Mum Rose and Memories

When Mum Rose Cheow died on 19 December 2023, I was in Singapore.  There was such a sadness that permeated my being when I heard that she was gone! 

I had known her since I was 14 so we had a connection that spanned over 50 years.  It struck me that she was always in my life albeit not always physically.  In the earlier years, it was our love for Doug that naturally drew us together.  In the latter part of my life, she was always hovering in the background and never let me forget that she had my back!

The one thing that I shall remember most about her is that she took chances in life and made the best of everything.  

I had not expected for her to leave anything to me since I am, technically, out of the family picture.  Hence, it was a surprise to see that she had thought of me and left something tangible to keep.  I don't really need anything, but her kindness and thoughtfulness has yet again reminded me that this is the path to follow.

When I saw her little note, it made me tear up.  I have kept a letter that she wrote to me in 1992.  The familiar writing tugged at my heart.  1992 was an especially difficult year but knowing she would be there for me, offering to be there for me, made it bearable.  I shall always be eternally grateful for her love and support throughout the last 50 years.

The Velveteen me

Image from Instagram (I think)

Too many people enjoy making comments without thinking about the consequences of their words.  Saying things without realising how hypocritical it can be is off-putting.  

To many people, I am difficult and hard to get along with.  And I won't disagree as they are entitled to their opinions.   We can't be angels to everybody.

Physically people used to say I was either too thin or too fat.  Seldom have I heard that I was just nice!  Even when that was said, it was laced with "but don't lose or gain any more weight".  

Emotionally, I have been called "hard as stone" and also "weak and sensitive".  No one really knows how to be empathetic.

Intellectually, I was considered below par compared to others or too smart for my own good!   I have heard "you could have done better" so many times.  In my mind, I always retorted, "I could have done worse".  Now I no longer bother. 

I'm getting older every day and no longer have the attributes of who I once was.  But there are people who still tell me that they remember my long and luscious hair or my big eyes.  Some say that I am still the sweet, young thing and I haven't changed.  These are the people who understand the current me and more than that, they are the ones who see me with eyes of love.

I have heard women who had no children commenting about the body of someone who had two babies. I have also heard thin people say that fat people have no discipline when it comes to food and the fat people saying that thin people look sickly.  

Sometimes I am guilty too.  Guilty of sizing up people.  Have been guilty of it, too many times, in the past!  

I suppose as we grow older, these things take on a lesser role in our minds. We become less judgmental.  We become.  I'd like to think that I have become or at the very least, I'm on my way to become the velveteen me.

See something, say something

SFGEMS IS 6 years old!  

And so it's another year that this blog has survived.  Sometimes I forget that I even have this platform to use when I want to say something.

The new mantra in the civilised world is "See something, say something".  I should begin to apply that to my blog too.  

Often when I'm out, I make a mental note to write about something but by the time I get home, I forget to do anything about it.

Writing makes me happy.  It helps me to organise my thoughts and I'm able to sort out what's going on in my head much better than when I speak it out.  Somehow the process of thinking is faster if I write.  

I have a lot of things that I want to write about because I haven't decided what I think about it yet!  Isn't that just hilarious?

So thank you to SFGEMS for being my go-to place when I need to think.

400

Just like Spartan, the movie, with only "300" as the title, I thought just putting 400 is catchy and dramatic.

It's my 400th post and after all this while, I still find joy in writing because it's how I organise my thoughts and also my memories.  Without this blog, I'd have forgotten all the little stuff that can get lost in the bigger events of life.

Once in a while, I go and check STEEST for something and then I get lost, going through some old stuff I'd written and the same goes for SFGEMS.  Sometimes I don't even remember ever writing what I've posted.  That, for me, is always a nice surprise.  

First, because I think my mind conveniently decided to remove all traces of that blog content knowing that it's been saved.  Clever, if I’m right!  But it could either be that I am automatically deleting some of those memories or it is just part and parcel of forgetting due to old age.  It is a good thing then that I had put down those moments into words.

Second, because I can retrace my state of being, at that given point in time, via what I have written.  

And today with my 400th posting, I'm celebrating because I've stuck to keeping this blog alive, even when I've been lazy or busy.  

Whether or not I have an audience of one or a thousand, it is still a great thing to me. 

High Five again!

Image from Instagram @legendarywriting

Sometimes I just don't have anything to write about. Then something kicks in and I have so much to say.  These days I find myself in a routine that I created for myself and I often get lost in the days which drag on to weeks.  But I do make a conscious effort to write at least once a month!

Most days, I wake up, check my phone, read some news, do my chores, have lunch and then half the day is gone.  After that I get ready to go out and by the time I'm done with the errands and whatever else I need to do, it's already evening.  While waiting or when I'm in the bus or train, I check to see if there is anything happening in the world that I missed!  Hahahaha.  

Stephen and I are news addicts.  Whenever I use the computer, I'm sure to see some news portal that he's visited, waiting for me to browse through.  We aren't alone because our friend, Jerome, is also like us and very often we meet and discuss politics, latest stories or just to "sembang" which sort of means to chat or catch up.  

Anyway, this month has been an interesting one and I seem to have the desire to write a bit more than usual.  Maybe it's because today marks five years since SFGEMS was created after I gave up on my earlier STEEST blog.  In a way, it's a nice transition from when I was living in KL and then when I moved to Singapore.  I didn't plan on that happening but somehow it marked the change in my life and the person I have become.  Whatever it is, I'm glad that I didn't give up on writing.  It's always been the best way to document my life and feelings.  It's a glimpse into "me". 

Five is the number of Grace and it's fitting that I've been in Singapore for over five years now and the day I moved here was my first high five moment of 2012. Today, this blog is also five.  Hence the high five moment again. All glory, honour and praise goes to God for all these blessings in my life.

Even if I don't have a big fan club, my blog still garners random hits from all over the world and as at today has had 96063 page views.  Not bad for five years of writing!!!  Does it matter to me?  Not really because I write for me and maybe my future grandkids (hee hee).  I've said it before and I'll say it again and again because when I can no longer do this, I can come back to re-read and relive some of these happy or sad moments.  It'll challenge me to remember things that I may forget some five or ten years from now.  Will I even be alive then? That I do not know, but my blog will live on in the blogosphere forever!  

T G I F

Image found on Pinterest

Rain on a Friday!  I just love it!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It's been nearly two months since I wrote on this blog.  I believe it's the longest that I've not written here.  

Part of the reason why I haven't been writing is because I'm hardly on my laptop.  But I take notes and save images in my HP so I don't lose any ideas. This ensures that I don't forget what caught my interest, which I am prone to do nowadays, . 

The reality is that I usually have a list of things I want to blog about.  The reality is that it is also not anything urgent. 

I saw something on Instagram recently and it prompted me to come back here and look at my "Drafts" folder.  I have over 20 items there and some have just an image that touched me and others have one or two words or lines that will jog my memory into a journey of thought processes.  

Writing has always been the best avenue for me to express myself. I wish I was able to articulate in the same way and I usually can but between the two, there is no comparison.   Writing for me is the best avenue to express what's in my heart. 

We always have doubts about what and why we write but maybe we shouldn't dwell on this too much.

This is the image that prompted me to return to my blog.

Image from Instagram
courtesy of @theartofwrite

Another note to self

Image from Pinterest

Woke up while it was still dark so I could see Stephen off to work. Checked my whatsapp messages because some of my family and friends wake up at the crack of dawn and they usually drop me a wish or two.  It's always heartwarming to wake up to such positivity.

Went back to sleep until about 9.30 am and stayed in bed till 10ish. Okay, I sense raised eyebrows now! Hahahahahahahaha!  But this isn't how it is everyday.  Most days I have an agenda and I stick to it but once in a while a moment appears and I just allow it to envelop me.  

With coffee in hand, I do a quick check of emails and find one that I want to reply to because the person is important to me.  It's always a treat to read and dissect each other's words but with no judgement; only love, support and encouragement for one another. Such are the types of connections we should look for when we are older and not the ones that sow seeds of discontent and hatred.

It has been raining for a while now.  Thunder was in the distance and the beat of the rain on the awning was slightly deafening. Soft Christmas carols are playing in the background and I feel a strong sense of peace and happiness.

Not everything is perfect in my world.  No one has a perfect life but as I always like to think, it is far from imperfect.  

While I was replying, one load of clothes was washed and dried and I'm feeling that the quiet moment was time well-spent. Whatsapp messages came in and went out, between the email reply and I think I've made some people smile, feel better about themselves and helped them along their day.

I managed to rethink some of the old stories while replying an email and I realise how far I have moved on.  The stories have a lesser hold on me and who I am now.  In some way, it's just a moment but how those moments have added up to making a nice few hours by myself, my coffee and my thoughts. 

Shalom! 

In the beginning...

In the beginning, there was STEEST.

Today is the anniversary of when STEEST was born on 18 September 2008.  I started the blog on impulse and then found it to be a great platform in which I could share my memories and also release some of the pent-up emotions I kept inside.

It was always a dream to write and even when I had no audience, I enjoyed it.  My teen years were spent huddled over my desk and writing poems.  I still have some of them.  Compositions in schools were my favourite and I thank my teachers for the guidelines although I do break some of the rules now and again. 

Due to a technical glitch (meaning my itchy fingers), I lost all the images on STEEST.  It was just a stroke of blessing that I decided to create a new blogpost here on SFGEMS.

I call it a blessing because it's a timeline, a more detailed one, of what's going on in my life since I retired.  Years from now I will be able to go through the posts and see if I can remember what made me happy, sad, laugh, frown etc.  

I call it a blessing because I've made many new friends while blogging and found kindred spirits.

I call it a blessing because my blog keeps me active and grounded. It pushes me to think about everything.

Yennyways, (curi-ed this word from my friend, Pat) I will celebrate today because, well, just because....

Cheers! 

Three years already!

Image from Pinterest

Yep! It's three years since SFGEMS was created.  There was a time when I lost sleep wondering if I had checked and re-checked before posting something.  Nowadays I no longer do that.  Maybe I believe that perfection is a myth and maybe I also realise that imperfection isn't a flaw.

When I used to write on STEEST, I was afraid that no one would read my blog.  Then I was afraid that someone would read my blog. Mentally tortured myself for no reason!!! There are millions of blogs in the world wide web.  Then I realised that I was writing for the future me.  It's a timeline of my own life way before Facebook.

In early 2012, I inadvertently deleted all the images in STEEST and I was wondering what to do until I realised that there was nothing I could do.  Hence the only solution was to start over and it was as easy as going to the shops to get a packet of chips!!!

What's my point on this 3 year anniversary?  Well, it's this ------->

No use crying over spilt milk, just clean the mess and move on.

I'm glad I started this blog.  It's been a good avenue to release some of my anxiety and thoughts.  It's also a great way to focus on the good in my life.  

Whenever I've wanted to write, I just write.  Sometimes I keep it in the drafts until I've had a second look.  At other times, I just publish without any more thoughts about it.  

Anyway, it's been a good record of what's happened in my life. Each entry reminds me of something important.  The memory will go and then only these words will remain.  

One day in the distant future, when I can no longer remember much, I will be able to return and read about my own life. 

  

Keep a notebook.

Image from WWW

I used to have a notebook when things became very busy in the office.  It helped me to remember details so I would not overlook any important matter.  While I am confident of having a pretty good memory, there are periods when we cannot trust it a hundred per cent. 

Recently when I stumbled upon an old notebook of 2011, I was pleased to see that I had made the effort to make notes because I had completely forgotten about what I had written. Some memories are nice to rekindle.

Now my notebook is in my HP.  I make notes to remind me of something for the present or the future. 

The new feature in my HP allows me to write and it's nice to flip through looking at my own handwriting. I've yet to master the art of writing neatly as when I'm using pen and paper but it works and I'm happy as long as the the content is saved.  This is all that matters so I shan't allow myself to fret over it.  

"Wasting brain space" is my favourite phrase for when I don't want to spend any more time than needed over trivial stuff.