Wednesday, July 17, 2013

No greater grief...

I don't know if this is true but the loss of a child is perhaps more painful than other losses because of the physical connection that was once there.  You lose your parents, siblings or spouse but that pales in comparison to losing the 'human being' that was once living inside of you.  I may be wrong but it's my opinion that losing a child is much like losing a physical/spiritual/emotional/tangible part of yourself.  

I remember that, when I lost Douglas, many people told me to just move on and to get over it.  It was difficult to know what to do or how to feel.  Looking back, I have realised that it's something you go through and there really is no timetable to how long grief lasts. 

For some, it's been a lifetime of miserable days and I believe it need not be that way.  Some people feel that not to laugh or love again means that the loss was more profound than for someone who has learnt to do it again.  This cannot be true.

I've known people who refuse to remarry because they feel it would tarnish the 'love' they have for the one who died.  I don't judge. Real love never ends and it is eternal.  It just exists in another realm.  It will never co-incide but it runs parallel to our life. 

My brother once said, "Let the dead rest in peace, and the living go on living".  Those words are true today as they were, when they were said years and years ago.

The death of a loved one is never going to be something we understand or want to experience but it's inevitable.  The side effect of losing someone is that it makes you emotionally stronger even when you don't realise it.

When Doug died, I did what I thought was best.  I shoved grief aside and kept it in KIV for when I would be ready to deal with it. I didn't realise that it doesn't work that way.  Three months down the road, I was in sitting in one of the front pews in church and the tears came and the grief just overwhelmed me. The denial and everything that I had successfully suppressed exploded in sobs. Despite the sadness, I remember being so embarrassed at the sudden outpouring and in public, too!

When Eric died, I did what everyone thought was best. I cleared his things, I dismantled his cot and kept all traces of his short life away from sight.  I put them in a small suitcase and locked it up.  This also didn't work.  It accentuated the grief and the letting go of everything before I was ready made me feel even more depressed.  

The moral of it all is that we have an inbuilt mechanism that looks after our well-being.  We must listen to that quiet voice and follow its promptings.  

I reconciled with losing Doug much earlier for without doing so, I would not have been able to start a new life.  With losing Eric, I have taken a very long time to heal.  This year, I think I am almost there. My thoughts are not so much of longing and wishing anymore.  I miss him but it's how I would miss anybody else who is loved and who is not with me.

In lovin memory of Eric Joseph Cheow
Born: 1 March 1990
Died: 17 July 1992

Note: All pics taken from FB pages.


  1. Lovely mod... Love u lots.. Always remember that u inspire me in life..

    1. Until today, the loveliest thing that anyone ever said to me came from you. I think it was two years ago when you told me that Eric died so young and by now he's general in heaven.

      That thought made me tear up, I remember I was walking around in Toa Payoh, and your sms came in and it touched my heart so deeply.

      I cannot thank you enough for planting that in my head. I love you very much.

  2. I pray I never have to go thru this ... for me please let it be the natural order of things, I go before my daughters ...... I do not have your kind of strength Lita.

    I saw my mother first bury her youngest child, my baby sister when she was 3 years... I then saw my mother bury her oldest child, my brother .. 50 years later ..... I can only imagine the anguish and pain that must have ripped thru my mother both times..

    1. All the difficulties made me who I am today. Thank you for sharing and for thinking of me with love.

      Huge bucket of hugs for you. <3

  3. Hi SFGems, this coming to you from deepest sympathies and condolences to you. I can understand how and what you felt.
    It is tough and wounds can heal, but there'll always be the scar that remains. But we have to be strong, life has to go on.
    Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched them.

    And when love is lost, we do not bow our head in sadness, instead keep our head up high and gaze into Heaven, for that is where our broken heart has been sent to heal.

    Long ago I too lost someone very close to me, an unexpected love, an unspoken love between a mature lady and a much younger man.
    And yes, I too cried a river, then built a bridge and cross over, and smiled, as it was once ours.
    Coincidentally, I too just blog about the above.
    You take care, and keep a song in your heart.
    Best regards.

    1. Thanks for the headsup. I'm going to check your blog about this. Grief is personal but we learn from others and their insight can give us a new understanding of our pain.

      Take care and thanks for dropping by. Singing a song that you put in my heart!

      Warm regards!

  4. We all deal with our grief in our own way. There surely can't be a right way, or a wrong way: just what works for you. That we will always be sad when we remember, is a given. All we can hope for is a blunting of the pain.

    Sending you my love *hugs*

    1. Absolutely. Each death is different and grief cannot be felt in the same degree each time. As you say, there is no right or wrong way. We just feel better as time goes by.

      Received the love *hugs*! :D