Corazon's gift of love

My Aunt Corazon gave these mugs to me a very long time ago. She was always the kind of person who dared to show love. I am so blessed to have had someone love me so much and who enriched my life in more ways than I care to count.

She never failed to remember my birthday and always sent cards (in the old-fashioned way). It was something we all took for granted. I'm so glad that I have kept a digital copy of that last card I received in 2014.

It's been ten years since she died, and I still miss her. I often wish she was still around to see and know Cayla. I believe Aunt Corazon would have loved her to bits!

Corazon

It's your birthday today, and I'm choosing joy.  

I'm celebrating your life.

I'm honouring the memories you left behind.

I'm so very grateful you were a part of my childhood, and I am thankful for all the things that you taught me.

Gone but never forgotten!  

Wake me up when September ends!

September always reminds me of my aunt Corazon.  Sadly, she passed away in 2014.

She never forgot birthdays or anniversaries.  She bought and stored cards.  She used to write little poems inside.  She used snail mail but she would do it way in advance so that it would arrive on time. 

I wonder how she would have managed in this almost completely digital age when people send wishes via social media.  Would she have embraced the new form of greetings?

When she died, I inherited her stash of cards.  There were tons of them for all occasions.  Some had turned colour and had little notes put inside to remember who she sent loving words to so they wouldn't get a repeat message.

In a way, I inherited this trait from her.  I have an online calendar to keep track of all the occasions.  I make it a point to send either a virtual wish or call (for those not on social media platforms).  I like doing it.  I like remembering the folks who are in my life.

I think that remembering people gives them a nudge of positivity.  Someone remembers and someone cares enough to send a wish.  Now it's instant and so easy.  We have no real reason not to do our tiny bit to make this world a better place. 

In memory of my beloved Aunt Corazon, I carry on this tradition happily!

Anyway, goodbye SEPTEMBER and I welcome OCTOBER with renewed optimism that things will be better and brighter.

Image from www

Corazon means heart

Image from Twitter

The last time that I spoke to my Aunt Corazon was on the 19th of March 2014 and just five days before she died.

I strain to remember if there was a hint in her voice that she knew or felt something.  It's impossible. Our conversations were always about the same things and about the same people. 

Every time we speak with anyone, it never occurs to us that it might just be the last time we talk to that someone.  

I don't always think of my Aunt Corazon but when I do, it stops me in my tracks for a moment.  Like today on the anniversary of her death and it doesn't seem as if it's been that long and I still miss her.

It's two years already and I still feel her love for me.  

I think this is what real love is all about.  A person loves you so much in real life that even when they are gone, you still feel that love from beyond.

I hope it works both ways and that she can also feel my love for her wherever she may be now.

Corazon means heart

Just a month ago, our beloved uncle Ralph Lesslar passed away suddenly. His death was a shock to us and it took a while for us to reconcile with the fact that he was really gone.  

~~~

Then yesterday, we woke up to the news that Mr Lee Kuan Yew had died after being in hospital since 5 February. It wasn't a total surprise because pneumonia at the age of 91 is usually fatal.  Plus there had been almost hourly updates of his deteriorating condition. Even when it was expected, it was strange to feel teary-eyed when reading all the comments and tributes to him.

I didn't know him personally but, of course, have heard of him.  Living in Singapore since three years ago has given me a first-hand perspective of the life and people here.  It's also exposed me to the quality and standard of living that I now enjoy and miss when I am away.  From all the testimonies and superlatives about him, I have to join the Singaporeans in their grief.

Anyway, this blog post isn't about him although the familiar feeling of sadness was prompted by the thousands if not millions of lovely and loving memories shared about him.

~~~

This is about my Aunt Corazon who died one year ago today.  I miss her.

Love never dies.  Not for the living anyway...

Corazon = heart

Pic from WWW

When I saw this picture, I thought of Robin Williams and also of my own aunt.  They made everyone around them happy but they were lonely people.  

Yesterday was six months since my Aunt Corazon passed away from illness and today would have been her 77th birthday.

She was one of those lonely people who lived in a world of her own. Yet she always found time to make others happy.  

When I moved too far away, we talked on the phone whenever possible,  and it wasn't always happy things that she spoke about.  I guess she needed to share a lot of the heaviness she felt inside.   Often I'd make light of her complains about people but when she died, I did see that she wasn't completely wrong.  

Her first question would always be "Are you free?". She was always concerned about intruding into a person's time.  This would follow with an apology for calling.  I always smiled when she did that and I always told her that I am always free and that there was no need to apologise.

There are only a handful of people who truly love me unconditionally and Aunt Corazon was one of them.

This is why I feel her loss so deeply and I wish I could have just one more day with her.  

In life, we never really feel sadness more than when we lose someone who genuinely loved us.

I believe that in her final moments, she would have turned to God and this gives me comfort.  I've played it around and around in my head and, only recently, heard something that made sense to me.  Now I'm sure that she has perfect peace.  

The voices in my head

Image from FirstCovers.com

There was an old lady who lived in a room, she had no children so she didn't know what to do.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I've been thinking and thinking and looking for answers but there are none except for my own voice in my head, which just creates and recreates questions, one after the other.

What did you think about? How much pain did you feel? Was it emotional, psychological or physical pain? Could it have been a combination of all three? Who did you think about? Why did you not want help? When did you realise that it was bad? Did you lose the will to live?  Was this what you wanted?

I want so much to understand the reasons for the way you lived your life.  More than this, I want to know what were your thoughts in the last 48 hours. I want to turn back the clock to ask you about it.  I want to go into that zone where you let your guard down and tell me the things that you wouldn't tell anybody else. I want to know so many things. I want to know too many things.

Knowing that I will never have the answers doesn't ease the ache.  Knowledge is not power.  

This holiday has been good and now I decide to let it go.  

The sun, the sand, the sea and the voices in my head say it's time and I should let it go.

I'm going to let it go.

The dead have no voice

When people die, we make up stories in our head so that we can feel better. They can no longer argue or deny or accept what we say about them.  They are unable to speak out even if they disagree.

Many prefer to believe that they go to heaven. I've been told that everyone I've known, who has died, has gone to heaven. No one will say otherwise. It becomes sacrilegious to even speak ill of them. My aunt was not a saint nor was she a sinner.  Judgement is not for me or anyone to make. 

I guess it is part of the healing process.  We want to feel good so we only hold on to the nicer aspects because it seems to make no sense to think of the uglier things.  We change our perception of them only because it makes it easier on us.

I can only go by on what I felt or more importantly how she made me feel.   I always felt loved.

When I left Malaysia, many people said they would miss me. However, she was the only one who never failed to say so.  She never ever stopped telling me that she felt sad I was so far away, that she felt a void and missed me terribly but also always assuring me that she was happy for me. She didn't ever hide the fact that she missed me.  This always left me with mixed feelings.  

When she died, I didn't just lose someone I loved.  I lost someone who loved me deeply and who wasn't afraid or ashamed to tell me.

May her soul rest in peace forever more.

I still love you, I feel a void now, I miss you and I hope you are happy. 

“Only in quiet waters do things mirror themselves undistorted. Only in a quiet mind is adequate perception of the world.”

― Hans Margolius