  She was the main topic of most conversations.  She was what I knew about best.

It took me a while to make my MIL the focal point of my life.  Somehow that made it easier for me to see to her. I didn't realise that I no longer have to do that anymore.  Maybe it was my own personal way to grief.  

I seem to have been a bystander in my own life.  The arrival of a beautiful grand-daughter can now take centre stage. She has changed the family dynamics but somehow she was sharing it with a great-grandmother that she will never ever know.

I should let the past move into a corner where memories are stored. 

I should make new ones.

I should move on.

I should become the irritating grandmother with ooohs and aaahs about everything my grand-daughter does.

I should save what I can remember of Cayla's great-grandmother Myra.  When Cayla is old enough, we can tell her bedtime stories about the fond memories shared.  

Yes, that's what I can do.  Let go of the old.  Hold on to the new.  And yet bind them together.

Already August 2019

Image from Instagram

January to July of 2019 has really been filled with loads of ups and downs.  And just like that, August is here!

Out of these 211 days, I spent 74 days away!

• 19 days (13Jan-31Jan) in KL
• 14 days (10Mar-24Mar) in KK
• 3 days (9Apr-11Apr) in KL
• 6 days (15Apr-20Apr) in KK 
• 24 days (12Jun-5Jul) in KL
• 8 days (6Jul-13Jul) in KK

Just about one-third of these seven months was spent moving around.  It was such an intense time of travelling and waiting at the airport.

Will I be going to KL again?  Yes. 

Will I be going to KK again?  Yes.

And so begins the next plan for my next visit.  Sometimes life can be so unpredictable.  If you had asked me this time, last year, if I had any travel plans, I'd have laughed.

Let's see what August brings.  I'm excited and looking forward to keeping the momentum but only after I've relaxed a bit with doing nothing.

Christmas Month - Day 31 New Year's Eve

What a year this has been for us!  The good, the bad and even the ugly but it's what makes the world turn.  Also I learnt long ago that no matter what or who happens, we have to stay the course we have chosen.  We keep what's nice about life and discard what we don't need or want.

There were some sad times but we mustn't let them overwhelm us. Some surprises refreshed our faith in humanity and this is what keeps us going.  

God will never shortchange us.  This is what I believe to be true for our lives.

(Images from Pinterest)

Dead or alive

Image from Pinterest

It's odd that some people think connections are broken once a life has ended.  The truth is that this isn't true.  

The millions of threads that held two hearts together are too thick to be severed completely.  

Yes, one thread is cut but the remaining ones, criss-cross and form a mighty strong connection that can never be broken.  Many threads overlapping and making knots in places where memories were made.

We can tug and pull but it cannot be untangled.  The threads are entwined in a mess  and will forever be part of who we are.  

You know who you are!

Over time, I have written about people on my blog.  I think they deserved credit for the part they played in my life.  And even if I hadn't said anything on my blog about someone, I definitely would have told them directly via a personal call or message.

I wouldn't put it on social media and say, "Thanks to all the people who were there. You know who you are".  

It's so common to see people share a personal note of thanks and gratitude with a blanket line to "You know who you are". Well, if you do know them, why not mention them?  How many could there have been?  Even if it's a big number, why be so vague about who they are.

If you're thanking everyone present, I understand but if you're only referring to a handful then the right thing to do is to say who they are!

And strangely, it seems to be considered a nice way to convey a sentiment.  No, it's not!

If I'm thankful or grateful, I'll let you know who you are.  After all, I know who you are.  And a kind and thoughtful person sometimes doesn't even know they were doing something more than expected. That's just who they are and we should appreciate them for that.

But we can be the change and go out of our way to show them that nothing is unnoticed.  

The right thing...

Image taken from FB

We are so used to being told what to do, what to think, what to say, and what to feel.  We are bombarded with people thinking that they know better.  Many do believe that they have a right to call the shots but the reality is that it is never a privilege to be in a position to decide anything.

The right thing to do is often never easy to do.  It will almost always appear like it's the wrong thing to do by those who don't know anything.  

How does one do what is right?  The easy way is to shut out all comments and opinions and only listen to the people who matter.

We have to drown out all the well-meaning words of others and rely on the wisdom of God to move forward. The tricky part is to remember this when the time comes to do the right thing.

 It is the only way.  

See something, say something

SFGEMS IS 6 years old!  

And so it's another year that this blog has survived.  Sometimes I forget that I even have this platform to use when I want to say something.

The new mantra in the civilised world is "See something, say something".  I should begin to apply that to my blog too.  

Often when I'm out, I make a mental note to write about something but by the time I get home, I forget to do anything about it.

Writing makes me happy.  It helps me to organise my thoughts and I'm able to sort out what's going on in my head much better than when I speak it out.  Somehow the process of thinking is faster if I write.  

I have a lot of things that I want to write about because I haven't decided what I think about it yet!  Isn't that just hilarious?

So thank you to SFGEMS for being my go-to place when I need to think.

Saying goodbye

Image from Pinterest

This month has been one of mixed events.  Some so wonderful that it takes a quiet moment to soak in the loveliness of it all.  Others so sharp and painful that we can almost taste the sourness in our hearts.

This month, we had to say good bye to a friend.  He was a good man.  He was a kind man.  He lived a good life and we were sad to learn that he had passed on suddenly.  Although he was old, he never showed his age and seemed immortal.  His death is a grim reminder that we aren't here forever and that we should love as much and as hard as possible.  

We will miss him just like we miss all the ones who have gone before us.  It's never easy but life goes on. 

Rest in peace, Cyril De witt.  Thank you for touching our lives.  

Rest in peace, all my loved ones.  So many of you gone too soon.  

We part only to meet again one day!