No greater grief...

I don't know if this is true but the loss of a child is perhaps more painful than other losses because of the physical connection that was once there.  You lose your parents, siblings or spouse but that pales in comparison to losing the 'human being' that was once living inside of you.  I may be wrong but it's my opinion that losing a child is much like losing a physical/spiritual/emotional/tangible part of yourself.  

I remember that, when I lost Douglas, many people told me to just move on and to get over it.  It was difficult to know what to do or how to feel.  Looking back, I have realised that it's something you go through and there really is no timetable to how long grief lasts. 

For some, it's been a lifetime of miserable days and I believe it need not be that way.  Some people feel that not to laugh or love again means that the loss was more profound than for someone who has learnt to do it again.  This cannot be true.

I've known people who refuse to remarry because they feel it would tarnish the 'love' they have for the one who died.  I don't judge. Real love never ends and it is eternal.  It just exists in another realm.  It will never co-incide but it runs parallel to our life. 

My brother once said, "Let the dead rest in peace, and the living go on living".  Those words are true today as they were, when they were said years and years ago.

The death of a loved one is never going to be something we understand or want to experience but it's inevitable.  The side effect of losing someone is that it makes you emotionally stronger even when you don't realise it.

When Doug died, I did what I thought was best.  I shoved grief aside and kept it in KIV for when I would be ready to deal with it. I didn't realise that it doesn't work that way.  Three months down the road, I was in sitting in one of the front pews in church and the tears came and the grief just overwhelmed me. The denial and everything that I had successfully suppressed exploded in sobs. Despite the sadness, I remember being so embarrassed at the sudden outpouring and in public, too!

When Eric died, I did what everyone thought was best. I cleared his things, I dismantled his cot and kept all traces of his short life away from sight.  I put them in a small suitcase and locked it up.  This also didn't work.  It accentuated the grief and the letting go of everything before I was ready made me feel even more depressed.  

The moral of it all is that we have an inbuilt mechanism that looks after our well-being.  We must listen to that quiet voice and follow its promptings.  

I reconciled with losing Doug much earlier for without doing so, I would not have been able to start a new life.  With losing Eric, I have taken a very long time to heal.  This year, I think I am almost there. My thoughts are not so much of longing and wishing anymore.  I miss him but it's how I would miss anybody else who is loved and who is not with me.

In lovin memory of Eric Joseph Cheow

Born: 1 March 1990
Died: 17 July 1992

Note: All pics taken from FB pages.

A Milestone in my Family

Pic from www.verybestquotes.com

There are four us: three sisters and one brother that make up our family.  I acknowledge that I also have two half brothers, but that's another story. 

For most of my childhood, my father was away working in Singapore, Australia and Vietnam.  Hence, it was my mom who took care of us till we were teens.  By that time, we had all already found our own paths.  For this reason, we were rarely together.  

Our early twenties saw us spread all over.  One in Hong Kong, the other in Penang, leaving the two younger ones in different parts of Kuala Lumpur. All of us were married before the twenties were over.

Our thirties were tumultuous.  All of us went through life-changing moments.  If I remember correctly, two were in Penang and two were in Kuala Lumpur.  Despite not meeting often, we stayed close to each other.  We weren't physically in touch but we remained very much involved in each other's lives.

The forties were the years of settling down.  My sisters were up north in Penang and my brother was mostly down south in Johore.  Yet we still stayed connected, thanks to modern technology.  All of us began finding our niches and digging our feet in for the long haul.  Our children were growing up and we watch them interacting with each other as we had done before.  

The fifties!  My sisters are in Penang, my brother is back in Kuala Lumpur and I am in Singapore. It's a milestone because the baby of our family has finally crossed this line on 10 February (the first day of the Lunar New Year) and he now joins his three sisters in the 50s club.  It had always been his joke to call us the "oldies" and claiming he was still in his forties.  Now he's one of us.  *smug look on my face*.

I wonder what it is like for my mom, who will be seventy-eight this year; to see all her children reach this half a century age.  What does she feel? I must ask her.  

I did a quick calculation to see how old I would be when my son turns fifty.  Heh heh heh! It seems to be in the distant future.  However, time flies and just as these last years have gone by so quickly, I know that soon that day will be here.  I must remember to make each day count. 

It is a nice feeling to know that all four of us have reached the mark of half a centenarian.  It makes me happy but a little sad when I think of all those who have lost a sibling.

I spoke to my brother this morning and I plan to call my sisters later.  I am sure it will be a nice surprise.  I just want to let them know that it is a blessing to be in each other's lives. 

I know this post is a little late but with Chinese New Year and all the other stuff going on, I didn't get to finish it.  

Unknowingly, we ushered in the Lunar New year, with a milestone, for this family who are ALL over 50!  Now that we know, it'll make 2013 special for all of us.

For my sisters (Esmeralda and Lourdez) and my brother (Antonio), I send them loving wishes for a year to be filled to abundance with all that their heart desires.

What???

Pic from Facebook

The Christmas month is here.  I used to dread this month.  No, not because Christmas was around the corner but because the moment December came by, I would have to start with the Christmas decorations for our Malaysian home.  It was always a tiring chore because I'd work all day and then come home to have a quick dinner and then start with the second round of work.  Albeit a more pleasant one than office work, but back-breaking, all the same.  Then when the weekend rolled by, I'd be on it full-steam to make good use of the time.  It usually took me a good two-weeks to get everything out and up and then it would be just tweaking everything until the eve.  Then I would be done! That was the old me!

The new me had the Singapore home all ready for Christmas before mid-November because my girls were coming for a visit.  I wanted them to have the Christmas spirit.  So I started early and I was given the 'stamp of approval' by my boss, Stephen. 

Some neighbours dropped by and said that everything is lovely.  I think Christmas makes everybody kinder.  :)

It's the first time ever that I have been ready for Christmas so early.  My brother would usually call me to tell me when his tree was up.  My then colleague used to say that her tree and whole house was done by 1 November.  I used to be so intimidated by them.  Not anymore!  

Hey, it's my first Christmas season without any other hassle.  I'm loving it.

Who's doing the Malaysian home for Christmas?  Well, somebody will do it.  Pssssstt  GG!!!!!!!!  December is already here!!!!!!!!!!

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire....

Pic from here

When we were little, chestnuts were a rare treat for us.  Not only were they pretty expensive, they weren't sold all year round.

If the man came cycling by, my Mom would buy a packet and divide it among the four of us.  I clearly remember a time when my brother and I had 5 chestnuts each.  We sat across each other and looked at it and waited to see who would give in and eat the first one.  We literally considered it a form of entertainment, prying the  nut out and eating it.  We felt devastated if one turned out to be rock hard or burnt.  

Often I see these selling in the Toa Payoh Hub.  I have bought a packet and eaten everything by myself.  It isn't the same when you can have it all.  There is no thrill when you eat these alone.  Tasty or not, the whole idea of truly enjoying chestnuts is when it's shared.

Nice memory this brings today.  :)