Echoes of insight

 

Image taken from X

I realized I was getting older… but it wasn't because of the wrinkles on my face.

It wasn't the mirror that told me, nor the young man who gave up his seat for me on the bus.

It wasn't the trendy clothes I no longer understand, or the songs that sound like noise to me.

It was something more subtle. Deeper.

I noticed it when I stopped trying to convince others.

When I stopped chasing after those who walked away.

When I no longer needed to have the last word.

When I learned to let go without drama.

Aging arrived unannounced.

Without sadness, without fear.

It simply… settled in calmly.

And it brought peace with it.

I no longer expect apologies from those who don't know how to give them.

The silence of others no longer bothers me.

I understood that everyone is battling their own inner turmoil.

And whoever truly wants to speak… does so.

Today I don't seek approval.

I don't want to fit in.

I want to be at peace.

My body is no longer a source of shame.

It is my home. My story. My memory.

It has witnessed loves, losses, births, and falls.

How could I not honor it?

Now I live differently.

Without rushing. Without "shoulds."

Without guilt for choosing my well-being.

I drink my coffee hot.

I answer messages without pressure.

I walk without haste.

I listen to myself. I embrace myself. I belong to myself.

And for the first time… that's enough. 💕


Much thanks to my soul sister, Shashi Netto, for sharing this.

Reading through the lines

Image from www

 

I used to read a lot.  Since I was in primary school, it was a challenge to find the time for leisure reading because of school, homework and activities.

Even when I was working, I still read quite a bit.  Often, I would give up a bit of my night sleep just to finish a chapter.  

Now when I am retired and able to read at any time I want, I haven't.  I did when I first arrived, but circumstances were such that I couldn't concentrate.  Eventually, I stopped reading but didn't stop buying books, though.  

Despite buying whenever I saw some book that I wanted, I still went to the library to borrow books and very often, with a tail between my legs, returned some without having touched them.  Thankfully, there was a drop-off box where we could just deposit the books without having to face the librarian.  It would have been so embarrassing if she had asked, "how was the story?".

Just when I was free to just stay home and begin reading, Netflix arrived, and I got snatched into the world of TV series (10 seasons or limited) and movies.  Recently, we also subscribed to the Disney channel, and this opened up a new world of other documentaries and shows that we enjoy.  I'm not complaining as this kept me happy during the covid times.

Today, I am going to pick up a book and see if I can revive my love for reading.  I have some in my Tab but there is nothing that comes close to holding a book and leaving a bookmark between the pages.  I'll be wise and choose the right book.  Let's see if I can reduce my intending-to-read list by one book!

Faded pictures and memories

 

Image from Instagram

I am not particularly photogenic.  I almost always don't like the photos taken of me.  I don't have a fixed smile that I can automatically switch on.  In short, I can't be an actress and I don't have a poker face. 

It is amazing that so many have the same look in every photo.  Do they practise in front of the camera?  I look different in almost all my photos.  Okay, some candid ones can be explained but the ones in a group or when posing for a picture?  How do they manage to perfect the smile, the look, and the pose?

Only lately, I have begun to loosen my hang ups about ugly photos of me!  Oh yes, the kids love it and save them in their handphones.  *rolling my eyes here*

Then I realise that when I am dead and gone, it is these very photos that will make them smile.  

Busy living life

Image from thetarotjournalpakistan

I always surprise myself by neglecting this blog because I have all the time in the world to do anything and everything I want.  Writing here has always been a nice hobby.  It's a way to organise my thoughts and keep them here for posterity.  Also, I may forget and so, saving them here allows me to revisit these moments.

I was in KL in the early part of January and then again for most of May.  Travelling now is via Seletar/Subang/Seletar instead of Changi/KLIA/Changi.  This tremendously cuts down the time from home to airport and vice versa. 

Although my blog title is "Busy living life", I haven't really been busy.  Most of the days just flow into the next.  I'd have to say it is a simple life.  I wake up when I'm fully rested. Usually, Stephen has already gone off to work.  He makes my coffee and puts it next to my chair.  It makes me smile every morning when I see this!  As they say, it's not what people profess with their mouths, it's their acts of love that prove what they feel.

Now that I've settled back into my usual SG routine, hopefully, I will spend more time writing on my new laptop.  New because sometimes, it is easier to just get another one instead of replacing the charger for the old one.  But, as luck would have it, the new charger works on the old one and so now we have two laptops. Stephen was actually thinking of buying two and discarding the old one!  Thankfully, he had the idea that maybe, just maybe the new charger would work on the old one!  Lo, and behold, it does.  Yay!!!!

I'm consciously cutting down on my time online.  Actually, I'm even toying with the idea of going cold turkey but what would that achieve?  I enjoy the camaraderie and the mini chats with some of the people.  I also like to think that I bring joy to people who have little or no contact with family or friends.  There are many lonely people out there.

Busy isn't a bad thing if we are also living our truth.  Doing what we enjoy and using moments to make a difference in our own as well as other people's lives is great.  

Uncomplicated Life

Image from WWW

I just realised that the previous three posts were about the death of loved ones.  I hadn't noticed at first as it was something unconsciously done.  Only wrote so I wouldn't forget.

And I made a decision to stop because this blog isn't just for remembering people who have gone but it is also to enjoy the ones who are still with us.

I know I've said that I write for the future me.  When memories start to fade, I can dive into my blog and re-read some of the events that have made an impact on me.  Hence, I must not get into the habit of only writing when someone dies.  I must start writing about the good things that are around.  The fun people that are in my life.  There is much to be grateful for despite and in spite of Covid-19 still raging in our midst.

I've been doing practically nothing since the April 2020 circuit breaker in Singapore and since there is no travelling, I've been indoors almost all of that time.  Most people would have gone mad but not me as I have become slightly introverted.  Or maybe it is the opposite effect kicking in after having had to go out nearly every day for almost all of my life.  Either it was because of work, duty or even a holiday, I was, shall I use the word, forced to go out.  Now there are days when I don't even step outside the door.  While people consider it a punishment, I didn't, at all, find it unpleasant.  

There is so much to do at home.  There's housework which is never-ending.  We decide when to stop, that's the truth.  There's Netflix and that too is a slippery slope once you get immersed in a series.  And books, but I've not been reading much.  I don't really know the reason why.  I tell myself it's the print that I find too small for comfort.  I tried online books but that too, didn't have the same effect that reading always had for me.  Then there's news which I skim through nowadays because it can be bleak and depressing.  I just keep abreast of what's happening in the world.  It's not like I have to sit for any test so I just glance at headlines and only go deeper if I want more details.  

Apart from doing, there's also the not-doing things like napping.  I find that since I am up at 6 am on most days, I nap more often nowadays.  When I used to sleep in, I didn't really nap much.  But again, who's checking and I nap as I please.  There's joy in being able to do it at any time.  Those dozing off in my chair times are the best.  It is a luxury as I can still remember fighting off sleepiness and tiredness when I was working!!!  

Yes, to some, my lifestyle is a kind of nonsense as I just let one day slide into the next.  But isn't that the goal of many!  To eat, drink and be merry is what people say we need to do!

Really it is simple now for me.  Don't complicate life.  

If I get through one day, it's enough.  

At my age, there are no more dreams to chase or goals to achieve.  

I just want to be healthy, happy and whole.

Moving along and moving on

Image from Pinterest

I don't know when I started to feel this way.  I guess with age, does come some wisdom.  A few years ago, I'd be mad and be so annoyed with people and situations but now I can just shrug my shoulders and actually accept it.

Naturally, I may react and brood a bit but these days, I get over it so quickly that life is so much easier now.  

I'm happier and contented with the choices I make.

I realise that the power, to be me, is mine.  I will be who I am, no matter how others are.

Christmas month - Day 30

The  Christmas month is almost over.  Tomorrow is New Year's eve.  Besides stating the obvious, I guess it's a checkpoint to see the good again and again and again.

Celebrate your life and be happy.  I've always believed that time well spent is a life well lived. 

(Images from Pinterest)

Maid and made Love

Image picked from WWW

It irks me to often see maids carrying the child while the mom enjoys a hands-free outing.  Of course, this is none of my business. People have every right to conduct themselves as they see fit.  I should also add that this isn't a usual scenario but I've seen it too many times to know that this occurs often enough to warrant some thought.

One day I saw a child stumble and instead of reaching out for the mother, the child turned to the maid.  Instinctively, they know who to go to for comfort.  The mother was nonchalant about it.  It's a sad development to see.  

Mothers should be the first person that a child reaches out for, when they fall or falter in life.  

The right thing...

Image taken from FB

We are so used to being told what to do, what to think, what to say, and what to feel.  We are bombarded with people thinking that they know better.  Many do believe that they have a right to call the shots but the reality is that it is never a privilege to be in a position to decide anything.

The right thing to do is often never easy to do.  It will almost always appear like it's the wrong thing to do by those who don't know anything.  

How does one do what is right?  The easy way is to shut out all comments and opinions and only listen to the people who matter.

We have to drown out all the well-meaning words of others and rely on the wisdom of God to move forward. The tricky part is to remember this when the time comes to do the right thing.

 It is the only way.  

Seriously, not serious!

Image from WWW

And there it is, I missed a whole month of blogging.  This is what happens when you have Netflix and you start following TV shows which have so many seasons.  

But life is always fun even with all the ups and downs because of Stephen.  He can make me laugh and we can be completely stupid with each other and it's so invigorating.  Having an unusual sense of humour is how we survived before we met each other and now it's how we survive anything and everything that comes our way.  

They say that we shouldn't laugh at people and that the right thing to do is to laugh with them.  With us, it's not possible.  He laughs at me and I laugh at him.  Maybe we are at that comfort level where we can do so without judgement.

Seriously, it's fun and makes me look at life less seriously.  

Be proud to be you

Image from Facebook

When I left Facebook some years ago, I also left behind some friends with whom I had reconnected after a long lapse of silence.   I may have lost those ties but if I have an email address, I like to send a birthday wish via email even if I don't expect a reply.

Then, surprisingly, replies to two birthday greetings that I sent out in July and forgotten about appeared in my inbox.

One didn't reply earlier because of work and travelling and the other was just a random chance that an old email account was checked!  Whatever happened, I was just happy to receive news and also to know that they knew I remembered.

One of them wrote, "I'm sure likewise you, too, would have been shaped into a person closer to what you really are by the changing parades of events and people."

This made me think a bit and there's a lot of truth in it.  Today another person mentioned this and said, "our ego loses power as we mellow".  Again, it made it me think a bit more and prompted me to write here. 

  

There's power in not pretending to be like others.

There's power in not pretending to like others also.  

Somehow growing older makes us braver to be who we really are.  We become lazy to put up a false front for people and inevitably, circumstances change our perspectives, adding to the change in how we think.

Not everyone likes the changes or more accurately, the peeling off of the masks we put on to please others.  But there's a satisfaction in being the real me. 

The best place to be ....

Image from Pinterest

Long ago when the pain of losing Eric was still sharp and intense, a priest wrote to me saying that, for Eric, the best place to be, if not with me, is in heaven.  It was most comforting to read those words and it kept me going for days, months and even years.  I still remember holding the unexpected aerogramme which came from India!  I looked up the bible verses that were mentioned.  I read and re-read them hoping for some relief.

"No more pain for him", I reminded myself.  

"Rest beyond my comprehension", I thought inside my head.

It's really a difficult thing to be trapped between wanting your baby boy in your life and knowing he's in heaven.  At two years, where else would he be after dying?

Some years ago, when I least expected it, my godson, Greg told me that since Eric died when he was so young, he must already be a general in heaven.  That made me smile and I felt so glad for the kind words from a sensitive soul to know how to stretch across the miles to send love and a virtual hug. Until today, I remember where I was standing when I saw that SMS message.  I had to stop because my eyes teared up and I wanted to blink them away before anybody saw me.  

Isn't it amazing that sometimes people do or say things that can touch our lives in such a far-reaching way?  They may not even remember it but what's important is that I haven't forgotten.

While today I feel a twinge of sadness, as I always do, I also remember these two moments when a simple gesture of humanity touched me so deeply and helped soothe an aching heart.  

How much?

I didn't realise that two months have gone by since I wrote here on my blog.  Life has been filled with so many moments and memories that I didn't even remember to immortalise some of my thoughts here.

Okay, no need to be dramatic about leaving some words on a blog meant for my future reference.  Ha ha ha

I'll start by saying that these words in the image, made me think. Many quotes have that effect on me.  They cause me to pause and wonder about the reason for it being written that way.  

There are people who do a lot.  But behind their doing is very little love invested.  On the other end, are people who do so little but in those small gestures, you feel and see so much love. 

These last two months that I have been missing have also been the start of Stephen's semi-retirement. It has been exciting for him to discover the joys of only working two days a week.  

We've had to re-adjust our timing for TV, going out, travelling to KL and so far it's been a non-stop moving session. I am literally worn out from so much going on.  Not forgetting a wedding in the wings!!

Anyway, getting back to the reason these words touched me is that there is very little to do at home, yet Stephen has decided to do some of the chores even if I could do them all!  It's him saying to me that he cares enough and he wants me to also enjoy some of the perks of his freer time.  

How much love do you put into your doing?  It's a good question to ask each time. 

Moving forward

Image from Instagram

Recently I was chatting with a friend and he said that he hated it when people told him to "Move on" or "Move forward" whenever he lamented about anything.  It amused me because even if he didn't want to, he was moving forward.

No matter how we dislike the notion of letting the past go, we unconsciously leave a bit behind each day until, suddenly, it no longer becomes an issue.

I know there are people who do mean things daily and don't think twice of it but my friend is one of those who knew he did mean or terrible things.  He regrets having done that.  He wishes he hadn't done them. However, he has moved on, knowing that he can be different from who he was.

In a way, this is true for all of us.  We shed the skin of who we were and we are a new person each and every day!

No one gets to say that we never change. We all change and no one gets to say that they know us well.  No one can because we do change; whether we like it and whether we know it or not.

Alarm bells ringing

Woke up at 8 am but only because of the alarm.  Why did I ever think that I would never need one again? It was wishful thinking when I retired.  

Strangely during the first week of my retirement, I was up bright and early almost as if I wanted to enjoy being home during those hours instead of at work.  

But now, without an alarm ringing, I can sleep till noon!!! Mwahahahahahahaha!!!  Of course, this is only because I sometimes watch TV series till 4 am so if I wake at noon then I feel I have had the obligatory 8 hours of sleep.  And I don't always do that. I'm usually up by about 9ish unless I'm very tired.

Even if I am up early, there's always the long nap that I can take either before or after lunch to be refreshed again.  Sleeping is never a problem for me.  

I also don't suffer from insomnia.  Once I'm in bed, I fall asleep quite easily.  

There are some days when I don't want to sleep but because I have something to do very early the next day, I try to have an early night. The remedy, for me, is to read a bit and soon enough I'll be feeling sleepy. 

Life is good.  With or without alarm bells ringing, life is good. 

Go crazy

Image from WWW

There really aren't many things that I could go crazy about nowadays.  I'm sure when I was young I was the opposite but that's what makes for moments when our soul smiles quietly in remembering.

I lead a rather boring life as compared to those around me.  I don't do anything out of the ordinary.  But when I feel like doing something crazy, there's nothing to stop me.  In fact, there's no one either.  

Like last night I watched 15 episodes of a TV series and finished at nearly 5 am this morning.  I wasn't sleepy and it was such an interesting show.  I woke up at 8.30 am and then went back to sleep almost immediately until noon.  Mild crazy but crazy all the same.

It's nice to be able to do stuff like this without having to weigh the consequences.  Stephen applauded me when I told him why I was so sleepy.  He's my best cheerleader!

And just one moment of craziness has left me with a glow in my heart and a skip in my step.

To make things even better, the universe rewards me with an unexpected surprise this evening.  Life is so gooooooooooood!

Corazon means heart

Image from Twitter

The last time that I spoke to my Aunt Corazon was on the 19th of March 2014 and just five days before she died.

I strain to remember if there was a hint in her voice that she knew or felt something.  It's impossible. Our conversations were always about the same things and about the same people. 

Every time we speak with anyone, it never occurs to us that it might just be the last time we talk to that someone.  

I don't always think of my Aunt Corazon but when I do, it stops me in my tracks for a moment.  Like today on the anniversary of her death and it doesn't seem as if it's been that long and I still miss her.

It's two years already and I still feel her love for me.  

I think this is what real love is all about.  A person loves you so much in real life that even when they are gone, you still feel that love from beyond.

I hope it works both ways and that she can also feel my love for her wherever she may be now.

Keeping guard

Image picked  from Twitter

It's easier to speak from the heart because that's where the real feelings come from.  Hence it's a good idea to guard the heart because that's also where love is manufactured.

Who wants to keep hatred so that it can grow and fester?  No one.

Yet, there are some who do this and it amazes me that even as people grow older, they never tire of drama.  And when there's none, they create it.

Guard your heart and,  may I add, your words as it determines the course of your life.  This is a good one to meditate on.  

The leap of faith

Image from Twitter

I almost cannot believe that I have been in retirement for FOUR years now.  It seems like I've taken to this new life like a "fish to water". That's lame but the best description that I can think of. Hahahahahaha.  

Also, I almost cannot remember what it's like to be working in an office. 

My "office" now is wherever my laptop is placed at home so it's either on the dining table or on my lap (pun intended) in front of the TV!  

The leap year used to brings memories of the Olympic Games and the Presidential Elections.  That's how diverse my interests are! Stephen and I share a common ground in our interest with some major world events and we enjoy talking about it over breakfast/lunch/dinner and sometimes supper.  But now the leap year has also become synonymous with my retirement.

I woke up yesterday to tell Stephen that we must celebrate today.  I said I want to have lobster for dinner.  He knows I'm full of plans and no action.  Just being able to say it is enough to make me happy.

The leap of faith was also a leap into faith.  It was when I found a meaningful relationship with God.  It has made such a big difference to my life.

So this 29 February 2016, I'm saying a special prayer for all the people who are special to me.  It's a way of giving back (behind the scenes) without fanfare. 

Most of all I'm thankful to Stephen, Jared and Gwen who have been my pillars of support and encouragement.  The countless other family and friends along the way have been the icing on the cake: always delicious and so enjoyable. 

Be blessed.  Stay blessed.  Shalom!

I wish...

Image picked from Twitter

Valentine's Day has come and gone.  There were so many wishes from family and friends that I was overwhelmed.  

For me, it's an over-rated event but I just love spreading the love.  I wasn't alone.  Some sent more than one wish and it was like a competition to see who sent the best image.  At the end of the day, I just couldn't choose which was my favourite.  I loved them all.

Stephen was working so it was a quiet day for us until he came home. 

How did we spend the evening?  We went to church!

It's one of the things we love doing together.  Sometimes he will say something meant only for me and which no one else would understand.  I'm sure many couples have their secret codes between them.

Loking back on our years together, I think that hearing him say "I wish I knew you earlier" has to be the most touching.  I've always made light of the moments when he says this but really it speaks so much about his love for me.

As another Valentine's Day has come and gone, I'm counting my lucky stars again.  

I wish.....

                   for many, many more years together.